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Revenge

Today, here on the internet for all to see, I am going to say something that no parent should ever say about their child: I am going to get him. I am going to even the score with him. There will be no escape from my revenge.

Now that I have lobbed that out there, let me move on to explain myself.

Being A Parent Is Dirty Work

Lego Brick

Ever stepped on one? I don't recommend it (Image via Wikipedia)

No one who is realistic about raising a child goes into it thinking their life is going to be spent in a happy, well rested bliss that smells like baby powder. That realistic thought is brought into greater focus when parents bring a baby home. They find themselves thrown up on and grinding dropped Cheerios into the carpet. Changing diapers is no picnic, especially for parents of little boys who forget to protect themselves from friendly fire.

I’m no different than any one else in my shoes. I dealt with those things with a smile. I even restrained myself from yelling out when I stepped on a stray Lego in the dark. As painful as anyone who has done it will tell you stepping on a Lego is, that is not the cause for me seeking retribution.

The Car

I have a 1999 Honda CRV. That car is a workhorse and has been a big part of my son’s life.

The CRV toted my son to t-ball and soccer games. It has hauled tubas, trombones and drums. It has been along on beach vacations, driver’s tests, and to the prom. With all the age and miles it has on it, the car keeps on ticking. Best of all, it has been paid for ten years. All these factors make this one particular Honda the greatest car ever constructed.

Like any car that has hauled young kids, it has had things spilled in the back seat. I talked to him about trying to avoid that where he could when he was little. As my son got older, I put him in charge of getting whatever he brought into the car to snack on back out of the car when we got home. The results were less than perfect. Still, he was my son, he was young, and that bought a lot of forgiveness.

Then Came Last Week

Last week, I made a horrifying discovery that changed me. In the moment I made this discovery, I transformed from a benevolent parent to a vengeful one.

In the back seat of this car, there are cup holders built into the doors. They flip open to accommodate a drink. I flipped one open and saw something horrible. I turned away, repulsed by the sight, then looked back to confirm what I’d seen.

Ruh roh. Ten year old yogurt (image via namecaller.wordpress.com)

There, crumbled and stuffed into the cup holder of the car was a plastic tube, the kind that yogurt comes in for young kids. A Scooby-Doo yogurt tube. Strawberry. My son loved those yogurt tubes when he was little. Since I have no way of knowing exactly when that tube was emptied and then stored in the car, I had it Carbon-14 dated by scientists at a local university. I’m told that their best estimate is that this tube, and the dregs of yogurty goodness it still contains, was stuffed into its back door hiding place in 2000 or 2001.

The sight of that ten-year old Scooby-Doo yogurt has left me with an all-consuming desire to avenge this wrong. Yes, it is undeniably silly to seek retribution on an adult for something he did when he was seven years old. Perhaps that is why I’m going to do it.

I Will Not Be Denied

I am getting older. I’m sure that will make it easy to even the score as he gets older and begins to get nice things.

Scooby-Doo

If they're looking up what happens to yogurt over ten hot summers, I can tell them (Image via Wikipedia)

One day, I will go to visit him. He will pick me up in his car. When he takes me back home, he will find some M&Ms that “fell out of my pocket”. They will have fallen into odd places in his car. How did they get there, and why would I have loose M&Ms in my pocket anyhow? I don’t know. I’m an old man.

Time after time this will happen. Cheerios. Raisins. Half consumed cans of Ensure. A tissue. How does this happen? I don’t know, it’s like…a mystery! Do you know, son of mine who I still love more than anything, who is really good at solving mysteries? Scooby Doo and the rest of the gang. Maybe you should give them a call.

Actually, I could save you a call. I happen to know right where Scooby is at this very moment. He’s in the back of a red Honda.

Thank you for being a great guy and this being the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Summer school is almost over and you’ll get a well earned break from the University. Come on home, I’ll stock up on yogurt tubes. But I am going to get you.

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61 Comments on “Revenge”

  1. I have soooo much to say.
    1. Ewwww…old yogurt. Did it stink?
    2. I’ve stepped on many Lego pieces. Stupid brother….
    3. Friendly fire? I better have a baby girl.
    4. Don’t use M&Ms. The candy shell keeps them from melting in the car. To make an appropriate mess, maybe bite them in half so the chocolate can ooze out when it melts.

    • omawarisan says:

      1. No stink. At least not anymore. Ten-twelve years ago, I think there was a lot of “what’s that smell” going on.
      2. There is no pain like a lego in your arch, is there?
      3. Oh yeah. Friendly fire. Youve got to keep the old diaper in front of them until youre ready to make the swap. And they laugh when they do it too.
      4. Ooze. Yes. Ooze

  2. It was a present; you should be happy. Isn’t it your fault for taking so long to find your present?

  3. gmom says:

    This is just a shot in the dark but I’m guessing you are not big on cleaning your car. Come on! 2001 and it’s the first time you have been in the back seat??? That just gross! You can’t fault the kid Omawarison, sorry but uh uh. This is all you.

    • omawarisan says:

      But he hid it! It never occurred to me that cupholders needed to have their trash taken out. The rest of the car is tidy.

      Wait, I was raised better than to debate g-moms.

      Yes ma’am.

  4. Amy says:

    This was incredibly sweet and kinda psychotic at the same time. I like it!

  5. planetross says:

    I found a raisin in my van once, but I’m pretty sure nobody ever ate raisins in it.
    … some people have eaten grapes, but no raisins.
    It’s a mystery.

  6. Todd Pack says:

    We’ve all been there, Oma. One summer years ago, when we lived in Florida, our then-3-year-old spilled milk in the backseat and didn’t tell us about it. We found out about a few hours later when we got in the car again a few hours later. Did I mention it was milk, in a car, with the windows rolled up, in the summer, in the middle of Florida, where it was about 100 degrees outside and even hotter inside the car?

  7. jacquelincangro says:

    I’m glad that you’re going for the eye-for-an-eye retribution style. But maybe you should take it up a notch. The M&Ms and Ensure are child’s play. Maybe when he brings his laundry home you could slip in one of his old crayons in the dryer. Oops – how did that get in there?

  8. savanvleck says:

    (Light bulb goes on over characters head!) Okay, now I realize why my mother drips kleenex all over my car. Sucks!

  9. Kim Pugliano says:

    Again, there I go reading other comments. Just when I was about to suggest crayons Jacquelincangro goes and ups the ante by suggesting crayons in the DRYER. Seriously though, one of my classmates left a green crayon in the little pull handle thing on the car door in my mom’s Audi 5000s circa whatever year it was when I was in the 4th grade (please don’t make me calculate that – maybe Omawarison can since he’s still in school mode. I’m 40 now, so…). Anywho, that crayon probably still remains in the car today, being driven by whoever was lucky enough to purchase said car from one of those used car lots run by some guy who lives in a trailer in the parking lot.

    OR, you can just borrow my dog for like a week. Have you ever tried vacuuming dog hair out of the seats and carpet of a car? Virtually impossible.

  10. Jeane says:

    I now see where the term Crazy love came from! That is awesome, sweet and so perfectly parental mean…I love it. It is kind of fun when our kids grow and we can get them back…just a little…hmmm…maybe a lot.

  11. betty says:

    Tubed yogurt? I think I’m more repulsed by the fact that there is such a product than by the age of it.

  12. my0wneyes says:

    LMAO…it is amazing how they find little places to cram stuff that should not be crammable…My girls like to leave banana peels in the back seat so when I do my weekly vaacum I fine little black pieces of peel…that looks very much like poop because of the way they toss it. One day they will understand. Thanks for making me laugh today

    • omawarisan says:

      Welcome, and thanks for backing me up. They think of places you wouldnt think of to look. Little kids would be great smugglers if they werent inherently good.

  13. I’m thinking this is one case where revenge will not be served cold.

    Since we’re sharing dark parenting revenge secrets, my son refused to sleep as a baby. A couple of hours at a clip, max. That gave me a lot of dark moments to plan, plot, devise, if you will. I knew that someday he would be a teenager and that teenagers love to sleep.

    Eventually the day came. It was a beautiful summer day. The first day of summer vacation as I recall. Five in the morning. Quietly, I crept to his door. Quietly, I opened it and stepped inside. Then not so quietly, I started wailing at the top of my lungs, “I’M HUNGRY, WAAAAHHH, FEED MEEEEEEE! WHY ARE YOU SLEEEEPING? I’M HUNGRY!!!!!!”

  14. madtante says:

    Recommend: tissues stuffed in pockets of clothing for him to wash…it gets everywhere. Mum does that to me. Big difference? I took care of the family wash/ home as a child (3-15), so she can’t claim it’s payback (not on me, anyway).

  15. Pie says:

    I like Kim’s idea of borrowing her dog for a week to put in Omawarison’s car. Or maybe you can borrow a dog from elsewhere. Just make sure it’s long haired – and wet.

  16. Binky says:

    Apples and oranges decay very nicely over time, but nothing can beat rotting earthworms left over from a fishing trip. Not that I’m giving you any ideas.

    • omawarisan says:

      That’s pretty bad, but I think that would get me put in a rest home pretty early.

      Dad, why are there worms in my car?

      I don’t know, they must have fallen out of my pocket.

      Yeah, pack your stuff old man.

  17. pattypunker says:

    used gum under the car door handle is particularly skeevy.

    and yes, you are so blessed that this is THE thing you feel you should wrought punishment for. i have no idea if wrought is proper grammar. or why im using old english. oh yeah, maybe cuz you’re an old man doing the wreaking. i’m making it worse, aren’t i?

  18. I’m collecting all of these ideas to use on my coworkers. Thank you, Oma Blog Readers. You are all proving to be quite useful. And funny.

  19. [...] The email she sent me today had me crying with laughter – I’m still crying. After reading today’s Blurt, I fear that revenge is on the horizon for me. If so, I can take it because the housecleaner [...]

  20. Katybeth says:

    I think you need to ask yourself, “What would Scooby do?”

  21. Jane says:

    Such creative vengefulness! Such passive-aggressive thinking! Such intolerance of the human condition!

    Love you guys!

  22. Omawarison says:

    Yeah I remember that right after we got in the car after getting smoothies too…Haha. I remember seeing that yogurt before you found it and thinking “I need to get that before he sees it.” I never did.

  23. Blogdramedy says:

    Revenge…sometimes it’s all a parent has. :-)

  24. I think you should leave it to karma, Oma…maybe some day, your son will have a son that will leave something equally disgusting in his car! Things always come back around…

    Wendy

  25. Skatha says:

    What about gummie bears?

  26. Harold says:

    I have 6 kids, the oldest just graduated college, revenge factor to the 6th power! ;)

  27. kadjiann says:

    during my pregnancy my car got totaled so I had to go from sporty car to mommy car…. I decided when I bought it my daughter would get it when she turned 16 and I would get a new fancy thing. After reading this blog, the car will definitely be hers. Anything gross things like that in the back-seat will be her problem then.

    haha, I am in total support of your revenge! Good luck!!!

  28. rebeccasretreat says:

    I hope my mother doesn’t have the same mindset as you… As hilarious as that would be! She told me a story from when I was younger, about 6/7 years old (I’m now 19), and how I’d got hold of a nail and scratched my name into her then Toyota. She says she was proud I’d managed to spell my name properly, but obviously… Furious. Now looking back, that time when she caught my fingers in her car boot by accident… Accident? This is something I look forward to in the far future… Getting revenge on my own kids for leaving that particular McDonalds chip lodged between my cars seats. Brilliant post!

  29. I have four grandchildren and just spent the summer with them…I am amazed at the little things that make it into the couch cushions, the recesses of the pickup bench seat, behind the bed, in the dirty clothes basket and in shoes in the closet…it took me back to those days when I am holding up a Toy Story character that I have just pulled out of bathroom cabinet…”Really? Not one of you know how it got there?”…

  30. Lindsey says:

    I have a 1999 CRV that I just bought. It is my dream car, and I hope I will have it for years. I am glad to hear you still love yours.


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