Sarcasm Is Lost On A Cat

We all do things we come to regret. And in those moments of regret come moments of self-reflection.

Questions like “why did I do that?” help us learn and grow. I’m not here to enlighten you with something I learned in one of those moments. I just needed a way to get in to my topic.

In the middle of the night, I woke up thirsty. I staggered into the kitchen for some water.


Boog, seemingly unfazed by the incident.

It was three a.m., so the details of what happened next are a bit hazy, as if they were part of a dream. I’m certain it wasn’t a dream because there was a bottle of water on my nightstand this morning.

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Pencil Thin Unibrow

Today, while I was running errands I saw a woman. Not just any woman.She lacked eyebrows. I’m pretty certain that there wasn’t a medical reason for her having a naked brow. No, this was self-inflicted.

As we walked toward each other, I crossed to the other side of the street. My car being on that side of the road was there was only part of the reason I crossed. Mostly, it was because she terrified me.

I jumped in my car and buckled up; when I looked up, she was about to cross the street. This was a difficult situation which forced me to look at her again. The fact that she’d shaved off her eyebrows and drew them back on made her, well, a challenging sight to describe. Read the rest of this entry »

Yo No Soy Marinero

Since my hearing impairment was diagnosed, I often ask myself two questions:

Was that person talking to me?

What did they say?



I just needed poblanos. (image purejadkid CCbySA3.0)

So, when a woman started talking to me yesterday at the grocery, I started with those familiar queries.

I was grabbing a cart and heard a woman’s voice behind me call out “hello!” It’s kind of rare for me to run into my friends during one of my afternoon food runs, but as I turned, I asked myself the first of my questions. She was looking at me and smiling; the answer seemed to be yes, she was talking to me. And I was pretty certain she’d said hello because when I turned, she followed up with “how’ve you been?”

But I had no idea who she was.

When someone talks to me and I don’t know who they are, I often ask myself two questions:

When did my wife introduce me to this person?

Is she close enough to save me?

I could not figure out the answer to the first question. Did my wife and I meet her at a party? I had no idea and my wife was in her office, too far away to get me out of this predicament with her usual grace. It was time to for me to start faking it. Read the rest of this entry »

Try Not To Be An Ass

Several years ago, some scientists called Pluto with some bad news.

“You’ve been great and all, but we’ve decided that you’re not a planet any more”, they said. Pluto was rightfully shocked. There had been rumors that one of the planets was getting demoted. The consensus was that Uranus, the most inappropriate of all the planets, was getting pink-slipped.


Stop by Mianus some time. (image via Phung)

“I’m out here on the edge of the solar system. I define the outer limit. I’m so inoffensive and Uranus just begs to be mispronounced. Why me?”, Pluto asked.

“Look, it’s nothing you’ve done”, he was told, “we’d be happy to recommend you to any other grouping of celestial bodies. It’s just that, well, frankly…everyone knows where Uranus is simply because it sounds dirty. We’re sorry.”

Show Me Yours And I’ll Show You Mine

It’s true. Uranus is unique among the (remaining) planets. No one snickers when you mention Mars or Neptune, but people giggle when you bring up that one planet that starts with a U. Everyone knows where Uranus is, but not many can pinpoint mine. Read the rest of this entry »

So We’ve Got That Goin’ For Us

It’s been a little tough to get my writing done the past few weeks. Unfortunately, I had to go on vacation with my wife and a lot of my other friends. And of course, I picked up a cold as a souvenir. Then I had to have surgery.

To clarify, I did not have surgery to cure the cold. Everyone knows you starve and/or feed a cold. I had to have surgery to repair a hernia.

I had my goons stand around during the surgery to make sure there was no funny business. (image, public domain)

Yeah, somehow I ended up with a hernia. Two, in fact. See?! Writing is hard work.

I Got A Hernia From Writing, But Anyhow…

I’m a nice guy. There are people who would take issue with that. This isn’t their website, so you’ll have to take my word for it. I am nice.

I also believe that medical folks, especially nurses, are special people worthy of exceptional respect. And it is important to be kind to people who are going to sedate you and poke you with sharp stuff. So when I went to the hospital yesterday for surgery, I was very nice to everyone. Read the rest of this entry »

Just When I Think I’m Out, They Pull Me Back In

After my last post, I decided that I was going to leave the pumpkin thing alone for this year. The CBS story ran, my friends and family got a kick out of it. But the topic? Yes I was done with it. I’d milked it for all it is worth until next pumpkin season.

I even had something written to put here this morning. But because of what I’m telling you about, I’m rescheduling my post entitled Thomas, The Resentful Tank Engine until Monday.

Yeah, I Made The Daily Show. Bam.

(image via takk CCby SA3.0)

So today, I was going about my morning routine. In the midst of it, I took a moment and peeked at Facebook. In that random way that Facebook does, the first thing on my news feed was a message to my now twenty-three year old son from his middle school band director.

“I just saw your Dad on The Daily Show!”

My first thought was that she’d just seen the CBS This Morning interview. But then I considered the source. This is an educated, bright woman who I admire. Certainly she knows the difference between CBS This Morning and The Daily Show. And not surprisingly, she does.

There I was, cut in to a really funny swipe at the pumpkin thing on The Daily Show! I’ll pause and wait while you click here to go over to the Comedy Central site and see the story.

So, yeah, that happened and I never saw it coming…but I love it!

Six Degrees

The way I found out about this Daily Show thing, second-hand, through my son’s middle school band director got me to thinking. The people who read my blog knew the original CBS story was running and I tried to let my friends and family know as well. But none of us knew The Daily Show was coming. Read the rest of this entry »

Five Routine Minutes: Sharing A Diet Coke With Omar

I haven’t run a Five Routine Minutes post in a while. For those who haven’t seen one before, this is the most poorly illustrated series on the net. Also, many times, what’s depicted doesn’t even add up to two minutes. But I like the idea as a goofy way to tell a story, so I’m resurrecting the series.

My wife has had to work a few recent weekends. That’s not typical and we’re taking it in stride. She’s done a lot of it at home. But this weekend she knew there was an event I wanted to attend.

Artist’s note: Despite what the drawing shows, my wife does not look like me. That would be creepy. Also, my goatee does not make my face look fat.


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