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I May, In Fact, Be Alive

I was born a very young person with a short attention span. I paid no attention to formalities like keeping records or filling out forms. It never occurred to me to keep track of the hospital staff involved in my delivery, or even the time of my birth. That inattention to detail was the start of my problem, lo these many years later.

This happened in New Jersey too. I had nothing to do with it. (public domain, wikimedia)

You see, I would like to get a passport. Once I get that document, I’ll be able to vacation outside the United States. Todd Snider wrote that “a man hasn’t technically flown until he lands”. In the spirit of Mr. Snider’s thought, I will also use my passport to return to the United States.

Nations are pretty particular about knowing who wanders over their borders. My home country is no exception. If they’re going to watch me go and then give me a pass to just stroll back in when I’m good and ready, they want to confirm that I am who I claim I am. So, one of the things they’ve asked to see in the process of giving me a key to the front door of the country is my birth certificate.

Since I was young and did not have pockets when I earned my birth certificate I do not have a copy of it at hand. That vital record is in the hands of the State of New Jersey…I think.
Read the rest of this entry »

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Why I Don’t Eat Penguins

A long time ago, I wrote about how good I am at parallel parking. I told you then that I don’t like to brag. That’s still true. Bragging is so uncool.

But I’m exceptional at peeling oranges.

Oranges – Good And Good For You

Antarctic explorers ate penguins to prevent scurvy.

Just saw a Norwegian (imabe by Ken Funakoshi CC by SA 2.0)

You might not think that being a skilled orange peeler isn’t such a big deal, but it is. Peeling an orange makes it so much tastier. The better I enjoy the taste of the orange, the more likely it is that I will eat it. When I eat an orange I get all the health benefits it has.

An orange contains twelve and a half percent of your body’s daily requirement of fiber. That’s important for a guy my age. Just think of all the money I’m saving on Metamucil because I’ve developed my orange peeling to such a high level.

Did you know that members of Roald Amundsen’s successful expedition to the South Pole ate penguins to ward off scurvy? They did, because Norwegians are notoriously bad orange peelers. My orange peeling gift allows me to get at the tasty Vitamin C inside the fruit and protect myself from scurvy.

But enough about oranges, let’s talk about me. Read the rest of this entry »


What Your Boss Can Learn From Bruce Springsteen

omawarisan:

Had a chance to see Bruce Springsteen last weekend in Virginia Beach. It inspired me to update my post about what The Boss knows that a lot of bosses don’t.
You can find it over at Long Awkward Pause

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Last weekend I was on a road trip with my son. We went to Virginia Beach to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. This was somewhere around my eleventy-seventh Bruce show since the 1980′s; it was my son’s first.
Find Oma.

Where’s Omawarisan?

This trip was something we’ve talked about for a long time. One of the things I promised when we were talking about doing this was that we would end up right where we were, standing right in front of the stage with no one between us and the band. I had no business promising that because I had no way of knowing I could make that dream come true.

Sometimes things work out the way they should.  We stood and watched the show from the barricade in front of the stage and were often inches from Bruce and the band. But this isn’t about father/son road trips…

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Can I Get A Witness?

I am going to hire an employee. That person will have one duty – they will have to be with me so that I always have someone to turn to and say “did you see that?” when I witness something.

Unfortunately, I have not hired that employee yet. You’re going to have to take my word for it – the story I’m about to tell you is true.

Traveling Man

(public domain, wikimedia)

A six a.m. flight had me up and moving early. I wasn’t moving fast, but I was moving. There were all the usual hygiene procedures, then I got dressed and carried my bags out in to the hotel’s hallway. Read the rest of this entry »


Stop Interrupting Me

Last week, I told you about my latest and most terrifying haircut adventure. Today I’m going to tell you that it may not be over.

No, I’m not saying that I’ve been getting my hair cut continuously for the past three weeks. I will admit that would be terrifying in its own way. Thank you so much for bringing it up. If there’s anything I need, it’s to waste more time worrying about crazy stuff that you bring up…like three week long haircuts. Please don’t interrupt me.

I’m concerned about something much more sinister, with ethical implications far beyond what I should be addressing on my humble blog.

Lydia, Oh Lydia

The only thing scarier than one of these is one of these in Lydia’s hand. (image by Dr. K CC by SA 3.0)

You might recall that my last few haircuts were done by a woman who is littered with bad tattoos. During my last cut, she brought out a straight razor to trim the hair on the back of my neck. No one has ever used a straight razor to cut my hair before. Read the rest of this entry »


Art Criticism: George Washington, By Gilbert Stewart

Chances are you’ve got a Gilbert Stewart painting in your pocket. Of course, if you live outside the US or are having some financial difficulties you might not. The picture of George Washington on a U.S. one dollar bill is from a Stewart portrait of the first president of the United States.

Gilbert produced more than one thousand portraits during his career. Not all of those paintings were of George Washington, but a lot of them were. Washington was a favorite topic for Gilbert. Not just any art critic would take on the task of critiquing a very skilful portrait artist on a painting of that artist’s favorite subject.

I’m not just any art critic.

Today, I am going to discuss a particular Washington portrait by Gilbert. The original is at the Museum Of Fine Arts in Boston. A reproduction of this painting hangs in Boston’s Faneuil Hall. Read the rest of this entry »


Probably The Last Thing I’ll Say About It

I don’t do many current events related posts, but I’ve found myself writing more than I expected about the plane that’s missing over in the Pacific. I suppose that writing about how offensive I find the television media coverage probably glorifies it in the end, but writing is all I’ve got to swing at it with.

So I wrote about it twice. On the second post, Katie made a comment referring to the children’s book “Goodnight Moon”. Many of you know Katie from her site Sass and Balderdash; she’s also recently joined us at a humor site I’ve been a part of for a while, Long Awkward Pause.

Katie tossed out her children’s book reference with no way of knowing that it was a favorite of my son’s, way back when. I threw together a few lines, then shot her an email and we collaborated on a re-write of Goodnight Moon that hits at the media circus that surrounding the lost flight. Click here to give it a look on Long Awkward Pause.

Probably the last thing I’ll say about it until I go to the gym, watch the news and get pissed off again.


Top Five CNN Questions About New MH370 Transcript

(altair78 cc by sa 2.0)

The big story on CNN is that the last transmission from Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 was not “all right, good night”. Malaysian authorities now say that the last words from the plane were actually “Goodnight Malaysian three seven zero”.

Oh…my…God! Read the rest of this entry »


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