Driving on the Thanksgiving holiday weekend is a brutal ordeal, one that shouldn’t be undertaken by the faint of heart. The weird mix of aggressive, sleep deprived drivers, truckers, and people who seem to be behind the wheel for the first time in their lives makes driving any distance dangerous and no fun. Only New Years Eve is a worse time to drive.
The road took its toll on me. Tired, hungry and needing to off-load the ocean of diet soda I’d finished, I pulled off the interstate and into a truck stop. Read the rest of this entry »
The other day, I walked past a house for sale. The owner was selling their home without using an agent. They had a sign in the yard with the asking price of the house, a phone number to call and a familiar phrase -
Serious offers only
I thought about how ridiculous that phrase is. Making an offer to buy this, or any, house that was not serious would be pointless. It wouldn’t occur to me to call these people and say “I’ll buy your house for an i-Tunes card, a five-pound bag of Idaho potatoes, a crocheted hat, and either of the two backpacks I have in my closet.” Read the rest of this entry »
Last serving of leftovers!
In this final part of the trilogy, I am invited to Thanksgiving dinner by the cranberry sauce making girlfriend that I did not kill.
Young me was a quiet, respectful guy. I never talked myself into a bad spot. And then there was that Thanksgiving. Love, death, cranberries and an inexplicable verbal outburst combined. The result was me learning what “time to leave” looked like.
The final portion of this trilogy, first published last year – Everyone Loved Dorcas.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Busy week this week for me. Yes, I know, it’s a busy week for a lot of people. I’m the one who’s here though and I’ve got a bunch happening plus original pieces due on Saturday for the other sites I write for – Long Awkward Pause and The Nudge Wink Report.
To help me get through the week, I’m re-running a series of true stories tied together by the innocent protagonist in all three pieces – the young woman I dated in college.
I wrote the three stories out of sequence. The story I’m giving you today was the first one to occur, but I wrote it second – in 2011. I’m not sure why you’d need to know that. Perhaps there will be a quiz later.
Please enjoy The Story of That Girl, The One I Almost Killed – a completely non-violent tale of love and (near) death.
PS…this would also be a good time to subscribe to Long Awkward Pause and Nudge/Wink.
I’m not a fan of politicians. No matter what end of the spectrum they purport to represent, in the end, they represent the people who paid to get them elected. They represent those who contributed in proportion to the amount paid.
A few years ago I dipped my toe in politics. Some of you may remember that I ran for president against Donald Trump. I announced my candidacy. A few weeks later, the Trump campaign went into a tail spin. A week later, I drove him out of the race. In just over a month, I vanquished one of the richest men in the United States.
Today, I come before you to announce that I am a candidate for the office of Mayor of Toronto, Canada.
We all know that fine city is currently being run by a Mayor who is short on sense, but has plenty of vices. Mayor Rob Ford has admitted that he has smoked crack, but claims he is not addicted to it. Yeah. He’s the one human on the planet who hasn’t become addicted after smoking crack.
There’s also talk of sexual harassment, physical attacks, drunk driving and prostitution. Just in the past few days he’s made some unfortunate sexual references and bowled over an elderly woman. Surprisingly, those last two were not in the same incident.
He’s got to go.
Dispensing With A Technicality
I’m certain that my lack of Canadian citizenship is the first issue that came to mind for many of you. That could be a deal killer. But before we throw me out of the race prematurely, let me argue that my opponent, Mr. Ford, is not much of a Canadian citizen either. Read the rest of this entry »
Preparing for what life throws at us is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves.
I find myself in a lot of situations, unsure of how I got there, or how I’ll get through it. I prefer to prepare by thinking through situations ahead of time when I can. Visualizing what success will look like and considering what I’ll have to do to get there helps me develop action plans.
Sometimes it doesn’t work that way. Just the other day, I ran across a solution for a problem I don’t have.
I Wasn’t Looking
On Saturday, I watched a college football game. The teams playing weren’t ones I’m connected with; I watch a lot of games just to appreciate the art of the game itself. As the announcers discussed one of the plays, the name of a defensive lineman for Ohio State hit me right in the ear – Noah Spence.
Mr. Spence played well; I’m sure he’s a great student and will go far in whatever he chooses to do. But he has one of those names that makes me think “someone didn’t say that name aloud before they gave it to that kid.”
Noah Spence. Noah Spence.
Noah Spence is a great name because it is a great play on words.
And then it hit me. Being Noah Spence could be useful, and not just to the student-athlete on the Ohio State defensive line. In a very specific situation, one that I don’t foresee myself in, I might change my name to Noah Spence. Read the rest of this entry »
Last year, someone told me about Elf On A Shelf. Elf On A Shelf is a way to milk a little more good behavior out of young children around Christmas.
The way this works is that you buy an elf doll and put it in your house. You tell your little one that the elf works for Santa and is in the house to see who is being naughty or nice. The elf supposedly goes to the North Pole to report to Santa every night, so you’ve got to move him while your children sleep.
Theoretically, with this elf watching what goes on in their home, kids won’t chance being caught misbehaving.
This elf business has become a business. Elf dolls, books and assorted other paraphernalia are sold to support this “tradition”.
You know what isn’t really for sale? Tradition. Tradition happens, tradition develops. Tradition doesn’t come with a receipt, except at Christmas. Read the rest of this entry »
I love music. Dancing is pretty good too, if someone else is doing it. When I take over running the world, my administration will support music, dance and all the arts.
Generally, my administration will support the arts without regard to my opinion of them. I don’t like rap music, but I see that some people do. I don’t enjoy ballet, other people love it. I’ll support both rap and ballet, despite my distaste for both.
But when I say generally, smart Blurt readers (as if there were another kind) realize that there is at least one exception to my support of the arts. Read the rest of this entry »