RevengePosted: June 22, 2011
Today, here on the internet for all to see, I am going to say something that no parent should ever say about their child: I am going to get him. I am going to even the score with him. There will be no escape from my revenge.
Now that I have lobbed that out there, let me move on to explain myself.
Being A Parent Is Dirty Work
No one who is realistic about raising a child goes into it thinking their life is going to be spent in a happy, well rested bliss that smells like baby powder. That realistic thought is brought into greater focus when parents bring a baby home. They find themselves thrown up on and grinding dropped Cheerios into the carpet. Changing diapers is no picnic, especially for parents of little boys who forget to protect themselves from friendly fire.
I’m no different than any one else in my shoes. I dealt with those things with a smile. I even restrained myself from yelling out when I stepped on a stray Lego in the dark. As painful as anyone who has done it will tell you stepping on a Lego is, that is not the cause for me seeking retribution.
The CRV toted my son to t-ball and soccer games. It has hauled tubas, trombones and drums. It has been along on beach vacations, driver’s tests, and to the prom. With all the age and miles it has on it, the car keeps on ticking. Best of all, it has been paid for ten years. All these factors make this one particular Honda the greatest car ever constructed.
Like any car that has hauled young kids, it has had things spilled in the back seat. I talked to him about trying to avoid that where he could when he was little. As my son got older, I put him in charge of getting whatever he brought into the car to snack on back out of the car when we got home. The results were less than perfect. Still, he was my son, he was young, and that bought a lot of forgiveness.
Then Came Last Week
Last week, I made a horrifying discovery that changed me. In the moment I made this discovery, I transformed from a benevolent parent to a vengeful one.
In the back seat of this car, there are cup holders built into the doors. They flip open to accommodate a drink. I flipped one open and saw something horrible. I turned away, repulsed by the sight, then looked back to confirm what I’d seen.
There, crumbled and stuffed into the cup holder of the car was a plastic tube, the kind that yogurt comes in for young kids. A Scooby-Doo yogurt tube. Strawberry. My son loved those yogurt tubes when he was little. Since I have no way of knowing exactly when that tube was emptied and then stored in the car, I had it Carbon-14 dated by scientists at a local university. I’m told that their best estimate is that this tube, and the dregs of yogurty goodness it still contains, was stuffed into its back door hiding place in 2000 or 2001.
The sight of that ten-year old Scooby-Doo yogurt has left me with an all-consuming desire to avenge this wrong. Yes, it is undeniably silly to seek retribution on an adult for something he did when he was seven years old. Perhaps that is why I’m going to do it.
I Will Not Be Denied
I am getting older. I’m sure that will make it easy to even the score as he gets older and begins to get nice things.
One day, I will go to visit him. He will pick me up in his car. When he takes me back home, he will find some M&Ms that “fell out of my pocket”. They will have fallen into odd places in his car. How did they get there, and why would I have loose M&Ms in my pocket anyhow? I don’t know. I’m an old man.
Time after time this will happen. Cheerios. Raisins. Half consumed cans of Ensure. A tissue. How does this happen? I don’t know, it’s like…a mystery! Do you know, son of mine who I still love more than anything, who is really good at solving mysteries? Scooby Doo and the rest of the gang. Maybe you should give them a call.
Actually, I could save you a call. I happen to know right where Scooby is at this very moment. He’s in the back of a red Honda.
Thank you for being a great guy and this being the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Summer school is almost over and you’ll get a well earned break from the University. Come on home, I’ll stock up on yogurt tubes. But I am going to get you.