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The Policies Of My Administration: Fanny Packs

Ready for mushrooms

No. (Image by hallenberg via Flickr)

It has been a while since I have announced a new policy of my administration.

This is not because my staff has not been busy preparing for my eventual take over. I think we all know that I take the responsibility of controlling the earth very seriously. I drive my staff to make sure the correct policies are in place on the important issues before I start running the show. I’m very proud of how they have put my thoughts into policy; I think you’ll see why I will be giving them the weekend off as a reward.

This month’s policy concerns the very touchy issue of the bags commonly known as fanny packs.

Everything Has Its Place

green

No. (Image by Malingering via Flickr)

The Free Dictionary defines fanny pack as “A waist pack, especially as worn with the pouch over the buttocks”. My administration believes that this item was originally conceived as a small pack for people on a brief hike or stroll.

A few years later, the fanny pack got popular. People who were not hikers began wearing them, often to carry things that they previously had no need to carry. The use of the fanny pack evolved further. These non-hiker types decided that the best place to wear them was not with “the pouch over the buttocks”, but rather on the front of their body.

The wearing of a fanny pack, especially in the front, has become the best way I know of to identify oneself not as an avid hiker, but as a tourist.

As the use of the fanny pack became more common and evolved to where some felt it acceptable to wear it more as a pelvic pack, I realized someone had to step up and correct this problem.

I am that someone.

The Policy

My administration will have a few policies for everyone to follow regarding the use and wearing of fanny packs.

He's about to make his move on the fanny pack

No. (Image by Malingering via Flickr)

  • Fanny packs should be used by people on hikes or long walkabouts. The need for items like a Clif Bar, granola, a water bottle, a pocket knife and a compass would indicate the level of need for a pack.
  • People who wear fanny packs in settings where bears are not likely to have a bowel movement, e.g. the woods, are to be considered by all others as irritating tourists. Persons designated as irritating tourists should be charged exorbitant prices for drinks, meals and transportation. The fact that a person lives in an area does not preclude them from being treated as tourists. Choosing to wear one of these packs is equivalent to choosing tourist treatment.
  • By definition, these packs are designed to be worn above the buttocks. On the average human, the buttocks are below the back and at the top of the legs.  Moving the pack to the front of the body turns it from a fanny pack, an unattractive enough proposition, to a pelvic pack. Pelvic pack. Nothing good can come from a pelvic pack.
  • Persons wearing a fanny pack on the wrong side of their body should be pointed out with an accusing finger and a clearly audible uttering of the phrase pelvic pack.

Some will likely accuse me of trying to eradicate the fanny pack. Those people are correct.

You’ll thank me later.

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47 Comments on “The Policies Of My Administration: Fanny Packs”

  1. And just as people constantly take incriminating photos of hideous sights at WalMart, you must enlist your minions, Oma, to do the same with these offending fanny pack wearers. This must stop. We cannot let the purse, handbag, backpack, go the way of the Dodo bird. I swear. People. Always bastardizing and co-opting a decent idea and turning it into comedy!

  2. internetmine says:

    I can only say that if I ever become so senile as to wearing a Pelvic Pack, then I deserve all the pointing your administration can dole. Thanks for another great post.

  3. Todd Pack says:

    Can we call them something besides fanny packs? People tend to wear them in front and, also, my great-grandmother’s name was Fanny Pack. Seriously. I’m not kidding. I’m descended from a Fanny Pack.

  4. I don’t believe that fanny packs were created for hikers. No real hiker would wear one. The hardcore hikers wear packs.

    No. It was for some other sinister reason that the fanny pack came to be. When I come up with that, I will let you know.

    Though, Todd’s makes me think we need to create something in his honour…would people wear the Todd Pack, do you thinK?

  5. madtante says:

    I’m surprised you didn’t mention the British meaning of “fanny.” I guess calling it “pelvic” was enough…

    Anyhoo, I’m one of those douches who wears a backpack (at least it’s leather…unless that’s also a negative) when I’m touristing. I used to use it as my purse (it’s a real backpack, not a mini-purse/ fake backpack) “everywhere.”

    If I could have a pack mule behind me, I’d use that.

  6. Amy says:

    Sign me up as an official Pelvic Pack Pointer!

  7. shoutabyss says:

    I can honestly say, “I’ve never worn a fanny pack.” Can I be in your administration? Perhaps Minister of Faith-Based Initiatives?

  8. Debbie says:

    I don’t even own a Fanny Pack and am with you in thinking the things are hideous. If there’s a small position in your administration for me, sign me up!

  9. Gemma Sidney says:

    This is a great post. I have always detested fanny packs. No exceptions.

    I see madtante beat me to it – I was about to tell you that where I’m from (Australia), ‘fanny’ refers to the pelvic area. Perhaps that explains people’s confusion about where to wear it?

  10. Finally, someone talks about an issue I care about.

  11. Z.N. Singer says:

    Do you have any idea how long it took me to realize that I was being made to look stupid doing my share to carry family supplies on trips to the zoo and sea world because the pack WASN’T for the front? The effect is quite tolerable worn properly. Or on the side, that works pretty well too.

    Fanny packs can be quite convenient: I move for fanny packs to be tolerated so long as they are not pelvic packs, which I agree are an abomination.

  12. We have somewhere between 80 and 100 cruise ships every year landing in our Saint John port…there are three things that clearly identify cruise ship passengers: fanny packs, bright white running shoes, and the roses our volunteers give the ladies as they debark the ship…

    Pelvic packs, indeed…sigh…

    Wendy

  13. pattypunker says:

    i’ve never seen a pelvic or a fanny pack i’ve liked. never ever. and btw i should be designated as the arbiter of good taste in your administration. just sayin.

  14. Katybeth says:

    What about running shoes with suits or nylons? I have a feeling that is going to be on your administration hit list next….I don’t own a fanny pack but I don’t feel any real hostility towards them or there wears. I vote- Knick-Knack-fanny pack- leave the tourist alone.

    I am not going to have a high-ranking position in your administration…am I ? SIgh.

    • omawarisan says:

      No don’t worry, there will be full employment thoroughout the world when I take over.

      That said, after knick knack fanny pack, your application for poet laureate…well, don’t call us, we’ll call you.

  15. Jeane says:

    Could you please post that on every corner of this little tourist town I reside in…please. Pelvic pack…makes me giggle a little.

  16. Spectra says:

    I know who to point the ultimate finger at, the man responsible for the “Butt Pack”, as it was called by the US Army, from being eradicated from Military use altogether, years before it made the successful crossover into civilian use: his name was Major Tom (not kidding) and he was my roomate in 1992, near his Ford Ord Post.

    In a meeting with then General White(who later led the raid into Panama to snatch up Noriega) the Butt Pack was ‘on the table’ for elimination from standard uniform code. Major Tom fought long and hard to keep it as a useful aspect of the moving foot soldiers uniform, as it added extra storage. The General liked his moxy so much, he made Major Tom his personal assistant, and took him into Panama right alongside him! As a result of his interference with the death of butt packs, they are 1. everywhere 2. I got to see personal photos of Noriegas house, including his private ceramic frog collection on the dictators desk.

    TMI, you may ask?

    There can never be too much information when an administration plans it’s new regime. I would like to be named Secretary of Butt Pack Policy. If I could get Major Tom to admit his grave mistake before Congress, and the military to re-classify the butt pack as a top-secret military apparatus, we could get the current administration to outlaw them immediately. Thence forward, your subjects will never be subjected to the sight of these little horrors in public, evermore.

    • omawarisan says:

      Oh my God, you met the action man? Who’s shirts did he wear?

      While I respect Major Tom’s service, I hope the plague of the pelvic pack is not something high on his resume.

  17. We found him Captain!! says:

    I knew a guy in NYC who wore an athletic supporter( jockstrap) backwards and kept his subway tokens and a pack of cigarettes in it. Nobody ever grubbed a cigarette from him.
    When the fanny pack became popular he bought one and wore it under his gym shorts

  18. jacquelincangro says:

    I dunno. Maybe this is a case of trying to “accentuate the positive” as the song goes.

    I think your administration should see how you could use this to your advantage. Maybe installing tiny cameras to spy on other fanny pack-wearing tourists? They look so suspicious anyway…

  19. Kim Pugliano says:

    “You’ll thank me later.”

    No, Oma, I won’t.

    I thank you now, in advance.

  20. Barlsey says:

    As a Brit, I thought I’d reiterate the fact that fanny has such rude connotations over here. Everytime you say fanny, the less conservative of us howl. It is a widely used word for a ladies anatomy. Like, I can’t think of anything used more commonly for that ‘area’ than fanny.

    Whilst on this subject, boogers (our version of bogies) is similar to our word bugger which is almost a swear word. I guess you get your own back though, because we call cigarettes ‘fags’.

    • omawarisan says:

      Hi Barlsey, welcome to Blurt.

      The British definition of fanny is a surprise to me and another reason why naming this pack so is a grave mistake. My administration is still against these pacls

  21. The Kids are wearing them around again like they are some sort of cool and ironic accessory, and I’ve been told they don’t even put anything in them.

    Time to ready the troops. This can not stand.

  22. Thank you for pointing this out. I confess I had not seen this policy when I facetiously suggested one for the super hero wardrobe. Consider me properly chastised.


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