How To Defeat The World’s Largest VirusPosted: March 7, 2014
I’ve got a cold. Last night, no cold. This morning, a cold.
Who knows where these things come from? I wasn’t near anyone who was sniffling or sneezing. Everything was fine. And then, at 3:26 a.m., I had the start of a cold.
I wonder, in Nancy Kerrigan’s immortal words - “Why? Why?”
I have a theory.
I Have The World’s Largest Virus
There has been quite a lot of viral news recently. Not viral in the internet sense of virulence. Viral, meaning “about viruses”.
Last year, scientists discovered the “world’s largest virus”. The previous world’s largest, the now disgraced Megavirus, is only half the size of the newer “Pandoravirus”.
But the Pandoravirus only held the title for a matter of months. The new world’s largest virus is Pithovirus, which was found lying in wait in some thawing permafrost in Siberia.
The first virus was discovered in the 1890′s. One hundred twenty years later, scientists discovered the virus they call the world’s largest. Doesn’t it seem that things are out of proper sequence? Bigger things are usually easier to spot. As technology improves, we should be learning about the world’s smallest viruses, not the biggest ones.
Virologists say that Mega, Pandora and Pitho aren’t threats to humans. Yup, all is well.
I’m not putting much stock in what the experts say. These are people who easily find their car keys but have no idea where their cars are. They haven’t inspired my confidence. I’m certain that I have Pandoravirus or Pithovirus. My immune system has evolved to the point that it easily defeats puny viruses such as Megavirus.
My response to being attacked by a giant virus, potentially one that waited in ice for 30,000 years to make my nose run, is to apply the elixir of life.
Gotta Love A Medicine That Comes With A Shot Glass
Ny-Quil will save me from the giant viruses. It is time for the green miracle in the triangular bottle to go to work. Pithovirus only survived thirty millenniums in the permafrost because Siberia doesn’t have Ny-Quil. I’m certain that once that vaguely minty elixir rams into my giant virus I will start feeling better.
And I will sleep. I will sleep like a log. In the past few months, I’ve really been sleeping well. I’ve even started having dreams again. But tonight, I will be having those special Ny-Quil fueled dreams. Ny-Quil dreams are the thing that giant viruses aren’t ready for.
I’ll knock back a jigger of medicine. As soon as my head hits the pillow I will dream. It will be the most bizarre sort of dream. Perhaps I’ll dream of having a beer on the back porch with the three largest viruses. We’ll laugh and joke. But then things will get crazy. Teddy Roosevelt and his wife, Miley Cyrus, will come by with a pizza. We’ll all get along; I’ll even find that Ms. Cyrus is a pleasant person whose company I enjoy.
Realizing that I’m enjoying pizza and beer with Miley Cyrus will be enough to make my conscious mind intervene. It will tell me that it’s just the medicine at work. And that intervention is the key to my return to health.
You see, Ny-Quil destroys viruses by blowing their minds. The human brain has evolved to the point that it can recognize the difference between medicine fueled night reveries and reality. Viruses aren’t prepared for pizza with The Rough Rider President and Hannah Montana. The discord between reality and the dream world crushes what passes for a will to live in a virus.
I’ll be better soon.
Ny-Quil will protect us from the world’s largest virus. It will protect us from the next world’s largest virus too.