Dear NASA, I Want To Be An Astronaut

Dear NASA,

I noticed that you announced on Facebook that I could apply to be an astronaut. Thank you for letting me know.

 You might reconsider putting that sort of thing on Facebook when you see the quality of the other applicants. Of course, that message did reach your obvious target audience. I suppose that you have to deal with some lower quality Facebook astronaut wannabes to get to a prime candidate like me.

It’s probably best that you get away from that stereotypical young test pilot with a crew cut sort that you’ve been hiring since the sixties. You just don’t know what you’re going to get from them.

No, wait. Actually, I think you do know what you’re going to get from them and it’s boring. I’m certain there are things that are attractive about knowing you’re going to get a measured and reasonable response from a person under pressure. But when the chips are down and the navigation computer is too, is a little bit of freaking out in a space capsule such a bad thing? Read the rest of this entry »

The End Of The World Didn’t Happen, Again.


So, I got all ragey about people predicting the end of the world for their gain and vented that rage. Click on over to Long Awkward Pause to see how I’m going to solve this problem.

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

If you’re reading this, the world didn’t end on Wednesday, as predicted. As worlds go, I guess ours is sort of unreliable that way. All the signs supposedly point to its imminent destruction and then, boom…the world doesn’t go boom.

1945, first atomic bomb dropped Yeah, sorry, wrong again. Maybe next time, Reverend Doom.

How unreliable is our unpredictable world? People have been incorrectly predicting the end since 68 A.D.. It has failed to end as predicted thirty-two times in this century.

The bulk of those making predictions are best categorized as religious zealots. Actually, they’re best categorized as religious nuts, but that term gives nuts a bad name.

And yet time after time, when these people make their predictions they get press. And a certain part of the population does whatever one does to prepare for the end of the world. You might think there’s no harm in these predictions, but I think…

View original 708 more words

No, Really. Monday Morning, For Sure.

So, you may recall that little over a week ago I did an interview with CBS News about the intrusion of pumpkin into food. It was originally planned to air on the CBS This Morning show this past Wednesday. And then it didn’t.

Unfortunately for the pumpkin hating movement, The Pope slipped into town unannounced and my appearance was unavoidably delayed. I don’t have a problem with the delay. The Pope has several more followers and a great deal more wisdom than I ever will. And he’s got me on wardrobe though. I have a cooler car than The Pope does; my car wasn’t enough to keep me from being preëmpted.

Now the Pope is headed home and the morning show is desperate for something to fill the time. So they were all “we want to run your interview on Monday at 8:20” and I was like “oh, The Pope left you hanging and now you remember my number”. So then they said “dude, get over yourself”, so I did.

So, I’m glad that you had the chance to watch The Pope last week. I will be making the scene on The CBS Morning Show at about 8:20 on Monday morning (9/27/15). I will not be wearing any robes.

Be there, Aloha.

Five Other Hunts By Dr. Walter Palmer


I made a fresh batch of words for you over at one of the other places that I write, Long Awkward Pause.

Click on over for more reasons to rage at Walter Palmer, DDS.

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Well, we all know by now that Minneapolis dentist Walter Palmer is disliked for more than just his root canals. The revelation that he hunted and killed a beloved lion in Zimbabwe has made him the newest target for internet outrage.

(public domain) This morning, I signed on and saw the news that Dr. Palmer paid $127,500 to settle a 2005 sexual harassment claim brought by one of his employees.

After I thought about what an uncool guy he is for mistreating the woman he harassed, I thought about $127,500. That’s a lot of money for us non-dentists. For Walter Palmer, that’s a hunting trip.

So because he had to pay off that misdeed, he probably didn’t get to go hunt anything “cool” that year. Poor guy. That thought set me to wondering what else Dr. Walter Palmer has hunted down and killed. I pretended to look into it and…

View original 584 more words

You Don’t Become A Baseball Player By Putting On A Uniform


I wrote this about my dad a few years ago. The wisdom of his lesson has served me well throughout my life. Ironically, he taught this lesson using a game that he never played.
Call your dad today, if you can. He remembers you at your best. Sometimes he remembers you better than you actually were, and that is kind of cool too.

Originally posted on Blurt:

I love baseball. Always have. Always will.

Baseball Field Baseball Field (Photo credit: howsmyliving)

That doesn’t mean that I was especially good at it. I never threw particularly well. I could field adequately, but I wasn’t all that fast. The one thing I could do was hit. I didn’t hit the long ball, but I could get myself on base. When I was old enough to try out for Little League, I made the team.

I always made the team. That’s where I’d hit the wall.

I made the team, I had a uniform, I went to practice and I showed up for the games. I usually didn’t make it into the games. I’d go on the field for pregame drills. Sometimes I’d get the catcher’s mitt and warm up whatever pitcher the coach was going to put in the game next. A few times, he sent me out to coach third…

View original 714 more words

News Flash: Some Animals Don’t Mind Hurting You

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

The news media seems always eager to identify the latest “trends”. And yet they’ve missed a potentially dangerous one that has come up this week – animals have begun killing us at an alarming rate.

Hakuna Matataaaaauuuughh

“Dude, I will totally kill you” – every lion ever born (image by Robek CCbySA3.0)

A lion attacked and killed a woman as she toured a place called Lion Park in South Africa. Lion Park safety rules require visitors to tour in cars with their windows rolled up because, you know, lions.

View original 434 more words

Let’s Do Fireball Shots! Bad Idea.

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:


Its name brings a smile to the faces bar owners who see their profits rising when they hear one of their unsuspecting patrons say “let’s do some Fireball!”. Why do I say unsuspecting patrons? Because as they’ve driven Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey from being a relatively unknown product to one of the top-ten liquors in the US market, few have taken note of Fireball’s dark secret.

View original 797 more words


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 5,769 other followers