If George Bush Did A Parachute JumpPosted: June 13, 2014
I don’t think much of politicians. Once you get away from them, I’m really loathe to lump people into a group. But I’m not shy about saying that I don’t think much of people who run for office. I’ve never met a politician who had all the answers. I’ve never known one who didn’t think they were the one who had all the answers.
That said, the news that former president George H.W. Bush parachuted from a helicopter to celebrate his ninetieth birthday is the inspiration for me to start planning my own ninetieth birthday stunt. This is the only time I have ever been inspired by a politician.
The choice of a skydive seems a natural choice for the WW II fighter pilot turned president. He’d jumped seven times before, including once when his plane was shot down over the Pacific. I think it would have been funny if he’d celebrated by reprising the 1992 incident where he vomited on the Prime Minister of Japan.
Time To Plan
Ninety years old is a few years away for me, but it’s never too early to start planning. Like Bush, I had a cool career job title. While ex-fighter pilots can fly a private plane or skydive, there is no recreational equivalent for retired hostage negotiators like me. I won’t be able to arrange for a despondent person to take hostages in a convenience store to celebrate my ninetieth birthday.
So I’ve got thirty-seven and a half years to dream up my ninetieth birthday stunt.
Right now, singing with a band is on the top of the list of potential celebratory stunts. Singing is a challenge because I have a very limited vocal range. My range is not quite a full octave. Let me clarify. Not quite a full octave to me means two notes. I’m not sure which letters represent my notes; I just know that one of my notes is slightly higher than the other one.
My public singing experience is limited to one very late night karaoke performance of The Theme From Shaft. I chose Shaft because it fit my vocal range. I should tell you that I did not get to complete the song. I performed the first line of the song “Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks?” My background singer (Yes, I had a background singer. It was equally a very late night for her) chirped “Shaft!” just like on the record and then the music stopped. The person running the karaoke machine told us that the machine broke.
Of course, the machine worked fifteen seconds later when karaoke woman called the next person up to the stage. I guess my background singer was off-key or something.
The Intro To The Theme From Shaft Is Two Minutes and Forty Seconds Long. I Know That Now.
Anyhow, my plan is to sing the old Bill Withers hit “Use Me”. It doesn’t matter who sings it, the song rocks and people love it. That’s the kind of song I need. I’m not going to just expect that people will see ninety year old me wobble up on stage and charitably cheer for me because I’m elderly. I want them to say “that old man can wail”. My song selection will help that happen.
People who have heard me sing are reading this and thinking that this plan is never going to work. They may be right. Unfortunately, this singing thing is the only ninetieth birthday plan I have in the hopper right now. I considered throwing up on the Prime Minister Of Japan, but I don’t know how I’d get him to my party.
I’ve got thirty-seven and half years to get this plan together. I can’t be out done by a mere politician. I’m open to other ideas for my birthday stunt, as long as they don’t involve me jumping from an airplane or eating anything disgusting.