The Policies Of My Administration: Twelve Items Or LessPosted: February 11, 2014
When my administration takes control of the world, one of the things that you’ll surely notice is that I won’t take control of everything.
This revelation will concern those of you who know that the world will thrive under my leadership. And while you’re right to think that my policies will usher in a vastly improved society, I think that it will be important to leave certain things to you all to handle…with my guidance, of course.
The idea of leaving certain things to you to handle, with my guidance, is part of today’s policy announcement.
Even I have to hit the grocery store now and again. When I do, it is often for just a few items. Those are the occasions that, like you, I take advantage of the express check-out lanes to get out of the store a little faster.
Now, those express lanes are usually marked with signs that say something like “12 items or less”. Right thinking people like you and I follow those rules because that’s just the right thing to do. We’re all aware that there is no legal sanction for exceeding the twelve item limit; common courtesy is enough to move us to the proper lane when we hit thirteen items.
Not everyone is as courteous as we are. Just yesterday, I approached the express lane with two bags of edamame. Unfortunately, a woman in the express lane who was checking out about thirty pieces of merchandise blocked my quick exit. Perhaps you can understand my frustration.
Or perhaps you don’t care about my frustration. If you don’t, you probably ignore the express lane rules too. It will be very important for you to take note of the policy section.
Things will change at the express lane when my administration takes power. I will give the people the power to affect that change. What that means, twelve items or less scofflaws, is that the people behind you in line will enforce the twelve item limit.
Anyone self-centered enough to exceed the terms of the express lane will face sanction by their fellow shoppers. Suggested sanctions include:
- Verbal confrontation, to include mocking the violator’s ability to count and the parenting skills of the miserable souls who inflicted them upon decent society
- The shopper immediately behind the violator may have the violator pay for their groceries OR that shopper may seize everything that the violator has purchased
- In the event that two or more customers are in line behind the violator, all who are inconvenienced may vote that the violator be denied the use of shopping bags and be required to carry his or her purchase out of the store one item at a time.
I’m aware that folks who would clog the express line with thirteen or even twenty-five items are self-centered ingrates who aren’t keen on accepting public shaming even when they’ve earned it. So, to help that sort of person learn compliance, I will mandate that the police arrest any express line violator who dares to resist the will of the people behind them.
Please note that resisting the will of the people behind them will include making ridiculous arguments such as “these were two for one, so they don’t count”. If more than twelve items will appear on the purchase receipt, the purchaser is in violation.
Citizens, the world will be a better place when I am running it. I thank you for your part in making it better when, together, we begin punishing these express lane outlaws.
For those of you who weren’t aware that I will be taking over the world, you will find a list of my policies here.