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No One Is Perfect, Yet

I eat a lot of Chinese food.

“A lot” doesn’t provide a perspective on the amount I’m trying to describe, does it? Let me narrow it down for you. I eat a lot of Chinese food, but less than someone who lives in China.

Chinese is one of my food groups. The food pyramid we’re supposed to use separates foods into their components – so many servings of meats, so many vegetables, etc.. My pyramid focuses on the cuisines. It requires a certain number of servings of styles of food. Chinese has its own block in my pyramid.

Minding My Own Business, Which Is Where Things Always Start

Recently, I was at a restaurant doing my best to spike my body’s level of MSG. The waitress brought my check and fortune cookie. My fortune read “You shall soon achieve perfection”.

There’s your proof. Perfect proof.

That’s right. Perfection.

So many people have tried.

So few have succeeded.

So, apparently I’m just about there.

Before I reach the pinnacle, I think it is best to get a few things straight with all of you. It doesn’t seem like I’ve got time to wait if I am to get this done before I cross the line to perfection. “Soon” implies that my cookie saw a certain soon-ness to my perfection.

I’m Perfectly Fine With You The Way You Are

I’ve never been perfect, but I want you all to know that I’d like my perfection to unify us. You might think that I’d tend to separate myself from others because of what I’ll have become. That would be so imperfect of me and hardly worthy of our bond.

Since I intend to maintain our connection, I’ll also look to you all to come to me for assistance. My perspective on the world will be superior to what it is now. I expect that I’ll be able to see solutions to whatever problems you might be dealing with and be able to express those solutions in a non-judgmental manner.

Speaking of my non-judgmental manner, should you choose not to come to me for help, I will wonder why. When I wonder, I will do it without judging your problem or your bad choice in not looking to me for a solution. At that point in my development, I will have come up with a flawless means of expressing to you that your choice wasn’t optimum without reverting to imperfect phrases like “bad choice”.

Who Was That Masked Man?

I might go to South Africa and teach this man, well, you know. (image via wptv.com)

In my spare time, I will travel the world and enrich the lives of others through the power of my perfection. The best way to do this will be at random. Taking applications from people just seems unpleasant and needlessly competitive.

I’d rather show up, divine the issues of a person who is walking down the street and then provide the solution. I might cook a dinner for one person, counsel the next person and build a home for the third. The random delivery of perfect solutions will be life changing for the people I choose.

I’ll also make appearances on television shows. Those who watch will come to understand the important issues of the day, through the power of my ability to translate my pure thoughts into words. One of the first things I will impart to the world is that any music that contains a drum machine is not music.

Music with a drum machine is not music. There’s a perfect little sneak preview of my perfection for you.

Soon. Very soon.

But you and I, we’ll still be cool.

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23 Comments on “No One Is Perfect, Yet”

  1. It will be an honour to know such perfection.

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    Whoo hoo for fortune cookie wisdom!

  3. lbwoodgate says:

    I hope your prophecy comes out better than mine. I have sweated blooded believing I could will a mountain to move and have as yet seen nothing beyond being able to kick a dirt clod a few feet.

  4. tundrawoman says:

    In other words, you’re gonna transform into Fishlips Jolie.
    Oma, please reconsider: One of those is one too many, too many foolish. Consider the obvious burdens: You’re getting your offspring launched. Are you prepared to start purchasing and collecting multinational children and sticking them with nannies, publicists etc. while you’re off to exotic locales making ads for Louis Vuitton?
    Decisions, decisions…..

    • omawarisan says:

      Maybe I can do this without adding children?

      • tundrawoman says:

        Hmmm…well, in case of emergency you *could* maybe rent a bunch of ‘em off the webz and do a Cut-n-Paste selfie maneuver? That’d look good on my “Oma For Toronto Mayor” slag like bumper stickers, hockey pucks etc.
        Just a thought…

  5. pegoleg says:

    Thank you for your willingness to share your perfection with the less-evolved. Can I ask what the fortune said your lucky number was? I’m planning to buy a lottery ticket.

    And that sign language guy just confirmed what the sign-language-clueless like me have long suspected: they’re just making up stuff cuz they figure most of us are, well, sign-language-clueless.

  6. My most recent fortune cookie slip read, “You will know someone perfect soon.”

  7. Dan Hennessy says:

    I will just say congratulations ! As my mother used to say : ” There are so few of us perfect ones left . “

  8. I think you should show your perfection through the use of drums. Drums good. Drum machine not good. No soul….also uncool as all get out…just saying. Did I mentions, Drums Good?

  9. Lizi says:

    Let me congratulate you on this incredible achievement!

    But you do know the proper way to read ANY fortune cookie message, right? Just preface it with, “When in the bathroom…”

  10. Debbie says:

    I believe the “kids” add “in bed” to the end of fortune cookies these days. Gives your evening a whole new outlook, hmm?!!

  11. Blogdramedy says:

    Your pitch? Perfect.

  12. Mal Content says:

    Damn it, I was halfway through my application when you said you were going to help people “at random.”

    If you would like to show up and divine my issues while I’m walking down the street I would appreciate it. Cooking dinner would also be welcome.

  13. Well, I like you just the way you are, honestly. Don’t go changing to try to please us.


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