I Adopted Manti Te’o's Girlfriend’s Cat
Posted: January 17, 2013 Filed under: Foolishness | Tags: Cat, college football, comedy, Girlfriend, Hoax, humor, Manti Te'o, news 37 Comments »I remember the moment like it was yesterday; it was yesterday. A talking head on ESPN, the text below him parroting the hard truth he was speaking. “Manti Te’o’s girlfriend never existed.” It was the moment I knew I’d been hoaxed.
Mr. Te’o, the best player on a great college football team, became an inspirational figure by playing on in the face of the passing of his grandmother and girlfriend on the same day. So many of us felt for the kid.
Manti Te’o's girlfriend’s cat that is mine now even though I haven’t actually seen him. I named him Ghost, after Te’o's girlfriend. (public domain, wikimedia)
I didn’t know how to help. Then, late one night, it hit me. She probably had a pet that was left behind. It was probably a cat. I’ve never had a cat, but I would have this one and raise it like my own.
I Had A Cat…
After some internet research and a few calls I heard the words I was hoping for from an animal shelter worker: “yeah, we’ve got Manti Te’o’s girlfriend’s cat and you can adopt him. We’ll fly him right out.” It sounded like he said something about a nut job as he hung up, but I can’t be sure.
I waited, but the cat never arrived at my home. Still, I heard he existed and I’d seen pictures of the cat, so it was my cat. I fed him and emptied the litter box. I never quite figured out what breed of cat it was that I had, but he was very tidy, never shed and apparently never had bowel movements.
Oh, the good times I’ve had with that cat over the last few months. You wouldn’t guess that I could have so much fun with an animal I’ve never actually met, but believe me, I did.
…Imagine That.
But now the news is that Te’o and his girlfriend never actually met. According to him, they “met” online. They communicated by phone and chatted on the net, but the meaning of met is a little skewed nowadays, isn’t it? Let’s leave it as they “met” on the net, but they were never in the same place.
Then she “died” and we all had sympathy for the guy. That is sympathy, without quotation marks. We had sympathy for the kid, for the loss of a woman he’d never really met because now he says she never really existed, someone else fabricated her. Alrighty then.
Was he in on the hoax? I don’t know. There are more than a few inconsistencies in the tale.
I just know that I’m stuck with this “cat” I adopted from a woman died though she never lived. I’ve been “feeding” it for a couple of months now even though I’ve never seen it. My suspicions are aroused.
“Way to go, Manti. Play like a champion today.”
For those who need to catch up on this story, here is an animated version from NMA.tv in Taiwan. It makes everything clear. Don’t miss the part at 1:30 – disturbing.
The story about his “girlfriend” is stranger than fiction. I don’t believe a person qualifies as a girlfriend if they’ve never met in the true sense of the word. What is wrong with people. By the way, your “cat” is shedding on your sofa.
Well, I call it my sofa, but I can’t say I’ve actually sat on it.
Absolutely brilliant. Almost perfect. The headline read correctly until the word “cat.” You should have adopted the girlfriend herself. Better luck next time.
I wish I had your imagination.
Thank you, that means a lot.
You’re right. From now on I’m pretending I adopted the girlfriend, and that I insured her.
I think you’re making this up. Not only that, but I’m beginning to suspect you are not a robot cartoon character. All of this just doesn’t add up.
I thought I was a robot, but now I realize I was the victim of someone’s sick joke.
And to think, it was all driven by my desire to have people say “Domo Arrigato, Mr. Roboto” to me.
I don’t know know why anyone would doubt him. He’s a Heisman finalist, from an exotic island, and gets more camera time than the Alabama QB’s girlfriend. Of COURSE he’s dating a girl online like some kind of fat, 7th grade loser. I’m certain that there are no girls in South Bend who wanted anything to do with him. He had to turn to the internet to find true love, then lose it, then find out he never had it at all.
As the dorm poster says, ” If you love something, set it free. If it never comes back, tell your friends it died of leukemia”
Good luck with the cat.
Milk just shot out of my nose. Disturbingly, I’m drinking a really good chocolate porter.
Excellent retort – you sir, are as witty as WP has to offer.
That shelter person missed out on chance to unload a deserving homeless cat or two. Then at least someone would have had a (real!) happy ending.
Oh… unless the shelter wasn’t real? Good grief! I got my dog from Pet Finder, and all these years, I thought she truly existed. Dang!
I saw a shelter one time, I think it loved me.
About your dog, we should talk,
When I think of all the time I’ve wasted, vacuuming up fur…
That video made me cry. You’re a good man, Oma, for taking in that cat. There is a dog across the way (rat dog) who would love to come live with you as well. Shall I send him? Please?
Wasn’t the video…ok, I don’t have words for what it was, but wasn’t it that? I mean, leprechauns giving him a beer enema?
I can’t pretend a rat dog would get along with my cat, Ghost.
Omawarisan, may I ask you if you are able to read my mind? Just yesterday, was writing a post about a conspiracy involving me and my cat, and you even had the same joke I was planning to use. I’ll still post mine eventually, but this was eerie….
I knew you’d ask me that.
No.
My cat conspiracy post has been posted. You can read it if you’d like, but if you are actually reading my mind, then, of course, there is no need for you to do that.
http://armyofawesomepeople.com/2013/01/30/how-my-cat-moxy-became-a-victim-of-a-large-scale-main-stream-media-conspiracy/
I’m kind of disappointed you didn’t use a picture of my cat.
I was going to, but this cat was free range.
The video was disturbing in many ways, especially the part where he decimates the MSU Spartan players on the field (only an alumna would notice that part, I guess).
I had a student tell me that she couldn’t take an exam because her on-line boyfriend had been hospitalized (they also had never met). I’m going to add “My on-line boyfriend has been hospitalized/injured/killed” to my list of excuses to use when calling in sick, even though I am married and no one answers the phone when I call in…
It’s weird that they decided to be accurate about the team they played when his grandmother died.
Maybe there is something to this online thing as an excuse generator. I can appoint myself as a brother to everyone who reads this. Every Friday I’ll post that I’m hospitalized with a different malady. That will get everyone a three day weekend.
YAY!!!
Going simple this week, since I just had the idea. I fell and badly gashed my leg. I’m going to need stitches.
And your on-line nurse girlfriend to help you!!! Thanks. I’m dialing the office now…
Also, you should not be giving these excuses away for free…just sayin’…you may just have a real money-maker on your hands…PayPal set up, excuses with a sliding scale for various maladies…migraine = $5.00, hospitalized = $10.00, death in the family = $50.00
That’s a cool cat. I’ve seen cats like that before. They’re mellow until you get them riled, then the claw the shit out of everything. These are the kind of cats coyotes are afraid of. Raccoons give them a wide berth. Other cats run or die. You’re the proud owner of a killer. Don’t get rid of it. It will probably take revenge.
I heard he killed Te’o's girl.
Probably ate her too.
The Internet gives kids a whole new way of begging for sympathy/forking over excuses, doesn’t it? Used to be, “My dog ate my homework” would suffice. Now we have a whole football team, excited alumni, and thousands of students rallying behind a story of a dead girlfriend who never existed. Sad that something this sick was lapped up by a public eager for a feel-good story. Sadder that it casts a shadow over the entire university.
It is sad for the school and those other kids. We’ve got a ND grad in our office. Great kid, but he has taken so much grief.
You have the best cat in the world! Can I share that cat?
I pretended that I sent you one yesterday. Just be sure to leave a clear spot on a window sill. She seems to like sitting in the window.
She will have to fight Beau and Cleo if she wants the high seat, but there are 40 other window seats she can have.
Everyone on the internet who is finally faced with the terror of meeting someone in person either dies in a sudden accident or contracts a fast moving disease.
By the way, if I die, you are obligated to come to my funeral. No excuses.
I will be there. After all we’ve pretended to go through, it’s the least I can do.
I’ll get up and give a speech too.
I’m allergic to cats & don’t like them much anyway, so if I had to have a cat this would be the kind to have.
That’s good because I just sent you one. It is brown and white, I think.