I Am A Candidate For Mayor Of Toronto

Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, greeting a nun at ...

“Every girl crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man” – ZZ Top(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m not a fan of politicians. No matter what end of the spectrum they purport to represent, in the end, they represent the people who paid to get them elected. They represent those who contributed in proportion to the amount paid.

A few years ago I dipped my toe in politics. Some of you may remember that I ran for president against Donald Trump. I announced my candidacy. A few weeks later, the Trump campaign went into a tail spin. A week later, I drove him out of the race. In just over a month, I vanquished one of the richest men in the United States.

Today, I come before you to announce that I am a candidate for the office of Mayor of Toronto, Canada.

We all know that fine city is currently being run by a Mayor who is short on sense, but has plenty of vices. Mayor Rob Ford has admitted that he has smoked crack, but claims he is not addicted to it. Yeah. He’s the one human on the planet who hasn’t become addicted after smoking crack.

There’s also talk of sexual harassment, physical attacks, drunk driving and prostitution. Just in the past few days he’s made some unfortunate sexual references and bowled over an elderly woman. Surprisingly, those last two were not in the same incident.

He’s got to go.

Dispensing With A Technicality

I’m certain that my lack of Canadian citizenship is the first issue that came to mind for many of you. That could be a deal killer. But before we throw me out of the race prematurely, let me argue that my opponent, Mr. Ford, is not much of a Canadian citizen either. Read the rest of this entry »

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If I Ran The Presidential Debates.

Political debates are meaningless rituals.

Senator John F. Kennedy and Vice President Ric...

The problem started way before me. Well, not way before, but before. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The debates don’t tell us how either man works under pressure. They know roughly what the questions will be. The environment is strictly controlled and formatted.

Our jobs aren’t like that. We don’t know what is coming next. A president should have to show the ability to work like we do – in uncontrolled situations. I’ve got ideas that would make the debates watchable and give us a better reading on how ready these fools are to lead us.


At the last debate, both men came out in suits. That’s pretty conventional. I did think it was ridiculous that Mr. Obama wore a blue tie to show that he represents the Democrats and Mr. Romney wore a red one because he is the Republican. Did they think we’d mix them up? Come on, prematurely grey African-American with big ears, Obama. Caucasian robot with a hair helmet, Romney. We don’t need color coded ties. Read the rest of this entry »

A Nonpartisan Proposal On Political Ads

Want the job? Stay out of my football games. (public domain image)

Hey, did you know there’s an election coming up? Two guys are running for President of the United States,  other politicians are running for office too. The campaign started seventeen years ago.

Perhaps you’re as sick of both the campaigns and their ads as I am. If you are, I’ve got a proposal to get us some relief.

Minds Are Made Up

This election will end in a little over a month. That one month will feel like at least a dozen. During that period, candidates will  punish us with countless ads. Why? What have we done to deserve this?

Unless one of the candidates snacks on a panda during a debate, I’ve already decided how to vote. I think that most of us have selected the candidate we feel is the lesser of two evils. So who are these ads targeting? A minority who still feels the need for more information. Read the rest of this entry »

The Policies Of My Administration: Campaign Signs

I’ve realized that some people have, in the course of reading my policy discussions, developed the impression that I will be running for some sort of elected post. This is not true.

When I refer to my administration, I am discussing how I will be running things from a position that transcends politics. I would not sink to anything as base as behaving like a politician.

I considered giving myself the title Incognito Emperor Of The World, once I take over. After some thought, I realized that the advantages of people knowing that I am running the show are too great to ignore. I’ll be the most cognito guy who ever ruled the world. I’ll put some more thought into my title.

Enough about me. Let’s keep in mind that policy announcements aren’t about me, they are about me dealing with other people who must be dealt with – by me. In the case of this announcement, those people are politicians. Read the rest of this entry »

When I Am Rich: Opposition Research

The western front of the United States Capitol...

Not a lot of good happening in here. (Image via Wikipedia)

I don’t think well of politicians. I’ve not known many who have given me reason to change my position. The optimist in me insists that I keep my eyes open just in case a good one comes along.

So far, a good one hasn’t come along.

Election season is here in the US, and the airwaves are full of people circulating ideas about their opponents and the nation. I’m about sick of hearing them.  I’m sick of everything about this election except  for the concept of opposition research.

Opposition research is the practice of poking around in an opposing political candidate’s background to find unflattering information on that opponent. That information is doled out to the press and the public to gain an advantage over that rival. While I don’t like politicians, nor how they operate, I do like the idea of having an opposition research staff at my disposal. When this blog makes me rich, I am going to hire people to do opposition research for me.

Who Are My Opponents?

It is natural to wonder who I would have my staff dig up dirt on. After all, who really opposes me? I know, it’s just a silly, trick question. No one would dare oppose me. But my wealth and fame will change some people’s reaction to me. I really should be ready to trash them. Read the rest of this entry »

Mosquito Bites And Other Decisions I Make On My Own

None - This image is in the public domain and ...

A mosquito that didn't find me (Image via Wikipedia)

It is mosquito season here in the US.  I know that because it seems that I’m particularly delicious to these little blood suckers. If you and I were sitting side by side, any mosquitoes in the area would charge to me to begin the feast.

Since I am a mosquito magnet, I’ve always needed relief from the itch their bites leave behind. For me there is but one cure. Therein lies our discussion for today.

In This World, There Are Two Kinds Of People

Sure, you could probably say there are two kinds of people on all sorts of things. There are people who eat mushrooms and people who do not. People who are noisy and people who are quiet. People who are patient and those who fly off the handle. I don’t want to talk about those folks. Read the rest of this entry »

The Beginning Of The End Of The Donald Trump Campaign

I make it a point to avoid politics. I was taught at a young age that politicians are suspect characters on their best days. I’ve never met a politician on their best day.

Donald Trump

Goodbye! (Image by Gage Skidmore via Flickr)

Despite my effort to remain apolitical, a recurring story in the US political news has caused me some concern. Apparently, Donald Trump is preparing to run for president. I have a hard time thinking of someone more despicable than Mr. Trump. After consulting some high level political minds, I realize that I must do something more than use my one vote.

That something starts today. I am announcing that I am running for president in direct opposition to Donald Trump.

Read the rest of this entry »

My Online Press Conference

News Conference: Announcement of the Laureates...

Your questions are welcome. (Image via Wikipedia)

Today, I am holding my first online press conference. I will enter the room at the appointed time and respond to your questions following a prepared statement.

Please, take your seats ladies and gentlemen as we switch to our reporter in the Press Room at Blurt World Headquarters who will set the stage for us. Read the rest of this entry »


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