When my administration takes control of the world, one of the things that you’ll surely notice is that I won’t take control of everything.
This revelation will concern those of you who know that the world will thrive under my leadership. And while you’re right to think that my policies will usher in a vastly improved society, I think that it will be important to leave certain things to you all to handle…with my guidance, of course.
The idea of leaving certain things to you to handle, with my guidance, is part of today’s policy announcement.
Even I have to hit the grocery store now and again. When I do, it is often for just a few items. Those are the occasions that, like you, I take advantage of the express check-out lanes to get out of the store a little faster.
Now, those express lanes are usually marked with signs that say something like “12 items or less”. Right thinking people like you and I follow those rules because that’s just the right thing to do. We’re all aware that there is no legal sanction for exceeding the twelve item limit; common courtesy is enough to move us to the proper lane when we hit thirteen items. Read the rest of this entry »
I love music. Dancing is pretty good too, if someone else is doing it. When I take over running the world, my administration will support music, dance and all the arts.
Generally, my administration will support the arts without regard to my opinion of them. I don’t like rap music, but I see that some people do. I don’t enjoy ballet, other people love it. I’ll support both rap and ballet, despite my distaste for both.
But when I say generally, smart Blurt readers (as if there were another kind) realize that there is at least one exception to my support of the arts. Read the rest of this entry »
I have what you might call an irrational fear of slugs. If you do call it that, I’ve got to tell you that I think that’s a very uncool thing for you to have said. My fear is very rational.
As I’ve mentioned in the past, I find slugs repulsive. If I found one in my home I would have to give serious consideration to torching the joint. If I stepped on a slug, I’d be so repulsed I’d have to saw the contaminated foot off. Anything that is so vile as to make a rational man like me consider self amputation has no place on our planet.
I love Iceland.
Iceland, if you’re reading this, call me, maybe?
I’ve never been to Iceland, but I like the people and the country anyhow. There were Vikings in Iceland. That should raise the nation to the top of anyone’s list.
But Vikings are not the only great thing about Iceland. The country has volcanoes and glaciers. Hawaii shows off its volcanoes. Iceland dismisses Hawaii by pointing to its volcano with a glacier on top of it. Imagine a country that has so many natural wonders it has to stack them up. What you just saw in your mind’s eye is Iceland.
The march toward my administration goes on. I have my policy writing staff working on new rules that address the matters other ruling bodies have been afraid to take on.
This seems like a good time to review an important policy.
With the first weekend of December upon us, many of our neighbors will begin preparing their outdoor lighting displays. Many of them will be fun to see. Others will be inspiring. A few will be dreadful.
Even though I have not completed my take over as the Incognito Ruler Of The World, it is appropriate for you to enforce my policies. There is no better, no easier time to take the law into your own hands than now. Address those dreadful displays.
Review my administration’s policy on Christmas decoration and remember, there were three wise men, not five.
Sometimes, terms get taken over and misapplied. Proud words, who once stood for something, now hang their heads in shame. They became hip and so overused that they now mean nothing.
Today’s policy announcement is intended to help a phrase that was once synonymous with a significant rite of passage return to its rightful place of honor.
My administration will stand up for boot camp.
Remember When Boot Camp Meant Boot Camp?
When I was young, I had an uncle and a cousin who entered military service. Their first stop after the recruiter’s office was boot camp.
I’d never been to boot camp, but I understood it was not a picnic. It involved angry, squared jawed men in round hats yelling at recruits so closely that spit would fly out on the new soldiers’ faces and they were not allowed to complain about it. They would learn to shoot guns, crawl under barbed wire and fight using big q-tip things. Read the rest of this entry »
Long ago, a business person decided to expand the building he operated from. Concerned that construction equipment in the parking lot would make customers think he’d closed the business during remodeling, he put out a sign. The sign said “Here We Grow Again! Open During Construction”.
His partner arrived shortly after the sign was hung. She said “Ha, I see what you did. Play on words. Yes.” The words carried no hint of enthusiasm, but they were enough. Since that day, entrepreneurs have put out that clever “here we grow again” sign when they expand or for new construction.
My Administration Will Value Words
Words are tools that convey messages of importance and humor. Sometimes, humor joins with importance to help both be more effective. The humor/importance interface is what the “grow again” crowd is aiming for. Because they don’t effectively use the tools we call words, they never hit the mark they’re aiming for. Read the rest of this entry »
There are certain foods that are tied to specific geographic regions. When you think crab cakes, you must think of my home state of Maryland. The best clam chowder comes from New England. The Cuban Mix sandwich is a delicacy from South Florida (and Cuba, I suppose).
Barbecue differs depending on what style the chef uses – Kansas City, Texas, Memphis and North Carolina style barbecues are different foods. In fact, barbecue in eastern or western North Carolina are not the same dish. South Carolina barbecue? Forget it. Mustard based sauce is just not acceptable, but they call that barbecue too
I recognize the deliciousness of the cuisine particular to each region. Getting a dish that is created in the area it is native to is a real joy. People in those places have a vested interest in providing a dining experience that meets expectations. That is why my administration will enforce a policy designed to help regional chefs protect their cuisine and the dining experience. Read the rest of this entry »