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The Final Open Letter To The Woman In Seat 12-A

Dear Woman in Seat 12-A,

I decided to break my letter to you into two parts. I know that you are very busy slap fighting your son and teaching him to play the pipe organ by showing him You Tube videos. It was just simple consideration for another person’s time that led me to split my thoughts between two letters. You’re familiar with being considerate of others, right? Wait, scratch that last question. I almost forgot who I was talking to.

Just like the last letter, I am going to use this one to suggest some You Tube videos you might want to find and look over. You seem to understand things when they are presented to you in the online video format. Given that I took an elbow in the side of the head during your inflight slap fight with your son, 12-B, I have no qualms about throwing out a few thoughts based on observations I made of your behavior and your son’s.

Cranapple

The first video I think you should go find is called “how to drink Cranapple juice”.

George Washington Carver

"Damn woman, lay off the nuts." - George Washington Carver (Image via Wikipedia)

I’ll explain in just a moment why you might want an instructional video on drinking .

Before I do, I thought I’d just point out how much people appreciate it when you say please and thank you. You may be impressed that you can get a whole can of juice on the plane by demanding it from the Flight Attendant, but no one else is. Would it have killed you to say please? And after one acquires a pile of snack bags of peanuts so large even George Washington Carver would say you’re a little too obsessed with peanuts, it is certainly appropriate to thank the Flight Attendant.

Once you and 12-B had your full cans of juice it got ugly. Let me review what I watched him do with his Cranapple juice, step by step:

  1. pour juice into cup of ice
  2. lift the cup and take a mouthful of juice
  3. hold the juice without swallowing it
  4. swish it around in his mouth
  5. spit half the mouthful back into the cup and swallow what is left in his mouth
  6. repeat, until the can is empty

Ma’am, I don’t live with 12-B, you do. He is 17 years old. You can’t convince me that you’ve never seen him do this, he did it in front of a complete stranger. You really should do something about it. You should have done something a long time ago.

I’m pretty sure that Cranapple is the juice of choice for organists. If it were not, you probably wouldn’t have ordered it for him. But I question whether such a well developed yet repulsive drinking regime will be accepted by his peers over at the cathedral? Now might be a good time to get on You Tube and find a video that shows him how most polite humans consume liquid.

The F-bomb

12-A, I’m not going to judge you because you happen to drop the f-bomb now and again. I too let the big bad word fly now and again. I am judging you because you don’t know when to stop and because your constant use of the word makes your attempts to appear a pious church woman look very silly. My last suggestion is that you find a You Tube video to instruct you on the proper use of the bad, bad word.

F-Bomb

The mighty f-bomb is useful when it isn't overused (Image by techsavvyed via Flickr)

Ma’am, what you f-ing seem unable to under f-ing stand is that when you pepper every f-ing sentence with the f-word it makes you look like a classless f–k.  What the f–k do you think you accomplish by saying it all the time? I hope when you find the video it will also make a f-ing strong effort at letting you know when you f-ing drop the f-ing f-bomb too f-ing much it begins to lose its explosive power.

Lastly, it sounded ridiculous when you prayed aloud after our flight landed, thanking Jesus for getting us safely home. The prayer itself wasn’t a problem, it was when you followed it up with the declaration that you “can not wait to get off this m-f’er”. Very classy.

12-A, you and your son were wonderful travel partners. I will always fondly remember our last exchange on the plane:

12-B: Momma, why isn’t he getting off the plane?

You: I don’t know, I’m ’bout ready to get off the m-f-ing plane.

Me: You two know I can hear you, don’t you?

You: (shocked stare)

Me: Where should I go?

You and 12-B : (Blank Stare)

Me: Maybe I should climb over all these people in front of us?

You and 12-B: (Blank Stare)

Me: Good luck with the pipe organ

12-B: How do you know I play the organ?

Me: You do remember I can hear, right?

12-B: (Blank stare)

Ma’am, the plane door wasn’t even open. No one was moving. With all due respect, you have not exactly raised an engineer, have you?

Sincerely,

12-C

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37 Comments on “The Final Open Letter To The Woman In Seat 12-A”

  1. It’s hilarious and yet so disturbing! This creature is raising — well, perhaps that’s too strong a word — is delivering the world a future voter. The world is a big place, room enough to allow cretins like these to live among us. But no one should have to put up with them in a place where you can’t escape, ignore them, or kill them.

  2. I feel for you! What a dreadful woman. That is worse than anything that has happened to me on planes, and I don’t even fly any more if I can possibly avoid it. Has this experience changed your mind about flying?

    • omawarisan says:

      I still like to fly, mostly because I rarely fly on business. Flying = getting where I’m going sooner.

      I think I got all my bad flying experiences compressed into this one flight. They were amazing.

      Whiter Shade Of Pale came up on my i-pod this morning. Love that song. When the organ part came on it cracked me up. I am now the only person to have laughed at that song.

  3. Elly Lou says:

    Further proof I don’t want to fly anywhere. But full disclosure, I occasionally suffer from 12b’s affliction of not realizing people can hear me. That’s why I’m not allowed to drive convertibles anymore.

    • omawarisan says:

      I had to let fly on him on that because that was the second time he did it.

      When I got on the plane I got out my notebook and started drafting a post. He was trying so hard to read what I was writing and I kept making my handwriting worse and worse. Finally he looks at his mother and says “what’s he writing?”

      Then I decided to start drafting these posts. The only thing he could read in my notebook was his seat number and his mom’s…scribble, scribble….12-B….scribble…12-A…scribble, exclamation point.

  4. madtante says:

    I’ve said for years that if I heard somebody talking as I do in a shop, I’d say, “hoosier” (local epithet for déclassé person). I’ve been swearing like this since I was a small child. Even super-duper (real) religious people don’t notice I do it … after a while. It’s like Tourrettes. I can’t help it–I’ve tried REALLY, FING HARD. :)

    But seriously, I swear a lot. My shink says it’s a healthy way of letting off steam. That bitch needed to swear more to avoid slapping the hell out of people. :)

  5. Howling with laughter Oma. You have my sincere condolences for having to endure 12-A and 12-B.

  6. Good for you for saying that!

    That sounds like the most awful flight ever. You deserve an award.

  7. Lenore Diane says:

    No words – just shaking my head.

  8. Laura says:

    That was f-ing hilarious.

    Those two have probably never been on a plane before. Or, you know, out in public.

    • omawarisan says:

      And this is way less than I could have done. I left out the discussion of not acting ignorant when someone is spending money on you and all the stuff about twitter.

  9. Blogdramedy says:

    I’d fly with you anytime…you’re my kind of in-flight movie. :-)

    • omawarisan says:

      One of my kidney list friends recently sent me a message implying that I draw these people to me like a magnet. She has been watching for a while, I think she may be right.

      In the space of a few days I will find someone who makes my head spin like I’m Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Hop on a plane and come on!

  10. Kim Pugliano says:

    I don’t understand the part about the swish and spit. That’s not normal?

    • omawarisan says:

      It is if you’re swigging Listerine. I’ve got to hand it to the kid, he is consistent in his strangeness. He drank the entire can like that.

      You are commenter 10,048!

  11. Amy says:

    Give one of them a crying baby and make another one drunk and they would be like every bad airplane row-mate rolled into one (or two, as it were).
    “How do you know I play the organ.” You just blew the kid’s mind! You are like Sherlock Holmes to him.

  12. Dear Mr. Oma (or whatever the f you f-ing call yerself).:

    I am the woman who you f-ing call the woman in 12-A and I don’t f-ing appreciate you f-ing telling the f-ing world about what you think of my f-ing parenting skills and general f-ing demeanour as a f-ing airline passenger.

    For your f-ing infor f-ing mation, my son, (whose f-ing name is Crispin, not f-ing 12 B) is a sensitive f-ing genius and his psychiatrist and my wiccan orthomolecular stellar advisor urgently f-ing advised us not to fly because the experience would expose him to people like you, who don’t f-ing appreciate his total f-ing uniqueness and potential to be the greatest f-ing human being on this f-ing planet. I f-ing tell him that every f-ing morning while we mediate at the shrine I have erected in his honour in our basement.

    I don’t f-ing understand why people like you don’t appreciate Crispin’s fundamental uniqueness and the totality of his goodness and the fact that he is a f-ing huge asset to the human race. He knows it, I know it, and you should f-ing know it. As far as I’m f-ing concerned, he can drink his f-ing cranapple juice any f-ing way he wants and you better f-ing get used to it because when he is as famous as he is f-ing going to be, everyone is going to be drinking their f-ing juice like him. Because they want to be like him, you see.

    As far as you not getting off the plane, you’re right. I didn’t raise an engineer–I’ve raised the greatest gift ever to f-ing humanity and he is used to having things done his way in his time. You should have been more f-ing sensitive to this. I’ve written another letter to the f-ing airline which outlines all the ways in which they failed to meet Crispin’s unique needs and wants on that f-ing flight. And believe me, Jack, sitting your f-ing butt next to us is right at the top of the f-ing list.

    I just wanted to clear the f-ing air and let the world know that you are one of those people who thinks its’ all about them and the world should f-ing accomodate them, when in reality you should be f-ing humbled by being able to sit by someone like Crispin.

    F-ing A,

    Amanda Schitt-Heyd (Mrs.)

    • omawarisan says:

      Dear Mrs. Schitt-Heyd,

      I looked into Crispin’s soul. It was empty. Empty except for the recurring dream of a pipe organ falling on you. Give the boy a break, he needs to be free of the apron strings.

      Love,

      12-c

      • Dear Mr. Oma–

        I usually don’t get chatty with relative strangers, but, hell, we’re old travel buddies. And you did sign your note “love” which is something that I don’t get a lot of. Yeah, Crispin’s told me about the pipe organ dream. Our analyst says it’s very Freudian. Did you pick up on that?

        Just wondering.

        Ta,

        Mandy

  13. spencercourt says:

    Devo was right…society is devolving!

  14. gmom says:

    Sounds hilarious.
    I love me some crazy people. Makes life so much more interesting.

  15. Queen says:

    i admire your ability to find humor in this. i, too, draw people like this to me like i’m an effin’ magnet. usually, i will tell such stories to friends, and they find them amusing…not at all in the way i am presenting the stories.

  16. Queen says:

    oh right. i’m thinking you should randomly post little gems from your flight that you did not tell us. the twitter rant should be highly amusing.

  17. KathiD says:

    You do draw these people to you, I’m sure of it. The Universe is hoping they will learn something from you.

    The Universe is a f-ing sucker.

  18. Pie says:

    OMFG! Those people really are vile.

    “Ma’am, the plane door wasn’t even open. No one was moving. With all due respect, you have not exactly raised an engineer, have you?” I think this comment is even better than the one in your previous post.

    You wondered how, even though you were sitting next to them, they could talk about you like you were not there, or deaf. Here’s what I think: these people are so disconnected that they probably thought they were siting at home in front of the TV. And perhaps that’s why they feel free to have a mutherf*****g fight slap on a mutherf*****g plane. Between you and Samuel L Jackson, order could’ve been restored.

    On the upside, I learned something about George Washington Carver today, thanks to Wikipedia. What a mutherf*****g great man.


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