When I Get Rich: My Announcers
Posted: March 20, 2013 Filed under: When I Get Rich | Tags: blogging, Color commentator, humor, postaweek, Sports commentator, thoughts 44 Comments »
I’d love to have Harry Caray, but he’s excluded because he is, y’know, dead.(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
As my cash flow from Blurt increases, my spending will increase with it. I plan on being extravagant and wasteful. While some of the purchases I have planned can also be used to promote the blog and make me even richer, all of them are ridiculously excessive.
My latest idea is to have my own announcers. Their job will be to provide commentary on my activities as they happen. Two announcers will be just right because I want them to follow the pattern used in sports announcing – one will do “play by play”, reporting exactly what I’m doing. The play by play announcer’s partner will be the “color commentator”. The color man will discuss how I do the things the play by play reports on.
Play By Play: Oma has pulled into the bagel shop for breakfast again. He rarely misses a day. He’s greeting several patrons. They seem to be discussing something…is it…yes, it’s the weather. Oma’s trying to explain why he left his jacket in the car on a cool morning.
Color: Ha ha ha, they always catch him on that. Oma is especially forgetful this early in the morning.
Play By Play: He’s at the counter to place his order, but look! The order is already prepared when he gets there!
Color: Very exciting, Jim. That’s the kind of thing that happens when you order the same thing every day. You young breakfast eaters at home can learn something from this. Decide what you want and stick with it.
Not everything will be as exciting as my breakfast. Just like sports, my life ebbs and flows. Sometimes there is excitement. Other times, there is a meeting.
Play By Play: Well, Oma seems completely disinterested in this meeting, if you look at his facial expression. If you look at his pen, though, you’ve got to believe he’s fired up about the new concept the boss is pushing. It seems that he is taking a lot of notes.
Color: Or doodling. I spoke to Oma in the locker room before work started today. He said something about having just flushed more knowledge on the topic than this clown will ever have.
Play By Play: You may have something there. Reports from inside the meeting room are that Oma has just doodled a baseball diamond in the margin of his legal pad.
Even though it seems like I am, I’m not always at work. The routine things still have to be done. My announcers wouldn’t miss out on that kind of event either. If they did, well, there are other announcers in the sea.
Play By Play: Oma is reaching for the 48 count box of granola bars. That’s a lot of oats!
Color: Well, fiber is the key to regularity.
Play By Play: Good point, Lyle. That came out easily. You know, the fans have to wonder about the wisdom of Oma showing up at Costco in a Miata. You look at the cart, you look at the car and you think that something doesn’t add up.
Color: The old ten pounds of crap in a five-pound bag…
Play By Play: I’ve never understood why that is an expression.
Color: I don’t either, but it brings us back to fiber and to Oma getting all this stuff into the car – which he always does without straining!
Play By Play: True. And who can forget how he got all the gifts and an apple pie into the little roadster on Christmas Day?
Having announcers will make every part of my day feel exciting and important. The decision on whether tonight’s dinner comes out of the wok or the crock will sound almost life or death-ish. Extravagant? Sure. But with the kind of money I expect to come pouring down on me any time now, extravagant won’t be a problem. I’d even say that extravagance would be expected.
Play By Play: Oma really wrapped up the idea of having us around, didn’t he?
Color: He sure did. A real Shakespeare, that guy is. For sure.
I like this idea. Maybe I need a radio station too.
I think I would be a great color commentator because I love all the background stuff.
A color commentator who sleep walks and makes toast? You’re hired.
The announcers will come in handy when you make videos for your Sunday film series. You can include their commentary, turning each video into a “making of” movie about itself.
Hmmmmm….gonna need a camera crew. Ok, let’s do it.
Hey, is your Friday live-blogging related to this: http://connectedcops.net/2012/12/18/global-police-tweet-a-thon/? I came across an announcement about that from another source right after reading this post.
Ha ha ha…no. I’m not on message enough to have permission to speak (or tweet) at work anymore.
As long as you’re rolling in greenbacks, might I suggest hiring Will Ferrell to play Harry Caray? If you package the deal right, you could get Mr. Ferrell to compliment his Harry Caray with someone else, possibly Ashley Schaeffer from Eastbound and Down or Ron Burgundy if you prefer.
Ferrell’s “hey, look at the guy in the sombrero” was great. That might work for me.
He’ll likely cost you a bit more than the original Caray, but he’s worth it from a versatility standpoint.
Sounds great. Just need to add a background theme song and roll the credits at the end of the blog to give it that professional polished look.
Good idea. I’m going to use Elton John’s “theme from a nonexistent tv series”. I don’t like the music so much, but the title works for me.
While this is an intriguing idea, I can’t help but wonder if your announcers will be rendered obsolete by the hordes of paparazzi following you.
I have that handled. I’m going to hire Justin Bieber to menace paparazzi for me. That kid is circling the drain.
“Oma for three more Doritos at the buzzer… YES!!!”
Perfect timing. The opening four days of the NCAA Tourney will be an excellent opportunity to scout play-by-play/color talent. In the interest of Blurt, I will plan to watch no less than 40 hours of basketball (and included commentary) and then make a recommendation.
Ok. The only commentator I am excluding is Ian Eagle. I’m excluding him because normal people prounce it ee-an, not eye-an. Also,he is not an eagle. Let me know who you recommend.
This is my official request to start a single-file virtual line for the Oma/Blurt Blog IPO. C—€£¥+[*]^{%}#”‘nc@§¢)(;:/•.¿¡’,'”damnit! Where is that copyright symbol on my keyboard?
Ok. Do you want to come with me when I go stand on that little porch in the stock exchange and ring the bell? I’m going to line up our crowd. We’ll do it on a Friday and make a weekend of it.
But along with your announcers, will we have commercials? Cuz I’m going to need a break from all that Oma excitement after all – to use the facilities, get more Doritos, and shampoo my hair.
I feel sorry for you having to do the Taylor Swift gig. Really sorry. I wish she could be arrested and thrown in the slammer for being so full of herself. I’ll be preparing my questions during your commercial breaks.
Sure, commercials and intermissions. I expect that there will be slow periods from about 9 pm – 4:30 am as well.
This is one of your all time best posts ever, by the way!
Well thank you!
A Taylor Swift concert? Nice! I expect a temp job if you ever work a Bieber concert.
He was here a few weeks ago. We both missed that opportunity. I think his next tour will be of strip malls.
Or Dancing with the Stars.
Looking ahead to the weekend: I gather from media reports that Ms. Swift has taken offense to criticism that she’s a tone-deaf serial dater who’s made a career out of trashing her ex-boyfriends in song rather than looking inward and trying to determine if perhaps the problem isn’t them but maybe herself and who’d be nowhere if it weren’t for AutoTune and ProTools. So, as you’re live blogging the concert, please let us know 1) how often she sounds like a cat that’s been caught underneath a rocking chair and a) how many of the songs she sings aren’t about an ex-boyfriend. Thank you. I’ll hang up and listen to your answer on the radio.
No, wait, she’s all about empowerment and a positive message or something.
I know you’re going to be extra-careful in which announcers you hire. After all, some of those guys (can’t remember the names right now) do nothing but yammer. On and on and on. Their “commentary” during college basketball games is the worst — I usually tune ‘em out and listen to the guys’ shoes squeaking on the floor. Or the bands!
The bands, Elwood, THE BANDS!
This is genius and hilarious and *almost* makes me want to watch sports.
Wow, thank you much!
You are in luck. My good friend is the court-side play-by-play announcer for the Sacramento Kings. Looks like he will be out of a job when the Kings move to Seattle. I’ll have him send you his resume.
Cool. I’ll need a list of catch phrases he’d like to use too.
Hey! Thanks for the job offer. I’ll take it…and the car and driver that come with it. Sweet!
Well, you can’t drive and look at your notes. Of course there is a driver.
What’s wrong with a system where no talent, brainless boobs like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift (neither of whom has a singing voice) can make millions, while a life saving genius like Dr. Jonas Salk who did extensive research and discovered the cure for polio never earned more than $100,000 a year?
When you get rich get this system corrected first. I am very close to finding the cure for pink pig nose and I don’t want to have to sell my research findings to a television pawn shop.
Does this mean you don’t want tickets?
can you get me tickets to a Sesami Street concert? I’ve still got my butane lighter from the Doobie Brothers concert.
I heard Taylor Swift is single now, so I suggest not talking to her, and not approaching her closer than 100 feet, if possible. Otherwise you may risk hearing the play-by-play commentary of your life from one of Swift’s break-up songs.
No soup for her.
Unless you use a great deal of snark, I am skipping the TSwift concert day, sorry. Otherwise great idea I am certain you are less boring than most.
Yeah, snark is way out of my range.
Hire me, snark, sarcasm and just plain old mean is way within my range when it comes to certain aspects of the female contingent currently in the public eye. Ms. Swift is one of them.
This is a wonderful idea, Oma. I think you should extend it a little further and also hire “listeners” for you “announcers” to talk to.
I think I have the voice of an announcer: I want in!
I’m like Morgan Freeman, but without the name Morgan Freeman … I don’t know how that happens, but it sometimes does.
note: listening to myself is mesmerizing … that’s why I blog, so people don’t have to do that struff.