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How To Defeat The World’s Largest Virus

I’ve got a cold. Last night, no cold. This morning, a cold.

Who knows where these things come from? I wasn’t near anyone who was sniffling or sneezing. Everything was fine. And then, at 3:26 a.m., I had the start of a cold.

I wonder, in Nancy Kerrigan’s immortal words –  “Why? Why?”

I have a theory. Read the rest of this entry »

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I Am A Candidate For Mayor Of Toronto

Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, greeting a nun at ...

“Every girl crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man” – ZZ Top(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m not a fan of politicians. No matter what end of the spectrum they purport to represent, in the end, they represent the people who paid to get them elected. They represent those who contributed in proportion to the amount paid.

A few years ago I dipped my toe in politics. Some of you may remember that I ran for president against Donald Trump. I announced my candidacy. A few weeks later, the Trump campaign went into a tail spin. A week later, I drove him out of the race. In just over a month, I vanquished one of the richest men in the United States.

Today, I come before you to announce that I am a candidate for the office of Mayor of Toronto, Canada.

We all know that fine city is currently being run by a Mayor who is short on sense, but has plenty of vices. Mayor Rob Ford has admitted that he has smoked crack, but claims he is not addicted to it. Yeah. He’s the one human on the planet who hasn’t become addicted after smoking crack.

There’s also talk of sexual harassment, physical attacks, drunk driving and prostitution. Just in the past few days he’s made some unfortunate sexual references and bowled over an elderly woman. Surprisingly, those last two were not in the same incident.

He’s got to go.

Dispensing With A Technicality

I’m certain that my lack of Canadian citizenship is the first issue that came to mind for many of you. That could be a deal killer. But before we throw me out of the race prematurely, let me argue that my opponent, Mr. Ford, is not much of a Canadian citizen either. Read the rest of this entry »


An Open Letter From The US To Kim Jong Un

Dear Kim Jong-un,

Kim Jong-Un clapping

Hi, it’s us, the US… (Photo credit: petersnoopy)

Hey, we wanted to drop you a note about your country’s threat to “…exercise the right to a preëmptive nuclear attack.”

You know, we’re all down with countries looking after their own interests and borders. It’s cool that your country does that. Maybe you’ll be upset by us saying this, but we do that sort of thing too. Our methods are a little different, but our nations are alike in that general respect.

Ah, respect. That’s pretty important to us both as well. Do you know why we respect you? Because of your choice of Dennis Rodman as your friend and favorite basketball player. Read the rest of this entry »


Art Criticism: Our Earliest Mammalian Ancestor

Big news last week – scientists have developed a concept of what the earliest mammal looked like.

Finding out what the earliest mammal looked like is critical. That animal had a lot of responsibility. It is the ancestor to elephants, cats, dogs, monkeys, monkeys who ride dogs, even humans.

Imagine what we could learn from an animal that could handle that responsibility. I am the ancestor to one person and the pressure…my God, the pressure! If I multiply that pressure by billions of species and billions of individuals of each of those species, I get an animal that must have been superb. The scientists didn’t come up with superb.

Read the rest of this entry »


I Adopted Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend’s Cat

I remember the moment like it was yesterday; it was yesterday. A talking head on ESPN, the text below him parroting the hard truth he was speaking. “Manti Te’o’s girlfriend never existed.” It was the moment I knew I’d been hoaxed.

Mr. Te’o, the best player on a great college football team, became an inspirational figure by playing on in the face of the passing of his grandmother and girlfriend on the same day. So many of us felt for the kid.

Manti Te’o’s girlfriend’s cat that is mine now even though I haven’t actually seen him. I named him Ghost, after Te’o’s girlfriend. (public domain, wikimedia)

I didn’t know how to help. Then, late one night, it hit me. She probably had a pet that was left behind. It was probably a cat. I’ve never had a cat, but I would have this one and raise it like my own.

I Had A Cat…

After some internet research and a few calls I heard the words I was hoping for from an animal shelter worker: “yeah, we’ve got Manti Te’o’s girlfriend’s cat and you can adopt him. We’ll fly him right out.” It sounded like he said something about a nut job as he hung up, but I can’t be sure. Read the rest of this entry »


Policies of My Administration: Mannanafnanefnd

I love Iceland.

Iceland, if you’re reading this, call me, maybe?

Grettir, from Grettis saga, all burly and read...

You don’t want any of this guy. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve never been to Iceland, but I like the people and the country anyhow. There were Vikings in Iceland. That should raise the nation to the top of anyone’s list.

But Vikings are not the only great thing about Iceland. The country has volcanoes and glaciers. Hawaii shows off its volcanoes. Iceland dismisses Hawaii by pointing to its volcano with a glacier on top of it. Imagine a country that has so many natural wonders it has to stack them up. What you just saw in your mind’s eye is Iceland.

Read the rest of this entry »


When I Am Rich: My Giant Straw Christmas Goat

The Gävle Goat

The Gävle Goat, asking for it. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As my vast blog wealth starts to come in, I am still planning how to spend it. Planning is the responsible thing to do, even for someone like me who plans to spend it irresponsibly.

The other day I read an article about a town in Sweden. A headline about how the town’s giant straw Christmas goat keeps getting burned made it a must read. Just as I think many of you would, I thought “well of course it does.”

So, If You Don’t Want It Burned…

The giant straw goat is a Christmas tradition in this Swedish town. Inexplicably, the goat is not intended to be burned. This begs the question “hey Bjorn, have you thought about a plaster goat?” It seems that Bjorn and his friends have not, because the goat typically burns down before Christmas. Read the rest of this entry »


A Thought About Helping Newtown

Those of you who’ve been coming here for a while know that I’ve been a police officer for, well, a really long time.

(image via newtown patch)

My colleagues and I tend to minimize what we do. We’ve all got our assigned specialties or things we do because we’re good at them. To say we do them routinely is a disservice to those acts. Perhaps the best way to say it is that we do them well without thinking about what it looks like to our peers and the public.

As an example, I have a particular specialized assignment. It suits me. Other officers ask me how I do it, how I put up with some aspects of that assignment and finish the conversations with “I couldn’t do what you do”.

It strikes me that the person who is saying those things to me might be a detective who investigates fatal traffic accidents, or a vice officer who deals with unspeakably bad folks, or someone who runs 911 calls all day every day and never sees anyone who is having a good day. They all look at what I do and say “I couldn’t do what you do”. The funny thing is, I say the same thing back to them. I don’t know how my friends investigate child sex abuse cases. I’ll work drug cases, but I don’t like them. I’ve handled traffic fatalities, but how someone does so over and over is beyond me.

There are two things that we all agree on when we bump into one another in the hall. One is that we all have great jobs that are sadly necessary. The other is that there is always someone else who has it worse. Read the rest of this entry »


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