Live Nude DogsPosted: November 4, 2009
My friends, it is time to announce a new policy that will be implemented by my administration.
The policy is simply this – dogs should not wear clothes. Ever. I will call this the Live Nude Dogs Law. Why? Because as best I can tell from signs in the admittedly unpleasant part of town I work in, the words live and nude always go together.
Now, it has been my observation that there are two distinct groups of people in the US – those who think dogs are embarrassed when people put clothes on them, and those who convince themselves that dogs like…nay, desire to wear cute little outfits.
You people who are in the group that put clothes on dogs are wrong. What the rest of us see when you dress your dog up, is mans best friend, being embarrassed needlessly.
Your dog knows it isn’t a cowboy, or a hula dancer, or a firefighter. Furthermore, it knows that other dogs will look at it askance when their paths cross.
Every Sunday I drive past a church group who meets with and feeds the homeless in one part of my town. They meet under a large overpass. One of the church people brings a Dalmatian dog each week and attaches a little plastic fire helmet to its head with an elastic band. The dog walks around with its head down. Other dogs do not come around him. He is not a fire dog, never has been. He knows it , his peers know it. His owner does not.
My administration will not tolerate this sort of emotional abuse of these noble creatures. Yes, I know that there will be protests. All the same, someone has to make the hard decisions on topics, like this one, that threaten our nation. I am that person.
So, effective immediately upon my taking over, it will be illegal to dress a dog in any garment, shoe, or headgear for recreational purposes. Service animals will be excluded from this policy, assuming the clothing they are given to wear is related to their duties.
Persons who formerly dressed dogs in outfits will be given counseling. They will be taught to spend the money they once spent on dog outfits on clothes for themselves.
Dogs have fur. That is their clothes. They don’t wish for more than that, no matter how much you really want them to.