Some Pigs Are Traitors

Lunch. Get your own.

Pigs have it tough.

They think they’ve got a good deal. Most of them don’t have jobs, someone else feeds them and gives them a place to live. They don’t know that part of the implied contract that got them that deal is that people are going to eat them.

Perspective is everything. When you’re hanging out with your friends and have your head in the trough you can’t see the end coming. Pigs don’t see something else that is despicable and dangerous. If they’d lift their heads and look, they’d see the sad truth.

Some of their kind will be part of that end that is coming. Read the rest of this entry »

Employees Must Wash Hands

Most of you who will read this have never met me. Sometimes, you might wonder what kind of person I am. I’m just going to go on and tell you so that you won’t have that question hanging over our heads when we do meet.


My kind of woman (public domain image via wikipedia)

I am the kind of person who washes his hands after visiting the rest room. Soap and water wash, not just rinse and then dry them off on my shirt. We probably agree on the importance of that. Some people don’t, but you and I aren’t the sort to spend time with their kind.

Washin’ And Dryin’ In 3/4 Time

More and more, I see signs with instructions on how to wash their hands. Use hot water. Use soap. Use a towel. The fundamentals. They even specify how long hands should be washed – for as long as it takes a person to sing the Happy Birthday song.

I’m far from being a germophobe. However, I think the presence of people in our society who don’t know how to wash their hands without posters is a major issue. It is a survival of the species level major issue.

Read the rest of this entry »

Cuddling Michael Bloomberg

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg has been omnipresent on US television over the past week . As mayor of the largest city in the path of Hurricane Irene, he was necessarily very aggressive in communicating a plan to keep people in New York City safe.  It seems to me that if people didn’t get the message the man was putting out there, they weren’t listening.

This isn’t about messaging, storm surge or evacuation. It’s bigger than those things. Read the rest of this entry »

The Policies Of My Administration: Full Employment

Alexander Fleming receives the Nobel prize fro...

What it will look like when I win the Nobel Prize, if I start looking like that guy (Image via Wikipedia)

I have faced many of the important issues of our day as I prepare for my administration to take over running the world. Today, I am delving into the territory of politicians. No politician of any stripe has ever been able to put forward a practical plan to make sure every able-bodied person can find a job.

Because I am not a politician, I do have a plan. Because I am simply going to take over running things and don’t have to run for office, I can make my plan work.

A Good Plan Based On Bad Technology

Modern business runs on technology. Without computers, faxes and Blackberries most offices are dead in the water. There is one piece of office machinery that is supreme in its lack of reliability and its ability to shut an office down dead. That machine is the core of my plan to put the entire planet to work.

Office copiers are the single most unreliable piece of equipment ever devised. They have always been good at one thing – breaking down. Rather than improved technology being used to increase their reliability, these machines have become more complex. They are able to do more during the brief time that they are up and running than ever before. Despite their new abilities, copiers are less reliable than their counterparts were twenty years ago. Technological innovation has only created more ways for these machines to malfunction. Read the rest of this entry »

Sign In Stranger

The FAA Air Traffic Control Tower in operation...

Why are they behind dark glass? Because it would freak us out to know who they are (Image via Wikipedia)

Over the past few years, I have developed the idea that there are certain things that are better done by strangers. I’ll go so far as to say that despite the fact that we teach children to stay away from strangers for good reason, strangers play significant roles in our lives. Let me explain.

A few years ago I flew on an airline that had as one of the options available on its audio entertainment system, a channel that would allow passengers to listen to air traffic control. I thought this was pretty cool. It was especially cool since I knew someone who was an air traffic controller at our airport. I settled into my seat, tuned in the channel and started listening.

I kept hearing calm voices giving commands that I couldn’t understand as I listened for my friend’s voice. Then it hit me. What if I heard him? Would that be reassuring to me? What did I know about the man? He was probably the best juggler I knew, he was married, he had a daughter.

When he and I talked he didn’t use the calm air traffic voice. He laughed. His tone varied. I knew too much about him; he couldn’t possibly get my plane off the ground, he was a juggler. Read the rest of this entry »

There’s A Slap For That

Richard Nixon

...and then the new president let him get away with it. That's when the world changed. (Image by tonynetone via Flickr)

My son and I watched an old black and white television show one day when he was four or five years old. I told him that the show was on when I was his age. We watched for a while and then he asked “when did the world change?” I thought that was a little deep. It was hard to decide where to start to answer that question for him. I considered talking about the upheaval of the late 60′s, the Vietnam War and the Nixon years. I decided the best strategy was to clarify what it was he was after.

It turns out that, based on the fact that the show we were watching was in black and white and that it was on television when I was his age, he’d concluded that the world was black and white when I was a boy. Colors were something that came along later.  Shades that were not black or white, like red, yellow and blue, obviously came later in my lifetime. With the information he had at hand, I could see his logic.

Recently, I reached a conclusion in a similar manner. I’m pretty sure in the 1940′s and 1950′s people slapped each other all the time.

Whole Lotta Slappin’ Goin’ On

I wasn’t around until the 1960′s. I have no direct knowledge of what went on before that. Most of my knowledge of the culture of the ’40′s and ’50′s is based on bits and pieces of old movies I catch on television. Based on what I have seen, slapping someone was just part of life. Being slapped was also part of life. In fact, my research shows that fifty percent of people involved in a slapping incident are not the slapper. Read the rest of this entry »

I Don’t Think It’s Me This Time.

Texting on a keyboard phone

When things are really bad, I find out about it the same way an 8th grader finds out that cute boy in Spanish class likes her. OMG! (Image via Wikipedia)

Because of my particular occupational specialty, I am on call all the time. When things get bad and they decide to take me out of my box, I get a text message on a phone provided by my employer. The message describes the situation and lets me know where they need my particular skill set.

This is a paragraph that I am writing to give you to time to process the following idea before we move on to what I’m really writing about: somewhere in the world is a place where when things are really bad, someone says “uh-oh, someone call Omawarisan”. Kind of scary to consider, huh?

Moving along now…

Last week I got an email telling me that the people in charge of deciding such things had decided that we were changing cell phone companies. The mail told me that I should bring my phone, charger, car charger and belt clip to headquarters on a specified date to exchange it for new stuff compatible with our new carrier. The consequences for not turning in all the equipment would be dire. Read the rest of this entry »

Meeting Someone Who Really Does Not Care

shaving cream leak

Image by williac via Flickr

I’ve mentioned that, way back when, I had a mustache. Mentioning the mustache in the past tense implies that there came a day when we had a parting of our ways.

On the day that I sent my mustache off to make its way in the world without me, I thought it would be funny to take half of it off to see how I’d look. I trimmed it away and cleaned the shaving cream off my face. It did look pretty funny. Then I thought about the possibility of succumbing to some unforeseen medical condition and being found with half a mustache. Read the rest of this entry »


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