An Open Letter To My Cat

Dear Cat,

You’ve been living with us for a few months. As you may know, this is the only time I’ve ever lived with a cat. The closest that I came to living with a cat before my wife and I adopted you was when I dated a girl who owned a cat when I was in college. Even though I didn’t live with that cat, he somehow found the opportunity and motivation to urinate on me.

Now, to be fair, that cat and I never really saw eye to eye. I get along with most people and animals. But as I think about those with whom I’ve shared a mutual dislike, I have to say that was the only situation where urine came in to play. That didn’t bode well for you and I getting along. Read the rest of this entry »


A Better Way To Board Airliners

Whenever I travel, I can’t help but notice the different ways that airlines load passengers on their planes.

That first sentence isn’t really true. Whenever I travel by plane, I can’t help but notice the different ways that airlines load passengers on their planes.When I drive to my destination, I’m indifferent to anything the airlines do.

Back then, airlines weren’t good at boarding passengers. Some things never change. (image by Bill Larkin CCbySA2.0)

But the ways airlines have us board flights are nearly universally consistent in two respects – they’re inefficient and dull.

It seems to me that lining people up in the order in which they’ll be sitting, from the back of the plane to the front, and then sending that line on to the aircraft would get passengers aboard in the fastest way possible. Any flyer who boards a flight out-of-order, thus gumming up the process for those behind them, would be subject to verbal abuse by flight attendants and fellow travelers. Read the rest of this entry »


The Finest Blueberry Pie There Is

Some who read my blog know my friend, John. I think those who do know him would agree on this point – we’re sad for those who don’t.

All of us agree that he is someone everyone should know, but disagree on why. Some would point out that John talks with a funny accent and that makes him wicked fun to listen to. And that would be right. Who talks like that, y’all? No one.

Others might point out his fabulous wife as a reason to know him, and I’d agree there. You could also mention his noble profession, his fine sons, his charitable deeds or his taste in music. Read the rest of this entry »


Smokey Bear Is A Jerk

I was driving along a rural road on Saturday. It was a pretty ride, through a heavily treed area. It was at the entrance to a fire road, appropriately enough, that I saw the sign with Smokey Bear’s image on it. Next to Smokey was his famous slogan:

“Only you can prevent forest fires.”

Back off, bear. (image public domain)

Over the next few miles I considered how awful forest fires are – the trees and animals that are lost; the cost in destroyed property and lives. I’m a live and let live kind of guy. But if you asked where I stand on forest fires, I’d say that I oppose them.

It’d probably be a safe assumption that someone who is against forest fires is also pro-Smokey Bear. That’d be a safe assumption; but in my case it’d be a false assumption.

I think Smokey Bear is a jerk. Read the rest of this entry »


No, Don’t Bury Me. Here’s What I Want.

I suppose the right thing to do is to start by saying that I don’t foresee the plans I’m putting in place here being used for a long time. My health is better than it has been in years. Barring being hit by a meteor or being mauled by a bear, I’m pretty certain I’m going to live for quite a while. One hundred years is not out of the question.

But there is some wisdom in establishing my wishes for when it is my time to go. The last thing I want my family wondering about after I’m gone is my funeral arrangements. To be sure they don’t, I’m going to lay my wishes out here, in a place where they’ll be easy to find in 2061…or 2062, if I push it and go for one-hundred-one years.

Services will be in Key West. Dress casual. (image public domain)

Cremation seems the way to go. It’s cheaper, and it eliminates that whole situation where people show up at a funeral home to look at what’s left of me lounging around in a box. Let’s face it, no one wants to see that. It is a creepy tradition that has to stop. I’m doing my part.

That’s just the first step. Yes, there’s more. Read the rest of this entry »


An Open Letter To AARP

Dear AARP,

I appreciate that you look out for my interests. I don’t have the time to travel to Washington as often as I’d like. When I do get there, I’m not interested in soiling my reputation by being seen with elected officials. I’ll happily pay my dues to have you lobby on my behalf.

Yeah, I get a free one. Why? Because I’m an AARP member. (image public domain)

That’s not all that you do for me. I get good deals on donuts when I get together with my old man friends every morning. And when I travel, I get a break on hotel costs. You offer me insurance and I get a magazine every month. It almost seems like a one-sided deal that is in my favor. If you’re OK with that, so am I. Read the rest of this entry »


I’m Sick Of Frozen

You know what? Enough is enough. Though I have not seen (and will not ever see) the movie Frozen, I am officially sick of it.

As best I can tell from the blizzard of crap for sale in stores, the movie has three characters. There is a blonde girl who smirks a lot, a red-haired girl who seems secondary to the blonde girl and a snow man who looks like a demented pile of soft-serve ice cream. They live somewhere cold, because, well, Frozen, right? Of course it is frozen; soft-serve ice cream can’t just walk around on a magical island near the equator, can it? Read the rest of this entry »


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