Share A Diet Coke With A Polar Bear?

Yesterday, I went to my favorite Chinese restaurant. That’s not so unusual. I am, after all, my parents’ only Asian son. But it was an unusual restaurant visit in that I didn’t get to eat.

I got to the restaurant shortly after opening and was shown to a seat. The owner came by, took my order and left. A few minutes later, the waitress came to my table and told me they couldn’t make any food because their gas was turned off.

230px-ursus_maritimus_par_louis_agassis_fuertes

Is not looking for a soda. (image public domain)

So, yesterday, I went to my second favorite Chinese restaurant. This one is a carry-out joint with a few tables and a system for remembering to pay their gas bill. I got a Diet Coke with my lunch and grabbed a seat.

Coke has been doing a promotion where they suggest who I should share my beverage with. I’ve had suggestions to drink my Diet Coke with all sorts of people. This time, my bottle suggested that I share my drink with a Polar Bear.

Is that really a good idea?

Understanding What A Polar Bear Does

These bears are not the cuddly creatures that Coca-Cola has turned them into for marketing purposes. Sure, other bears are dangerous, but polar bears are serious about their meat.You won’t see them picking berries or stealing picnic baskets.

Polar bears regularly kill and eat bearded seals that weigh up to eleven-hundred pounds. A one-hundred-ninety pound bearded me would be an easily mauled snack.

Polar bears are bad-asses. How bad? Here is a picture of three of them who’ve caught a nuclear submarine and yanked it through the ice. Examine the photo and recognize the level of the badness this species has achieved.

640px-polar_bears_near_north_pole

What happened after this is too horrible to be published here. (image public domain)

Consider where these bears live. They’re way up north where nothing else lives but seals and submarines. It’s freezing up there. Do you really think they want a cold beverage? No. If a polar bear is thirsty, it will just drink whatever it can wring out of your still warm carcass.

And don’t even get me started on carbonation. Even if you manage to get the bear to understand that you’ve brought a refreshing beverage and can explain the idea of drinking out of a bottle, the bubbles are going to freak the bear out. The last thing you want on your hands is a freaked out polar bear.

Polar Bears And The Gas Company. Neither Cares.

Can you name the last thing a person who freaks out a polar bear sees? Neither can I, and I’m damned sure going to keep it that way.

So here’s my suggestion. Don’t go wandering the arctic offering to share beverages with bears. They neither understand nor appreciate the gesture; sharing is a foreign concept to them.

Instead, stay home. Have some hot chocolate, maybe with a shot of orange or maybe those little marshmallows.

And pay your utility bills. The gas company doesn’t care that your won-ton soup is great and it cured my last cold. They want their money and they’ll wring it out of your carcass. Or maybe cut your gas off at lunch time.


6 Comments on “Share A Diet Coke With A Polar Bear?”

  1. I have a story about an idiot sharing grape soda with a brown bear. Equally bad in the idea category.

  2. Mike says:

    It’s Marketing! Thank God. I always thought Coca-Cola was made WITH Polar Bear! TIL!

  3. LRose says:

    Wouldn’t recommend you share with the cat either. Shredded dermis. I guarantee.

  4. April says:

    Ha! I got my coke from a Chinese restaurant today–share with a polar bear!

  5. Blogdramedy says:

    So I guess Diet Pepsi is off the menu…

    PS – Where ya been, Oma? The gang over at NWR are missing you.

  6. larva225 says:

    That’s why I don’t worry about starving polar bears and melting ice caps. Like Chuck Norris, polar bears are so bad-ass they can fart out their own icebergs.


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