Damn You, Pumpkin!

Pumpkin,

 

I am a patient man. There are schools of thought that differ from mine. I can accept that. I can find common ground with those who differ, when I see a glimmer of concern from across the breach. I don’t see that from you.

 

Pumpkins at the farm

A bunch of jerks (Image via Wikipedia)

 

You have found the end of my patience. I reached out to you with a piece that urged you to pursue the things you were best suited to succeed in. You turned your back when I came to you. Now, it is on between us.

 

I am a relentless man. I have matched wits in life or death situations with people whose capacities far exceeded yours. People whose head contained more than seed and gook. I didn’t fail in those situations, I wont fail here.

 

I am now boycotting you, even as seasonal decor.

 

Why?

 

When I wrote you before, I spoke respectfully of your talents as fall seasonal decor and ammunition for catapults. I urged you then to get and stay out of food and beverages. My request, and the case to support it, were quite reasonable.

 

It would be wrong of me to say you have been unresponsive. Your response has been, it seems, to redouble your efforts to get in to food.

 

Latte, Beer, And The Last Straw

 

This mugshot is found from http://www.perezhil...

…Live And Learn    (Image via Wikipedia)

 

 

Since I reposted my request for you to get out of food, my Facebook and Twitter accounts have been lousy with references to your annual appearance in a latte at Starbucks.

 

Oh, how unexpected! Imagine Starbucks grabbing on to something perceived as hot and trendy. I’ve never heard of such a thing. Do you know what happens to hot and trendy, Pumpkin? It ends up cool and tossed aside in a used up heap.

 

Doubt me? When’s the last time you saw Paris Hilton? What about Lindsay Lohan? Hot and trendy finds its way to the down hill slide pretty quickly. Sure, Starbucks is all over you now. What happens after that? October is only 31 days long,  Paris Pumpkin.

 

Even he has stooped to using you, Pumpkin. But he moved on with Lemon Zest and Grains of Paradise (image via herblondness.tumblr.com

 

The other day when I was shopping, I thought I’d pick up a six-pack of beer to have on hand. The cooler in the beer aisle is currently loaded with orange packaging. Everywhere I looked, Pumpkin Beer. I thought we agreed – no beer. You have to get your greedy little stem into everything, don’t you?

 

Do you think those brew masters care? No Lindsay Pumpkin, they don’t. Even now, they are moving on, adding other ingredients. They’re preparing for when you’re on your way down while you’re you are on top!

 

And then it happened.  Wednesday morning. The last straw. You know what happened, but let’s review.

 

I went to get my morning bagel. My one simple pleasure at the start of my work day. Breakfast to go. A pretzel bagel. I love pretzel bagels. But I could not have my Pretzel Bagel. You know why. You were there. The shop needed room for their two seasonal bagels – Pumpkin and Pumpkin Crunch.

 

Pumpkin Crunch? That’s redundant, we all know you crunch without assistance.  You are Pumpkin. Pumpkins crunch. You just wanted more attention. Nice job, I’m about to give you that attention.

 

Pumpkin, if you are Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan, Pretzel is Meryl Streep or even Katharine Hepburn. Where you are gauche and flashy, Pretzel is classy and skilled. Pretzel has range and doesn’t exceed it. You don’t replace Hepburn with Hilton. You are no replacement for Pretzel.

 

Boycott

 

You have gone too far this time.

 

I think it was Don Henley who said “I will not go quietly, I will not lie down”. To that, I say, “yeah, what he said”.  I am asking my friends to help teach you a lesson you will never forget.

 

I am now boycotting the thing you are best at. I will not hollow you out, cut a face in you and display you on my porch for Halloween. I am asking my friends to do the same.

 

A cantaloupe at a market.

Pumpkin, meet Snookie (Image via Wikipedia)

 

You’re smug, aren’t you? I’m not even looking and I know that you are. You think you’re the only thing that can be hollowed out, don’t you? Your friend, Paris, thought she was the only empty-headed celebrity drunk in town. And along came Jersey Shore. Now there’s a new empty head that it is trendy for people to watch, Snookie. Paris who?

 

Pumpkin, let me introduce you to your Snookie. The stores are full of them because they are, at least temporarily, deadly. Pumpkin, meet Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe is ready to be hollowed out and made into a top-notch jack-o-lantern. I am going to make one and post it here. I’m going to make a jack-o-lantern out of a pepper and post it here. I’ll post every jack-o-lantern photo that people send me that is made out of something that isn’t you.

 

The net will rise against you.

 

I am a patient man.

 

I am a relentless man.

 

Game over, Pumpkin.

 


62 Comments on “Damn You, Pumpkin!”

  1. My daughter and I took the babies to a kiddie farm where they sold happy farm products. One was pumpkin fudge. Pumpkins are pretty benign, which is how they can be added to anything without much change in the product (like pumpkin facial cream). I’m just happy we don’t have a holiday that celebrates Swiss cheese.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I recently saw pumpkin wine displayed at my local liquor store. It almost made me quit drinking entirely in an effort to teach the booze business a lesson. Almost. Instead, I’m going to follow your advice and fight the deadly Listeria outbreak at the same time. You’re a true humanitarian, Oma.

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you, yes I am.

      I have a picture of Pumpkin Wine that I couldn’t get to look right in the post. I’ll have to try to paste it in to a comment when I get home.

      It is foul looking stuff, isn’t it? It looks like something you’d pour in a leaky car radiator.

  3. Lenore Diane says:

    True story. I think of you every single time I hear someone mention their Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is all the rage. Well, the word rage means something entirely different to those drinking that pumpkin-infused beverage than it does to you.

    The empty head stuff was brilliant: “You think you’re the only thing that can be hollowed out, don’t you? Your friend, Paris, thought she was the only empty-headed celebrity drunk in town…”

  4. AiXeLsyD13 says:

    I have to admit, I also don’t like pumpkin pie, but I do enjoy some pumpkin beers. I absolutely love pumpkin seeds & carving jack-o-lanterns. Ha ha. I love all things Halloween.

    If you want to have a different take on a jack-o-lantern, you can take it back to it’s Irish/Celtic roots by carving a turnip!

    • omawarisan says:

      See, I tried the pumpkin seed thing. Even my mom couldn’t make them taste good to me, and she got me to eat broccoli.

      Thanks for the turnip tip, I’m also thinking of doing a pineapple jack-o-lantern.

  5. AiXeLsyD13 says:

    This looks absolutely ghastly:

  6. planetross says:

    I don’t eat anything that is orange … unless that’s the name of it … or it’s a carrot.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Well after October 31 Pumpkin Spice Lattes give way to Gingerbread Lattes, Peppermint Lattes and you will be able to breathe easier… If something bugs me I just ignore it and eventually it rolls away and goes MUSH or SPLAT.

  8. Kimberly Pugliano says:

    Mmmmmm…pumpkin latte…

    you suck, man

    • omawarisan says:

      What? I will come over there and drink something manly like raspberry hot chocolate. I don’t care.

      Pumpkin is only there to feed your insatiable need for nutmeg. There, I said it. It’s out there.

  9. Happy Candy Corn Month!

    Do you consider yourself more relentlessly patient or patiently relentless?

    Regardless, I am in awe of the masterful way in which you associated Snookie with listeria. Fascinating rhetorical coup.

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you! Happy Candy Corn Month to you too!

      Relentlessly patient.

      Both Snookie and Listeria are both known to cause diarrhea, fever, muscle aches and nausea. It was kind of easy.

  10. Amy says:

    But carving pumpkins gives me such great joy! The slight resistance of the flesh as the kitchen knife slices through to the hollow core. The cold slickness of fistfulls of innards as they are ripped from the cavity. Scraping the walls clean in preparation for the flame that will give my creation life. Muah, ha, ha, ha!
    Ahem.
    The poor orange bastards are butchered by the millions during October every year, you can’t hardly blame them for wanting to branch out into other, slightly less gory, endeavors.

  11. Tony McGurk says:

    Hilarious post Omawarisan. I like pumpkin but I will unlike it to stand with you in solidarity for your cause this month. I really hate Brussel Sprouts so I am wondering if one of them could be hollowed out. I’d love to hack one of the little rotters to death with a carving knife. While I like pumpkin I cannot for the life of me imagine drinking pumpkin coffee or beer. You are right Pumpkin HAS gone TOO far!!!

  12. Todd Pack says:

    I honestly don’t like pumpkins or Halloween. If I didn’t have kids, I’d be one of those guys who turns out the light and leaves the house during Trick-or-Treat. Bah, humbug.

  13. I could care less about Starbucks, but messing with beer is another matter.

  14. Spectra says:

    I have both a turnip and a pepper. I am grabbing my knife as we speak, planning on hallowing the hell out of their little heads… I also have some organic green beans growing in my garden…do ya think? I mean… how would that work?

  15. The Canteloupe – o – lantern is a good idea. But then they will all look like Noriega.

  16. I won’t offer you any pumpkin butter, then. We’ll just leave it at that. I am so sorry about the pretzel bagel. I know that hurt.

  17. Nonstepmom says:

    The evil stepmom in me so loves having the excuse to frighten small children one night a year. Tolerating pumpkin latte (gag) is well worth it for the joy of hiding big fake spiders in the girls backpacks or gum-eye-balls in their lunch.
    Great blog, you crack me up!

  18. Jane says:

    I will get up early, purchase an unsuspecting melon or pepper, order a double, double hot chocolate with a triple, triple topping of whipped cream in a stemmed and handled, glass cup, stick out my pinkie and drink it all down in one gulp.

    Then,

    The knife will rule.

  19. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Bring it, Oma! Go ahead, send in a cantaloupe to do a pumpkin’s job. Yeah, that’ll be a success. Just wait a few hours and watch those cantaloupe innards turn to a stinky mush. A cantaloupe, nicely chilled and sliced, belongs in a bowl – not on the porch greeting scads of costumed children. Do you really plan on leaving poor innocents with the horrifying image of a Jack-o-Loupe? Lives will be ruined. Promising futures will go down the drain. Children will fail their history exams.

    And don’t even try to put cantaloupe into a pie with all those nice spices. The crust will turn on it and eject it into the ether.

    I think I’d kill for a pumpkin bagel. Awesome.

    • omawarisan says:

      It will, especially now that Thomas pointed out to me that a cantaloupe has the same complexion as Noriega did. I’m buying medals!

      If pumpkin is going to do everyone elses job (poorly), then melons are in the game!

  20. Betty says:

    Will this continue to escalate over the next 3 weeks? Do we need to call in someone to talk you down off the ledge?

  21. Blogdramedy says:

    I’m with you, Oma. Pumpkin-free and proud of it!

  22. patty punker says:

    “Pretzel is Meryl Streep or even Katharine Hepburn.” <— this was awesome!

    ya know if starbucks is in the pumpkin biz, you have nothing to worry about. they overcommercialize everything and make it so uncool.

  23. Pie says:

    Pumpkin Latte? It sounds worse than Pumpkin beer! I don’t think they’re selling it in the UK. Let’s hope it stays that way.

  24. I bought my cantaloupe last night to carve. Pics will be headed your way soon.

  25. […] then I told you that I would see to it that you would never again find work as a jack-o-lantern at my house. I followed through on […]

  26. Brooke says:

    I don’t understand the pumpkin craze. I’ve never liked pumpkin pie. Only one pumpkin dessert has been tasty to me and I covered it in Cool Whip. That’s how I roll.
    But I wonder, is it really the presence of pumpkin that makes these novelties yummy? Or is it all the other things that make pumpkin taste better, like sugar and nutmeg and unicorn droppings, that folks are attracted to?

  27. […] you may recall, I proposed putting Pumpkin out of a job by carving jack-o-lanterns out of other fruits and vegetables. As an example, I showed you a […]

  28. Oh my… I love this. I’m so tired of all the pumpkin crap out there. When did this happen? 2-5 years ago? Who started this madness?!


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