Five Signs You’ll Get AlzheimersPosted: June 21, 2013
I meet a lot of people who complain about getting older. That’s their right, I suppose. You’ll not hear me whine about aging. When a person stops aging, they don’t get much else done. I’ve got too much on my plate right now to stop aging.
Getting older has meant a lot of change for me. My solar sex panel is expanding. A lot of people call me sir. That used to happen at work because of my rank, now it’s because I’m an antique. A kid is now defined as someone under 28. I’m starting to get senior discounts. The ads that are targeted toward me are changing too.
There’s This Guy
This gentleman and whatever company he represents keep popping up in my internet ads. It seems that, somehow, they’re going to profit from the concerns of people my age who worry about Alzheimer’s disease.
The way I understand it, if you have Alzheimer’s you’ve got it. If not, you don’t. There isn’t really a way to fix it. The lack of a cure doesn’t stop folks from trying to squeeze a few bucks out of my demographic.
As a public service, I’m going to give you five signs that you might get Alzheimer’s. Free. It won’t even cost you a mouse click on this ad when it pops up on your screen.
Let’s pause here to pick at the poor grammar of this ad. The sentence “5 signs you’ll get Alzheimer’s” reads as if it is a given that you’ll get the disease because these people have seen those tell-tale signs on you. Is it even legal for a digit to begin a sentence?
I don’t feel bound by the word choices of these hucksters. So here are my…
My Five Signs You Could Get Alzheimer’s
- You click on ads like this one.
- You like that shirt.
- You look like David Crosby.
- You know who David Crosby is.
- You’re still alive.
I have validated this test by taking it myself:
- I don’t click on these ads
- That shirt rocks. I would buy two, just so I’d have one when I wore the first one out.
- I do not look like David Crosby
- I know who David Crosby is.
- I’m still alive.
So, that’s four of five questions. On a one hundred point scale, five questions work out to twenty points a question. My test gives me an eighty percent chance of getting Alzheimer’s.
But I’ve been wrong before. For instance, question two seems invalid because that shirt is great. Who wouldn’t love that shirt? If we drop question two , my score goes to three out of four. A seventy-five percent chance is better, right?
Better by far.
Yeah. Maybe I’d better redesign the test.
update: it’s been pointed out that I got 3, not 4 of 5 on the first test. I’m leaving the error in place because I’m trying to act like that’s part of the test…or something.