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I Am Your Crispy Noodle

A few days ago, I went to have lunch at a Chinese restaurant.

My friends are so unsurprised by that news that they’re wondering why I bothered to write it. For those friends, I will just say that not everyone has had the pleasure of chowing down on Szechuan with me. Also, I’ve got to establish a setting and premise for this tale, so get off my back, OK?

As usual, my bill came with a fortune cookie. The slip in this cookie read – Read the rest of this entry »

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Oscar de la Renta’s Secret

People of a certain age can tell you what they were doing when President Kennedy died. I was two when it happened, so I’m clueless about what I was doing when that sad news broke.

I remember it like it was yesterday, which it was. (image via prosportsblogging.com)

But I remember where I was when I learned that fashion designer Oscar de la Renta passed away.

When I think about it, the moment comes back to me, like it was yesterday, which it was. While we were watching Monday Night Football my wife said “hmm, Oscar de la Renta died”. I said something intelligent, like “oh”.

Maybe I should have said more, like maybe “his poor wife”, “did you know that in Spanish his name means Oscar of the rent?” or “we should probably send a card” but there was an incomplete pass and I forgot to say any of those things. Read the rest of this entry »

The Danger Of Ebola

Ebola. Have you heard about it? Maybe heard about it way too much? Ebola is the latest reason that we’re all going to die.

Ebola, or an abstract line drawing of a reclining mermaid. (image public domain)

A few months ago, wandering airliners were going to do us in. Between Ebola and Air Malaysia was Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon; that guy was going to kill everyone. E coli on cantaloupes was the most dangerous thing on earth not so long ago. Before that, bird flu and swine flu – they were going to finish us for sure.

Yup, Ebola’s going to do it, this is definitely the big one. Sure, a person can’t get the disease without having direct contact with the bodily fluids of someone with the disease. Oh, yeah, I’m leaving out the thing that’s going to get most of us – contact with infected bats. I touch so many bats every day; odds are that eventually I will touch an infected one.

Look, Here’s The Thing…

You’re not going to get Ebola. You’re just plain not going to unless you do something clever, like get an Ebola patient’s breast milk in your eye. Read the rest of this entry »

An Open Letter To Eric

Dear Eric,

Congratulations you on your entrepreneurial spirit. It takes guts and drive to open a business. My guts drive me in other directions, but I admire those who put themselves out there to open their own shop. You might think a guy like me wouldn’t feel that way about someone who has opened a body piercing shop, but I do.

Ow, OW! (image by Eric Magnan CCbySA4.0)

I admire that you’ve identified a niche you can market to. That niche – people who want new niches poked into their body – isn’t one I’m part of. But you are filling the needs of people who need puncture wounds and stimulating the local economy; good for you, sir.

Because I think I know a lot about people and a little about everything else, I’m going to point something out. Maybe you’ll think I’m presumptuous to say anything. After all, you know body piercing and you’ve got a business permit; you’re light years ahead of me, business wise. But I’m older. I’ve spent my life studying human nature and I have to comment on the most visible part of your marketing plan. Yes, the sign you have out by the road. Read the rest of this entry »

Five Things Kim Jong Un Did While He Was Gone

Yesterday, new photos of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un were released. Word on the street is that they are the first snap shots of the big guy in public in well over a month. His absence from view fueled a lot of speculation – was he sick? Dead? Overthrown? No one knew.

But now he is back and this is the only place to find out where he was. You can take what I’m going to reveal to you as absolute truth; we all know I am connected in North Korea, big time. I am connected like Dennis Rodman, minus all the weird baggage that comes with that guy.

Behold, Kim Jong Un’s top five fun activities while he was out of the public eye: Read the rest of this entry »

Art Criticism: How About That Putin Fella?

I don’t criticize every piece of art that I see, or even every piece of art that needs criticism.

I should clarify that. I don’t criticize every piece of art that I see, or even every piece of art that needs criticism, as far as most of you know. After spending a day with me, you’d know that I have something to say about most art. I save my written critiques for truly special works.

There really isn’t art that is more special than the pieces created for an exhibition honoring Russian president Vladimir Putin’s sixty-second birthday. These paintings, produced by artists who chose to remain anonymous, depict Putin as a Herculean character taking on modern issues facing his nation. I’ll be discussing my impressions of these pieces for your benefit. I’m also hoping that my criticism will help the artists who produced these paintings be better artists by Mr. Putin’s sixty-third birthday.

Painting One

(artist unknown, photo credit – BBC)

The first painting depicts Mr. Putin fighting Terror. He is literally in a fight with Terror. Putin doesn’t care for metaphors; when it is time for a fight, he’s going to fight. Read the rest of this entry »

A Superhero Uniform Redesign

I woke last night after a dream brought me to a revelation. A revelation so important that I took a moment to make a note so I wouldn’t forget the details.

The standard superhero uniform is due for a redesign.

Status Quo In Superhero Fashion

The superhero uniform is designed to stand out, be practical and identifiable. It accomplishes those goals, with varying levels of success.

Can’t we do better than this? (public domain)

Seeing someone in tights, boots, a cape and panties makes them stand out in a crowd. Standing out is important when taking on a career as a super crime fighter. The visibility and attention provided by the “tights and panties” mode of dress tends to prevent crimes by alerting evil types that they’ll surely be caught if they get out of line.

Practicality is the weak spot of the current hero dress code. Boots are a smart choice; you never know where you’re going to have to walk when you’re protecting innocent citizens. Tights make heroes hard to grab during a fight, but are prone to snagging and they lack pockets. And whatever gains are made by tights being hard to grab are lost by the cape. Capes provide a grip point and are a hassle in tight spaces or any time the superhero isn’t facing into the wind. Read the rest of this entry »


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