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A Letter From Fidel Castro To Ozzie Guillen

Ozzie Guillen, manager of the Miami Marlins baseball team, landed in hot water this week for saying in an interview that he loved Cuban leader Fidel Castro because “A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that mother—— is still here”. The Blurt staff, in partnership with the Central Intelligence Agency, was able to intercept a personal letter from Castro to Guillen and we present it here:

Dear Ozzie,

The Cuban leader Fidel Castro. Español: El líd...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks so much for your very kind comments about me. I’m really sorry you’re having a tough time of it because of them. It is nice to say complimentary things about others. You’ve got to be smart about what you say though. Ozzie, bless your heart, you aren’t a smart man.

You are so right, a lot of people have tried to kill me for sixty years, but I’m still here. Who wouldn’t love someone who just keeps hanging in there like I have?

Well, many Cuban-Americans tend to be of a mind not to love someone who just keeps hanging in there like me, if in fact the someone being discussed is me. There are a lot of others who don’t like me, but I think you can rely on Cuban-Americans just not digging me or people who say they do.

So there are exceptions to that hanging in/love situation. You’ve got to keep the exception that is me in mind since you live in Miami now. That is really important.

Freedom, Speech And Knowing Your Audience

You see, Oz, I can pretty much say what I want to over here in Cuba. I can do that because, well, that’s sort of the deal over here. I say things, everyone else takes it. I’m the pitcher and the umpire. I always throw strikes. It has been that way for sixty years or so.

When you’re in the States, you too can say anything you want. You can do that because that’s the deal there. The difference is, everyone else can say what they want to as well. So, where I can speak my mind without consequence, you’ve got to consider the consequence issue.

Of course, I’m not telling you something you haven’t figured out now that you’re down $150,000 for saying you love me when you work in the area of the country with the highest concentration of people who really hate me.

Some Thoughts For The Future

Ozzie, you’ve been suspended for five games. Those five games will pass and you’ll be back to work managing the Miami Marlins. You’ll have to talk. But you are a baseball manager, not a dictator. So you’ll have to think before you speak. Here are a couple of thoughts to run through your mind before you say anything to a reporter:

  • Do I have to say anything? Public relations are part of your job, so you’re going to have to say some stuff. But consider that sometimes you don’t have to say anything. In your case, you probably ought not.
  • Is the question about me? Look, I get that you love me. But I’ll understand if you’re not quite so demonstrative. After all, love is costing you a suspension from work and more income than the average village in my country generates in five years. I’m a sore subject, try not to dwell on me.
  • Is what you’re going to say “colorful”? I hear you described as colorful and outspoken. Sometimes those are good things. Casey Stengel was colorful, the good way. Sometimes colorful and outspoken are code words for being a jerk. Oz, don’t be colorful.
  • Is the question about baseball? You’re a baseball coach, so the only thing you really must speak of is baseball. In fact, there really isn’t a reason for you to speak publicly about anything that isn’t about the game you and I love.

Anyhow, thanks for your support, Ozzie. I really appreciate it.  Have a good season.

Sincerely,

Fidel Castro

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14 Comments on “A Letter From Fidel Castro To Ozzie Guillen”

  1. I’ve never been able to figure out why, if we are now friends with Russia and China we still have to not like Cuba.

  2. I’ve been playing around with variations on the theme “Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true” as a test before saying something. (Hung up on who said it first.) It would seem that Ozzie is not familiar with that concept.

    The Blurt staff works with the CIA? Who’dathunk.

    • omawarisan says:

      Exactly! How is it necessary and what did he gain…besides strike one on his new job?

      The Blurt empire expands constantly, like the Sun, except without its own gravity. Also, Blurt has not been linked to melanoma, yet.

  3. The Jagged Man says:

    Nicely done! I especially liked the line “Oz, don’t be colorful”! When I first heard this story I thought, “Really? Even you Ozzie could not be that dense” but apparently he is. Personally I hope Ozzie stays around for one reason: He makes me feel better about me being me.

  4. “I’m the pitcher and the umpire” = genius

  5. Betty says:

    You made this up, right? The guy didn’t really say that, did he?

  6. Lenore Diane says:

    Interesting spin, Oma. Two things caught me by surprise. 1.) Castro is a smart man. 2.) Cubans say “bless your heart”. I suppose for him to be in power for so long, the smarts shouldn’t be a surprise, but the ‘bless your heart’? Shocked.


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