Last week, the microwave oven in my office died. It was replaced by a toaster. As you may recall, I found the toaster inadequate an appliance for heating up soup.
I returned to work on Sunday. I was certain that, days after the microwave went into the big sleep, a new machine would be in place. After all, I work for an agency with a huge budget. This kind of expenditure was nothing in the grand scheme of things. At lunch time I went into the break room. There was a microwave on the counter. The old one.
I am a patient man. There are schools of thought that differ from mine. I can accept that. I can find common ground with those who differ, when I see a glimmer of concern from across the breach. I don’t see that from you.
You have found the end of my patience. I reached out to you with a piece that urged you to pursue the things you were best suited to succeed in. You turned your back when I came to you. Now, it is on between us.
I am a relentless man. I have matched wits in life or death situations with people whose capacities far exceeded yours. People whose head contained more than seed and gook. I didn’t fail in those situations, I wont fail here.
I am now boycotting you, even as seasonal decor.
When I wrote you before, I spoke respectfully of your talents as fall seasonal decor and ammunition for catapults. I urged you then to get and stay out of food and beverages. My request, and the case to support it, were quite reasonable. Read the rest of this entry »
The email went to about 2500 people in the agency where I work. The author was looking for a utility cart. She and the people in her section must have been fond of this particular cart, as the hint of desperation in the email will attest.
Subject: Missing: CIS Utility Cart w/ wheels
Someone has borrowed our utility cart and has not returned it. It is 2-shelved, silver, with wheels and it has a chain hanging on one end of it. If you are in possession of it, or if you know who might have it, please let me know. We really need this returned asap please.
Some things that describe an item are implied when you mention the item’s name. To say you are looking for an airplane implies the presence of wings. To say you’re looking for a cart with wheels is redundant. Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Woman in Seat 12-A,
I thought that I would take some time to let you know how much I admire your ambitious parenting. I’m so happy that I could not get home on a direct flight. If I had not connected though Detroit I would never have learned that you and your son lived here in North Carolina. Since I didn’t get either of your names, let’s call your son 12-B, shall we?
You, 12-A, are a visionary. Not many parents see the wisdom in pushing their child to learn to play the pipe organ. Sure, there are a few, because cathedrals get these people from somewhere, right? But I don’t imagine there are any who have hit on your unique style of teaching him the instrument by forcing him during a plane trip to repeatedly watch You Tube videos of organists.
We both know the market for pipe organ players is huge right now. Almost every cathedral I drive by has a sign out hanging from one of the gargoyles out front that says : Help Wanted – Organist. You’re a visionary, I see that. Read the rest of this entry »
Each month, I typically announce one policy of my administration. I’m moving April’s announcement up a few days to keep it timely. Sometimes you just have to make the difficult decisions when you’re in charge, I think this changing schedule thing shows I’ll do that as needed. Now, on to the announcement.
Under my administration, there will be no white chocolate bunnies. I’ll eliminate white chocolate in all forms.
Now I’m sure there are some who will protest. Obviously, some people like white chocolate. I imagine the protesters will question why they will not be able to get white chocolate simply because I don’t like it. I would point out that if you want to live under my administration and have important things like wearing cowboy hats and the behavior of mascots regulated, as they should be, you are going to have to put up with some of my capricious ways.
Chocolate Is Brown. Non-Brown Food Can’t Be Chocolate Read the rest of this entry »
There are times where people feel awkward. They don’t know what to say, but they feel like they should say something. That’s where it becomes unfortunate. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?
Let’s talk about one of those somethings people say and an example of it in use. Let’s talk about this question - “what are you doing?”
So, What Are You Doing?
There are times the correctness of asking the question in question is not in question. Suppose I am walking down your street wearing a chicken suit, waving a wooden spoon in one hand, carrying a dog under my other arm and singing a Tibetan lullaby. It would be completely appropriate of you to ask what I am doing. Read the rest of this entry »
I spent a little time on the road last week. Naturally, my mind turned to science, because we all know that is the way my mind turns when it has no where else to go.
I considered doing some work in astronomy when I became aware there was to be a Supermoon. My conclusion was that while this “Supermoon” was very nice to see and a truly rare opportunity, it was by no means super. I saw no cape. It could not go around the world backward and make time go backward with it. Clearly this was a regular moon that had snuck a little closer and gotten some good press coverage. Super? No.
When I put astronomy aside, I realized where my week’s work had to be focused. Entomology.
I have never seen a bed bug in person. I’ve seen pictures and some television video clips when the recent “invasion” of bed bugs started. I think that is enough. Read the rest of this entry »
Snow across several southern US states, including North Carolina, has given many people their fondest wish, a White Christmas. Sadly, this White Christmas will be the last Christmas for so many.
Bing’s Song Of Starvation
Sentimental southerners have, for years, heard Bing Crosby and others sing of how wonderful it is to have snow on Christmas. They were lured by Bing into believing this was a good idea despite the fact that on all other days of the year, they both hate and fear frozen precipitation. Read the rest of this entry »