Try Not To Be An Ass

Several years ago, some scientists called Pluto with some bad news.

“You’ve been great and all, but we’ve decided that you’re not a planet any more”, they said. Pluto was rightfully shocked. There had been rumors that one of the planets was getting demoted. The consensus was that Uranus, the most inappropriate of all the planets, was getting pink-slipped.

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Stop by Mianus some time. (image via signspotting.com/Chris Phung)

“I’m out here on the edge of the solar system. I define the outer limit. I’m so inoffensive and Uranus just begs to be mispronounced. Why me?”, Pluto asked.

“Look, it’s nothing you’ve done”, he was told, “we’d be happy to recommend you to any other grouping of celestial bodies. It’s just that, well, frankly…everyone knows where Uranus is simply because it sounds dirty. We’re sorry.”

Show Me Yours And I’ll Show You Mine

It’s true. Uranus is unique among the (remaining) planets. No one snickers when you mention Mars or Neptune, but people giggle when you bring up that one planet that starts with a U. Everyone knows where Uranus is, but not many can pinpoint mine. Read the rest of this entry »


So We’ve Got That Goin’ For Us

It’s been a little tough to get my writing done the past few weeks. Unfortunately, I had to go on vacation with my wife and a lot of my other friends. And of course, I picked up a cold as a souvenir. Then I had to have surgery.

To clarify, I did not have surgery to cure the cold. Everyone knows you starve and/or feed a cold. I had to have surgery to repair a hernia.

I had my goons stand around during the surgery to make sure there was no funny business. (image, public domain)

Yeah, somehow I ended up with a hernia. Two, in fact. See?! Writing is hard work.

I Got A Hernia From Writing, But Anyhow…

I’m a nice guy. There are people who would take issue with that. This isn’t their website, so you’ll have to take my word for it. I am nice.

I also believe that medical folks, especially nurses, are special people worthy of exceptional respect. And it is important to be kind to people who are going to sedate you and poke you with sharp stuff. So when I went to the hospital yesterday for surgery, I was very nice to everyone. Read the rest of this entry »


Just When I Think I’m Out, They Pull Me Back In

After my last post, I decided that I was going to leave the pumpkin thing alone for this year. The CBS story ran, my friends and family got a kick out of it. But the topic? Yes I was done with it. I’d milked it for all it is worth until next pumpkin season.

I even had something written to put here this morning. But because of what I’m telling you about, I’m rescheduling my post entitled Thomas, The Resentful Tank Engine until Monday.

Yeah, I Made The Daily Show. Bam.

(image via takk CCby SA3.0)

So today, I was going about my morning routine. In the midst of it, I took a moment and peeked at Facebook. In that random way that Facebook does, the first thing on my news feed was a message to my now twenty-three year old son from his middle school band director.

“I just saw your Dad on The Daily Show!”

My first thought was that she’d just seen the CBS This Morning interview. But then I considered the source. This is an educated, bright woman who I admire. Certainly she knows the difference between CBS This Morning and The Daily Show. And not surprisingly, she does.

There I was, cut in to a really funny swipe at the pumpkin thing on The Daily Show! I’ll pause and wait while you click here to go over to the Comedy Central site and see the story.

So, yeah, that happened and I never saw it coming…but I love it!

Six Degrees

The way I found out about this Daily Show thing, second-hand, through my son’s middle school band director got me to thinking. The people who read my blog knew the original CBS story was running and I tried to let my friends and family know as well. But none of us knew The Daily Show was coming. Read the rest of this entry »


Five Routine Minutes: Sharing A Diet Coke With Omar

I haven’t run a Five Routine Minutes post in a while. For those who haven’t seen one before, this is the most poorly illustrated series on the net. Also, many times, what’s depicted doesn’t even add up to two minutes. But I like the idea as a goofy way to tell a story, so I’m resurrecting the series.

My wife has had to work a few recent weekends. That’s not typical and we’re taking it in stride. She’s done a lot of it at home. But this weekend she knew there was an event I wanted to attend.

Artist’s note: Despite what the drawing shows, my wife does not look like me. That would be creepy. Also, my goatee does not make my face look fat.

 

Read the rest of this entry »


This Tomato Thinks I Know What I’m Doing

Last year, I decided that I wanted to have a small vegetable garden on our patio.

I bought containers and plants, and assembled what I had into a tomato and jalapeño factory. There was no rhyme or reason to my choice of crops. I suppose I just like tomatoes and hot peppers.  If farmers chose their crops the way I do, we’d end up with a lot peppers and no Brussels sprouts. The world would be a better place

I am a farmer

I am a farmer

By the end of the summer, I declared my garden a success. My wife and I had fresh tomatoes for our salads until the first frost. The jalapeño harvest was prodigious; there’s still half of a gallon bag of spicy goodness in our freezer. But the biggest success of my garden was the enjoyment I got from it.

I tend to think that if a little of something is good, more is better. Sometimes that philosophy works, sometimes it gets me in trouble. But my plan this year is to have a bigger garden. A small garden equaled a little fun, so a big garden should equal a lot, right? Read the rest of this entry »


Everyone Fits Somewhere. We All Fit At The Deli.

It was a busy day. I spent the morning running writing and running errands. Hitting everything on my to do list felt great. I’d finished the list, except for the thing on it that I’d been looking forward to – lunch.

As I drove, I considered my options. Pizza was a possibility. Some really spicy Thai food would’ve hit the spot. I hadn’t had Chinese food for days. There was a great burger joint close by. And then I decided to try something completely different.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others

To be fair, the food was good, but maybe not this good. (image public domain)

Not far from our house, there is a little local deli that I’ve never been in. The place is in an older, interesting looking building that I’ve wanted to get a look at. It always looks busy at lunch. I took that as a good sign and gave the joint a shot. Read the rest of this entry »


No, Don’t Bury Me. Here’s What I Want.

I suppose the right thing to do is to start by saying that I don’t foresee the plans I’m putting in place here being used for a long time. My health is better than it has been in years. Barring being hit by a meteor or being mauled by a bear, I’m pretty certain I’m going to live for quite a while. One hundred years is not out of the question.

But there is some wisdom in establishing my wishes for when it is my time to go. The last thing I want my family wondering about after I’m gone is my funeral arrangements. To be sure they don’t, I’m going to lay my wishes out here, in a place where they’ll be easy to find in 2061…or 2062, if I push it and go for one-hundred-one years.

Services will be in Key West. Dress casual. (image public domain)

Cremation seems the way to go. It’s cheaper, and it eliminates that whole situation where people show up at a funeral home to look at what’s left of me lounging around in a box. Let’s face it, no one wants to see that. It is a creepy tradition that has to stop. I’m doing my part.

That’s just the first step. Yes, there’s more. Read the rest of this entry »


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