I’m Sorry. You Were Right. I Was.Posted: April 30, 2013
Lots of people say it. They’ll say it to my face. I’ve gotten it at work, I’ve heard it at home. My friends have told me.
I’ve denied it. Without exception, every time they’ve said it, I have said it isn’t true. Perhaps I knew it was so. Maybe I just didn’t want to believe it could be true. I denied it. I ignored the pressure within; the pressure that told me it was true.
Perhaps it’s just that it sounds harsh. Even when people laugh while they’re saying it, even when the context is friendly, it sounds harsh. I didn’t want that. It’d be awful if it were true, so it couldn’t be.
Knowing how awful and harsh as it is to hear, I’ll freely admit that I’ve said it. Friends, I’ve told them. Strangers, yeah a few. Car salesmen, every one I’ve ever met. I’m not proud of having said it even though I know it is a bit rough…except to car salesmen. In their cases it is true. And that goes for their managers too.
As recently as this weekend, I heard it again. I was with friends and a made a remark. We all had a laugh and someone said it in the midst of their laugh. I didn’t make a big deal about it, but inside I thought “no I’m not”. Deny, deny, deny.
Today I am here to apologize. Apparently I was wrong. That become clear to me over the past 12 hours. The truth has pushed its way out of me. Inexorably, with startling force, it has burst forth and proven me wrong. I can’t deny it. This truth is unpleasant, but I can’t stop it.
I can’t stop it. So I’m sorry. I apologize to each and every one of you who have told me and gotten one of my denials. You were right to tell me. You were more accurate than either of us knew. It was just like you said. I admit it. The next time one of you says it about me, I will not say that I’m not.
I will say that I was.
Last night, I took my first dose of the medicine to get ready for my colonoscopy. This morning I took the second. The truth that so many knew about me has been revealed to me in horrible detail. I have been on the john almost continuously and I now know that apparently I really was full of crap.
Trust me on this: I’m not anymore.