…Accidentally, And On Purpose
There was only one other customer in the bagel shop when walked in. The manager and another employee were making a sandwich for him. The employee was teasing the manager by handing her bacon, once slice at a time. The young man was embarrassed when he saw me there.
I joked with both 0f them a little to let them know I wasn’t bothered. I said “don’t worry about it, I wouldn’t interrupt when you’re handing out the bacon.” I thought about how that sounded and added “I know that sounds dirty, but I don’t mean it to be.”
Accidental dirty talk is something we all will find ourselves doing at one time or another. When I made my bacon remark I was referring to what I’d seen him doing. How do we end up in these (unintentionally) embarrassing situations?
It Isn’t What You Say, It Is How You Say It
Let’s examine the bacon remark because it is structured in the way that most accidental potty mouth phrases are. Handing out the bacon follows a simple grammatical pattern – action verb, adjective, noun. There may be other modifiers in there, but you can accidentally imply something using just three words. That pattern can be modified to action verb, adjective, adjective, noun, as in “handing out the crispy bacon”. Adding the second adjective turns plain dirty talk to filth.
That simple pattern can be filled with most any words that fit those parts of speech to become part of an unintentionally suggestive remark. Allow me to provide you with some examples:
When I walked in, he was buttering his toast.
The mechanic rotated her tires.
I asked the maid to polish my silver before she left.
These examples are innocent sentences about ordinary things. They are also suggestive sentences about naughty things. Why? Because they fit the pattern.
Understanding the pattern of these phrases helps us understand why we find ourselves feeling awkward about something we said, when we didn’t really say anything that bad. But the pattern is instructional as well.
If It Works Accidentally, It Can Work On Purpose
The pattern teaches us that innocent words can convey not so innocent acts. If they can do that accidentally, we can also use them intentionally for the same purpose. This is a handy tool to have when there’s a need to communicate about a delicate topic in public, in mixed company, or in any setting where saying exactly what is meant may not be appropriate.
Suppose a man and a woman are lunching in a restaurant. The man mentions interest in buying furniture from a mutual friend. The woman has critical, yet naughty information. She responds:
Jeff told me he is selling that chair because he walked in on his roommate sitting in it while he was cleaning his gun.
The speaker has communicated valuable information. She’s done so in a way that communicates exactly what happened in the chair, but is inexact. Using an inexact phrase lets her get the message across without offending anyone who might overhear.
Advanced Technique, If You Know What I’m Saying
There are times when we want the subtlety of the suggestive remark, with a little something extra. There is a special linguistic tool you can use when that something extra required is calling attention to and magnifying the effect of your suggestive remark. That tool is the phrase “if you know what I’m saying”.
“If you know what I’m saying” is a signal to your audience that they should read additional meaning and power into the message. Let’s consider two very similar examples:
I couldn’t get into the bathroom because Bob and Lisa were in there re-grouting the tile.
I couldn’t get into the bathroom because Bob and Lisa were in there re-grouting the tile, if you know what I’m saying.
The first example implies that these people might have been involved in something that did not require tile spacers. The addition of the “if phrase” in the second leaves no doubt about what was going on.
Don’t Get Carried Away
We all make mistakes. Many of us have found ourselves stumbling into this linguistic pattern and sounding like we were making an accidental implication. Because we all make mistakes, we forgive each other for those stumbles.
Where the intentional use of this speech pattern becomes unacceptable is when it crosses the line into being creepy.
I recently read the story of a young woman in a coffee shop who ordered whipped cream in her drink. An older man in line behind her said “oh, you like your fat whipped.” His implication was purposeful, directed at a stranger and is the epitome of creepy.
The knowledge of talking dirty that I’ve given you here is powerful. It should only be used with careful consideration of the social contract we all live under.
Please talk dirty responsibly. Perhaps you’d like to write a naughty comment below, if you know what I’m saying.
Sometimes, terms get taken over and misapplied. Proud words, who once stood for something, now hang their heads in shame. They became hip and so overused that they now mean nothing.
Today’s policy announcement is intended to help a phrase that was once synonymous with a significant rite of passage return to its rightful place of honor.
My administration will stand up for boot camp.
Remember When Boot Camp Meant Boot Camp?
When I was young, I had an uncle and a cousin who entered military service. Their first stop after the recruiter’s office was boot camp.
I’d never been to boot camp, but I understood it was not a picnic. It involved angry, squared jawed men in round hats yelling at recruits so closely that spit would fly out on the new soldiers’ faces and they were not allowed to complain about it. They would learn to shoot guns, crawl under barbed wire and fight using big q-tip things. Read the rest of this entry »
Extreme is the second most over used word in the American vernacular. Awesome is first, totally.
Once, Extreme was a proud word. He had a job that he did well. He spent his work days describing things that were outliers, far beyond what one would normally encounter. Political thought, angles, degrees of difficulty, risk… Extreme made them all, well, so much more of whatever they already were.
Extreme And The Cool Kids
A few years ago, certain higher risk sports became popular. They brought with them a need for a word that could effectively describe their difficulty and danger. When they offered him the job, Extreme jumped at the chance. The extreme sports movement was born.
Extreme found himself traveling with folks he never used to hang around with – skateboarders, sky divers, rock climbers and the like. He was with the cool kids.
I have a franchise business plan that will make me obscenely wealthy. Even if it only makes me fabulously well off, it will pay off in enough laughs to make it worth while.
My new business will be a proofreading service for dumb people. Why? Because dumb people insist on using words.
Every day dumb people get tattoos, make signs and deliver messages with words that they are wholly unqualified to use. By putting a proofreader in places where dumb people might use words, I will be in a position to help protect them from themselves (and rake in the bucks).
Here is how the business, called I Proof You (IPY) will work. Let’s imagine that there is an I Proof You franchise in a tattoo shop. A young man comes in to get some ink. Let’s say he is the young man I ran across the other day. The IPY representative would offer to proofread the text of his design for spelling errors, double meanings and other mistakes which could lead to permanent embarrassment for him.
Because you are a bright person, you might ask “if he is dumb, why would he be smart enough to pay for someone to proofread his tattoo before he gets it?” The answer is simple, IPY’s slogan “Pay us now, or we will work for free later.” What that will come to mean to the potential IPY customer is that, if he chooses not to pay for our service, we will tell him as he leaves the shop what his tattoo really means to people who are literate. Read the rest of this entry »
Yesterday I checked in on the administrative page of this blog. For those of you who don’t have the addiction of doing one of sites, the software and companies involved usually provide a lot of stats and information to blog owners. One of the pieces of information available to me on this blog is how people find their way to the blog.
Yesterday, one of the referrals came from a search engine. The internet address was long and was thus abreviated. I put my cursor over it and could then see that the person had searched for nude pictures of Oma. Read the rest of this entry »
Policy announcement time!
As many of you now understand, I will be taking over when the time is right. These announcements are part of the preparation for that eventuality.
When I take over, my Minister of Semantics will be charged with several important rules that I will lay out for you in this post. Additionally, the Minister will be expected to further develop and enforce the linguistic policies of my administration. With that in mind, here are some of the policies of the Omawarisan administration in that arena. Read the rest of this entry »
Since my plan to gradually become outrageously wealthy has not worked out yet, I am embarking on a new path. My new goal is to get rich the old fashioned way, quickly.
My get rich quick scheme involves picking some random words, putting them on things and selling them. Let’s look at some examples of marketing random words which have inspired me to begin my new career.
My observation that the marketing of the phrase Git r’ done, the catch phrase of supposed comedian Larry The Cable Guy, seems to be fading. At its height, it seemed that those so inclined could buy just about any physical object emblazoned with this dopey phrase. I’m certain somewhere there is a redneck with a Git r’ Done pacemaker keeping his heart on task. Read the rest of this entry »
On the administrative page of my blog are a lot of statistics. I look at them a lot, but given they are numbers and I am completely math phobic, I don’t do much with them.
I did notice that one person found the blog with the symbol listed in the title. For some reason I can’t paste it in here.
I pasted it into Google Translate. It means banana, in Arabic.