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Oscar de la Renta’s Secret

People of a certain age can tell you what they were doing when President Kennedy died. I was two when it happened, so I’m clueless about what I was doing when that sad news broke.

I remember it like it was yesterday, which it was. (image via prosportsblogging.com)

But I remember where I was when I learned that fashion designer Oscar de la Renta passed away.

When I think about it, the moment comes back to me, like it was yesterday, which it was. While we were watching Monday Night Football my wife said “hmm, Oscar de la Renta died”. I said something intelligent, like “oh”.

Maybe I should have said more, like maybe “his poor wife”, “did you know that in Spanish his name means Oscar of the rent?” or “we should probably send a card” but there was an incomplete pass and I forgot to say any of those things. Read the rest of this entry »

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The Danger Of Ebola

Ebola. Have you heard about it? Maybe heard about it way too much? Ebola is the latest reason that we’re all going to die.

Ebola, or an abstract line drawing of a reclining mermaid. (image public domain)

A few months ago, wandering airliners were going to do us in. Between Ebola and Air Malaysia was Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon; that guy was going to kill everyone. E coli on cantaloupes was the most dangerous thing on earth not so long ago. Before that, bird flu and swine flu – they were going to finish us for sure.

Yup, Ebola’s going to do it, this is definitely the big one. Sure, a person can’t get the disease without having direct contact with the bodily fluids of someone with the disease. Oh, yeah, I’m leaving out the thing that’s going to get most of us – contact with infected bats. I touch so many bats every day; odds are that eventually I will touch an infected one.

Look, Here’s The Thing…

You’re not going to get Ebola. You’re just plain not going to unless you do something clever, like get an Ebola patient’s breast milk in your eye. Read the rest of this entry »


An Open Letter To Eric

Dear Eric,

Congratulations you on your entrepreneurial spirit. It takes guts and drive to open a business. My guts drive me in other directions, but I admire those who put themselves out there to open their own shop. You might think a guy like me wouldn’t feel that way about someone who has opened a body piercing shop, but I do.

Ow, OW! (image by Eric Magnan CCbySA4.0)

I admire that you’ve identified a niche you can market to. That niche – people who want new niches poked into their body – isn’t one I’m part of. But you are filling the needs of people who need puncture wounds and stimulating the local economy; good for you, sir.

Because I think I know a lot about people and a little about everything else, I’m going to point something out. Maybe you’ll think I’m presumptuous to say anything. After all, you know body piercing and you’ve got a business permit; you’re light years ahead of me, business wise. But I’m older. I’ve spent my life studying human nature and I have to comment on the most visible part of your marketing plan. Yes, the sign you have out by the road. Read the rest of this entry »


Five Things Kim Jong Un Did While He Was Gone

Yesterday, new photos of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un were released. Word on the street is that they are the first snap shots of the big guy in public in well over a month. His absence from view fueled a lot of speculation – was he sick? Dead? Overthrown? No one knew.

But now he is back and this is the only place to find out where he was. You can take what I’m going to reveal to you as absolute truth; we all know I am connected in North Korea, big time. I am connected like Dennis Rodman, minus all the weird baggage that comes with that guy.

Behold, Kim Jong Un’s top five fun activities while he was out of the public eye: Read the rest of this entry »


Where No One (But The Psychic Clown) Knows Your Name.

Yesterday, I was enjoying a nice autumn ride in the Miata. I had the top down, my iPod plugged in to the stereo and was singing Just Say Yeah with Jackson Browne. If you guessed that Jackson was doing a better job of singing, you are right.

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Is it possible for them to have booked more random entertainment?

So Jackson and I were singing, I was driving along and taking in the scenery. Part of that scenery ended up being a sign, one of those portable ones that you slide the letters in to make a message. Yesterday, that sign’s job was to advertise an event at a local watering hole. Among the entertainment they’d booked for this event were a psychic and a clown.

Maybe I’ve Been Hasty. I Should Stop In.

I’ve never been in the place. There are bars where I belong and there are bars where I don’t. This bar falls into the second category, as do all bars that book psychics and clowns. When I imagine walking in that bar, the scene is always the same. As the door closes, the music stops and everyone stares at me. Nothing good ever happens after that. Read the rest of this entry »


What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Take a look at this photo. Yes, that’s me, without a hat or sunglasses. I do come from attractive parents; apparently the attractive genes are recessive. But anyhow, look at the photo.

Can you tell me what’s wrong with it?

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Yes, it’s a little out of focus and there are shadows. The original doesn’t have those problems. Why are you so picky?

If you said anything like “I don’t like your stupid smirk” or “you’re so old; what’s with the faux-hipster goatee?”, you’re right. Those closest to me might also add that the blank background does not give adequate perspective to let the viewer know how truly large my cranium is. Read the rest of this entry »


A Guy Walks In To A Bar

Don’t start anything in here (image by Querren, CCbySA3.0)

I’m a guy. In fact, I’m a guy who has been known to walk in to a bar.

A guy walks in to a bar. He is carrying jumper cables. The bartender says “hey man, don’t start anything in here.”

“A guy walks in to a bar” is the start of so many good jokes. The guy walks in and the joke lies in his interaction with the bartender. When the guy in the joke changes into a group of stereotypical characters or even an animal, walking in to a bar is still what makes the magic happen.

Ebola walks into a bar. Bartender says “we don’t serve infections viruses in here”. Ebola says “you’re a lousy host”. Read the rest of this entry »


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