My Audition For Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (Part 1)
Posted: July 18, 2011 Filed under: Whats left | Tags: Audition, Game show, games, humor, life, miscellaneous, New York, New York City, postaweek2011, television, twitter, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 38 Comments »
Obviously the answer is me. (Image via Wikipedia)
Last week I mentioned to those of you who follow me on Twitter that I was trying out for the game show “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” Since this tale would be several hundred tweets long, I’ll fill you in here.
My head is full of useless things. I know scraps of information about a lot of stuff. I don’t know enough about any of that stuff to actually be productive, unless you define productivity as being able to administer some truly medieval beatings to people in trivia contests. My head is so full of these scraps that I have no room for things that are important – things like mathematics and people’s names.
I was driving home from work about a week ago and happened by the location where auditions were going to be held. A sign gave the date and times. I was off that day. I realized that this was my opportunity to make something out of the scraps of nothing in my head. I filled out the application form I found on-line. I signed that I agreed to pay my way to New York if I were selected to be on the show and went to bed early the night before the audition.
The audition site was ten minutes from my house. I’m a prompt guy so I aimed to arrive half an hour early.
The Early Bird Gets…
Who needs this pressure? I am a man with options. (Image via Wikipedia)
As I drove, my mind started working on me…this is an audition, I don’t audition for stuff. I don’t even know how to act for an audition. I’ll bet I was I supposed to dress up, because I didn’t. No, maybe it was better to dress nicely, yet comfortably, so I’d be ready for anything. Ready for anything? What am I thinking? It is a try out for a quiz show, they aren’t going to be swinging boards with rusty nails at my head. What if I made it and did something really dumb? What if I lost on the first question? This is foolish, I should go home and watch Tom and Jerry.
The obvious solution was to stop and grab some breakfast to settle down. It worked and I still arrived thirty minutes early. I arrived thirty minutes early and found at least 500 people in line already. I later learned that the people in the front of the line had been there since 8 p.m, eleven hours ahead of the audition time.
Five hundred people. Things looked bad. The early bird gets the end of the long, long line.
I Make Good Use Of My Time
Given that I was way back in line, I had to do something to convince myself this was not an exercise in futility. The solution was obvious. I started eliminating people. I’m sure there would have been objections if I’d gone and started removing people from the line based on my assessments. The next best thing was to eliminate them in my mind as people who had a chance against the game show juggernaut that I was destined to be.
I eliminated a lot of people who did not seem to have their forms filled out. Many of them were unaware there was even a form. If you don’t do enough research to know there’s a form, you can’t beat me. Dismissed.
Neck tattoo woman. Dismissed.
Guy told us all that he’d be putting his high-priced education to work. Dismissed.
Blue camouflage bandanna guy. Dismissed.
Capri pants dude. Dismissed.
Eighteen, too young to accumulate enough junk in your head. Fake fingernails, don’t waste my time. Spilled coffee on himself, how unfortunate.
Dismissed, dismissed, dismissed. Apparently auditions magnify my ability to be judgemental.
And then the line started moving.
So! What happened??? Did you make it? I’ll be your coach……Keep in mind that the answer to one of the questions you will be asked is: Nathan Hale.
Hey, you’ve been the coach this long, keep going. I’ll get you a new sweatsuit.
Nathan Hale is always the answer, isn’t he? Do you think that’s why I had trouble in math?
So I didn’t even realize this show was still around. Regardless, I’m waiting in anticipation for the continuation of this story! Who else will go home? Will Oma make it? Tune in next post to find out…
It is on as a syndicated show. I will take money from a syndicate or a network, either one.
WELL?
Well, the line started moving and I stayed in my place, because it would be rude to do otherwise!
“Apparently auditions magnify my ability to be judgmental.” If that is the case, I shall never audition for anything. I’m judgmental enough ‘as-is’.
You do not have room in your head for mathematics? I like you even more, Oma!
Can’t wait to hear the rest of the story.
Yes, auditions bring out the survival level judgement. It is powerful stuff, this judge or flight thing.
you and your sneaky cliffhangers. eagerly awaiting the next instalment!
Anticipation is good sometimes, right?
Good luck! I’d volunteer to be your phone-a-friend friend, but I don’t think I could handle the pressure. Also, I don’t actually know anything. But other than that, I’d be a great choice.
They dropped that possibility, but I’m thinking about a list – just in case.
We get the English version of that show down here. I’m not sure what sort of selection algorithm they use but it doesn’t seem to include intellect or appearance but rather a cute plan for spending the million bucks.
I’m going on the combination of mild intellect, a propensity for dangerous behavior and splitting the money between my son’s education and my retirement.
-and your cute plan to buy a weinermobile!
Being judgemental is key to becoming a contestant…you gotta get that ego working for you! In fact, I’d crank it up a notch. You are, after all, Omawarisan.
I thought if just coming out and telling her I was Omawarisan, but I didnt want the other people auditioning to riot.
Oh the suspense!!
It was Kismet that you drove by and saw that sign!
I can’t wait to find out what happens!
It was Kismet, wasn’t it? I took the long way home my first day back from vacation
I’ve got to think this is going in a positive direction……
yeah…ish!
Oh, I’ll be back, oh, yeah! I can’t wait to hear the part about how you went unnoticed injecting dozens of your competition with a throat paralyzing drug and surreptitiously shooting poison darts at others. You, man who has tortured the dry cleaning, singing doofus, are not one to toy with.
I drew pictures of the Capri Pants Guy and hung them at the front door. I was all in his head.
Can’t wait to see you on TV! Can’t wait to tell someone that I have actually communicated with a millionaire.
Now that you mention it, I can’t wait for that either.
How exciting, I’m just impressed that you filled out your form and showed up–you only have 10% left to go.
Ideally, it was scored like the SAT, because I am good at spelling my name.
I need to know more!
This is sooo exciting! I love how you dismissed people.
Gotta dismiss people in these situations. It increases your odds, if only in your mind.
I don’t know how this turns out, but it’s gonna be so unfair if you were on Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.
P.S. Just the phrase “Capris pants dude” made me chortle.
What is the deal with those guys? All the sudden I am seeing them. Is there some sort of Mary Tyler Moore revival going on?
i thought that show finished years ago. hilarious blog!!
Thank you!
Ideally it ends when I win a million and they say, “damn, that was the last of our cash.”
“My head is so full of these scraps that I have no room for things that are important – things like mathematics and people’s names.” This is sooo me! If I had a nickel for every person who told me that I would be their “phone a friend” person, I would have at least a couple bucks.
I think your process of elimination could be construed as “profiling.” How very un-PC of you.
I wish they’d put the phone a friend back in. I want to call someone and tell them a joke.
And I thought they did auditions online. That show needs to get into the 21st century.
Unfortunately, if you make it, I won’t be able to see you on the show unless it is on one of the “free” networks. All I get is “limited” cable: 22 mostly BS channels but I need that for cable Internet service from Comcast.
“Millionaire” is good for the money. But for bragging rights, it’s Jeopardy. Our mailman won something like $30,000 on Jeopardy a few years back.
Oh it is on free tv.
I’d probably have to wear a tie to go on Jeopardy. Not good.
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