I Predict The End Of The WorldPosted: December 26, 2012
The Mayans, or the people reading their calendar, were wrong. Wacky fundamentalist Harold Camping? Wrong.
Everyone else who has predicted the end of the world was wrong. I’m wrong a lot, but I’ve never predicted the end of the world. It is only fair that I take my turn. If people who are wrong get to predict the end of the world, I am as qualified as Camping or the Mayans.
So, I’m going to predict the end of the world. Allow me to give you a few things to watch for between now and September 30, 2013, also known as the day the world ends. As these things occur, they will be a signal to us all of my prophecy’s validity.
Signs Of The End Of The World
- A man will look forward to watching a sporting event on television. Before that game begins, the power will go out at his house. He will then choose to go to a bar to see the game. The cab fare home will be $20.13
- Someone will buy a very large bottle of olive oil. Later, they will say they won’t buy that much again because the fear of dropping it and cleaning all that up outweighs the economic benefit of the bulk purchase.
- Against their better judgment, someone will answer the phone even though they do not recognize the number on the caller ID.
In a home, a spoon will fall in the food disposer in the sink. The disposer will be running. The noise the spoon makes will sound like the world is ending, but it won’t be. Not yet.
- An actor will die. You (yes, you) will realize that you knew his face, but never his name.
- An amateur fisherman will reel in his line. The line will have two hooks on it, each will have a fish on it. He will express amazement. Someone else will say “why do you think there are two hooks?”
- A pizza delivery man will arrive at a home. He will have enough cash to make change, but he wont know how to do it.
Did you count how many signs are in my prophecy? Seven. Coincidence? I don’t think so. I know people put a lot of stock in that number. Only a fool would predict the end of the world and not base it on seven things.
Don’t Look At Me Like I’m Some Mayan
Yes, September 30, 2013 is the end of the world. Watch for the signs and believe my prophecy.
You should believe me and start making whatever preparations you feel are appropriate for the apocalypse. Remember, you’re not dealing with some wacky Mayan fundamentalist preacher. The person issuing this end of the world notice is me; I’m a non wacky, non preachy guy, with a poor grip on the fundamentals of life.
Go on, have a little fun. Enjoy yourself. New Years Eve is coming, party like it’s 1999. Then start getting stuff ready for the end. Spread the word. I’m the opposite of the guys who’ve been getting it wrong. I’m so very right. Spread the word with confidence, it’s happening this time.