Throw Away Your Spoons

After a weekend out-of-town with friends, neither of us were really in the mood to make dinner when we got home. Fortunately, my wife is always thinking. “We could stop and get some phở to go”, she suggested.

These are not my hands, my phở or my tablecloth. (image by jnguyen CCbySA3.0)

Ahhhh… phở, the delicious Vietnamese soup. I love that stuff and she knows it. There would be no cooking happening in our house that evening, just two happy people with big vats of broth,veggies, beef and noodles.

We’d had a good weekend. We were home, enjoying one of our favorite dishes. We had great company. OK, I had great company, but my wife had me. But with all that was right with that scene, I felt like something was off. We chatted and ate our phở, but that feeling distracted me. Read the rest of this entry »


My Latest Idea To Make Myself A Constant Presence In Your Life

On my most recent visit to a physician, I had a great idea.

This isn’t me, yet. (image public domain)

You kids at home can learn something from that. People like me are always open to inspiration wherever we find it. In this case, I was left alone in a room in a medical office. I didn’t get on my phone and text my friends to tell them how bored I was. Instead, I became one with my environment and let it spark my creativity.

So there I was, sitting on a paper covered table, looking around…thinking. Thinking about why I had to sit on the table for a hearing test. Thinking about how I hate tongue depressors. Thinking about the posters on the wall.

Thinking.

Thoughts From The Paper Covered Table

The posters in a doctor’s office are interesting. I’m not talking about the posters that say something like “Smoking is bad for you” or “Hey, that thing growing out of your neck – you might want to bring that up with the doctor”. What catches my eye are the posters that depict someone with half their skin removed to show where all their organs and inner parts are. Read the rest of this entry »


Drunk Moon Photobombs Earth’s Selfie

The last really good portrait of earth was taken from the moon back in the 1970’s.

If I were Neil Armstrong, the first words spoken from the moon would have been “Hey, I can see your house from up here” (image public domain.

Perhaps you think that the 1970’s were a long time ago. I don’t happen to agree. As you know, the standard method of deciding if something was a long time ago is if I remember it. Whether you remember an event doesn’t matter, I am the standard by which “a long time ago” is measured. I remember photos being taken from the moon so that was a pretty recent happening.

And despite that knowledge, NASA decided that we needed a newer photo of our planet. Unfortunately, we don’t currently have a photographer on the moon to compose the picture. This was inconvenient, but not discouraging to the engineers at the space agency. Read the rest of this entry »


Dear Home Depot, Nice Job On Those Instructions

Dear Home Depot,

You haven’t asked, but I’m going to go on and just tell you this. I’m a smart guy. How smart? Well, certainly not rocket scientist smart…but I’m bright. I did just fine in school. Somewhere, there’s a sheepskin with my name on it. I’m even smart enough to know that a sheepskin isn’t really skin from a sheep.

Do you know who else is really bright? My wife. She has two degrees, so she understands better than I do that a sheepskin is just an expression for a diploma.

We’re bright people, bright enough to know that we don’t know everything. For instance, we don’t understand accounting. Nor do we get why Kanye West fascinates some folks. The average person is repulsed by an impolite hack, but Mr. West has become wealthy because he is rude and lacks talent. It defies explanation.

But Enough About Us, Lets Talk About You

Something else that we don’t understand is why it should take two well-educated people an entire afternoon to install a light fixture they purchased in your store, especially when both have handled similar tasks. With two of us involved, putting up your  Hampton Bay Faux Alabaster Glass Semi-Flush Nut Meg Finish light fixture should have taken ten minutes, at the most.

But the instructions included with the light were awful. Read the rest of this entry »


All About My Elbow

For about four weeks, I’ve been in pain. It’s not so bad as long as I don’t use my left arm. Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately) I’ve gotten used to having two arms and I rely on them both to get through my day.

After a few weeks of watching me grimace when I bent my elbow (something else I like doing), my wife asked me the same thing I’d have asked her if she were in the same condition.

Not my elbow. So far, mine is still inside my skin. (public domain)

“When are you going to call the doctor?”, she asked. And while that’s something you might expect someone who is hurting to do, I tend to wait a little before I dial-up the doctor.

“It’s just a strain”, I replied, “it’ll pass”.

“How’d you strain it?”

I couldn’t answer that, so I agreed to call the doctor “soon”.

I Didn’t Call The Doctor

“Soon” passed, I didn’t make an appointment and then my wife and I went on vacation. We had a great time, but I wish I’d gone to the doctor first. That would’ve kept me from pretending my elbow didn’t hurt during our journey. And at night, my mind drifted over what was happening inside my creaky old body. Do I have tendonitis? What is tendonitis anyhow? What if it is tennis elbow? Why would I have that if it were? What if I need an elbow replacement? Read the rest of this entry »


The Man Who Loved Chocolate Milk

Some of you may think that I do nothing but sit around and produce weird ideas to give myself something to write about. While it is true that I do that a lot, it isn’t all that I do.

But seriously, I do it a lot.

Mmmmmmm… (public domain)

Whenever I’m not doing that, I’m doing something else. One of my somethings else is hiking with my wife. We’ll throw stuff in a backpack, put on boots and spend the day getting lost in the woods. As we walk, we get time to talk, exercise and see really amazing stuff.

Sometimes, if we want an additional challenge, we will take Clif Bars out of our backpacks. We eat them as we walk and pretend that they taste good. I would like hiking more if I had Chicken Parmesan in my back pack. Since I never do, I rely on my wife and the amazing stuff we see to make hiking fun.

This week we are in Oregon, enjoying a part of the country that neither of us has visited before. And it was on a hike during this vacation that I saw something that redefined amazing for me. Read the rest of this entry »


I Want To Be A Sushi Chef

I retired from my police career in the fall of 2013. Twenty-eight years had passed since I showed up for my first day at the police academy. Those years took their toll on me, physically and emotionally. I’m proud of my career, yet I’m relieved that it is over.

And so I’ve settled into a life I never envisioned. I live quietly; cooking, exercising and writing fill my days. In the evening, I share dinner and laughs with my wife. I’ve got it good.

So, why couldn’t I? (image by katorisi CCbySA3.0)

Now and again, someone will ask “if you could, would you go back to The Job?”. There are parts of my career that I miss, but the short answer is no.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have ambition.

I Dream Of Sushi

While I’ll never wear a police uniform again there is a job that I’d jump at – sushi chef.  Read the rest of this entry »


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