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Did I buy a car or…?

Mrs. Omawarisan feels completely respected when this is all the salesman shows her.

Honey, I'm home. I bought some cup holders!

The madness is over. My wife has seen all the cup holders she needed to see to make up her mind. I looked at engines as if I planned to do something more than put gas in that hole in the side of the car and drive it.

"A nice, smooth deal." Great, I want to buy a car, he sells me kilos of smack.

The winner is Subaru. I settled “the deal” yesterday. The Sweaty, Nervous Guy said “we did a nice smooth deal, no problems.” Why does that phrase  make me wonder if I bought a car or a suitcase full of kilo bricks of heroin?

Im slick like that.

I'm slick like that.

All the same, I felt complimented, I am one smooth dealer. I got rid of one car, haggled over the price of a new one…but not without first looking under the hood to make sure the design met with my approval. Smooth, slick. I am like a playground slide.

The Subaru started its trip to our driveway at the end of last month. We drove one just like it on our first day of shopping around. We met the Sweaty, Nervous Guy that afternoon. We’d parked out near the cars we wanted to look at. He peered at us for a bit, then got in a car and drove the fifty yards up to where we were.

Cup holders. Look under the hood. Lots of nodding by me. He gives us the keys and lets us drive it without him.

A week later I return to “do the deal”. Five guys are standing around out front, smoking. Why do they all smoke? Most people don’t smoke anymore. All the car sales men I talked to smoked. The smoking is bad memo hasn’t reached car dealer world yet.

Next time, I am just going to stand there and yell for Sweaty myself

I can do my own yelling.

We size each other up. One asks if he can help me. I tell him I’m here to see  Sweaty, Nervous Guy. He tells me to step inside and he’d get him for me. A moment later the loudspeaker blares SWEATY TO THE SHOWROOM; SWEATY TO THE SHOWROOM. While I’m thinking the next time I do this I’m just going to stand out front and yell out the salesmans name, I see Sweaty put out his cigarette on the other side of the building and come in.

Sweaty looks around as he comes in. He doesnt know who he’s looking for. I introduce myself. “I was here last week, we drove a Forester”. He remembers now, he tells me so. “Your wifes a pretty blond, kinda short.” He is exactly right, as long as by short blond he means tall brunette.

Maybe he is on the metric system. Everything is different when its metric. Six miles is ten kilometers. Short is tall, blond is brunette.

I drive the car again. Sweaty and I dance about the price. I hate the car price dance and I vent my hatred for it on Sweaty.

We finally agree and share a clammy handshake.

I return with the check, collect the keys and head for the door with Sweaty. The owners daughter is walking in. She does all the dealership’s TV ads. She is a tall brunette…if you’re on the metric system. She carries herself as if she believes herself a celebrity. Sweaty certainly does.  He asks “Do you want to meet her?”. I let him know I’m not interested. He is stunned. I’m equally confused why meeting this woman is considered a privilege.

The car is now in our driveway. I like it. There’s a police dog sniffing the car though, I’m worried I really did buy heroin.

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12 Comments on “Did I buy a car or…?”

  1. tsanda says:

    i bought a big wheel full of coke once…luckily i was 9 and was charged as a minor…could have been a rough prison sentence…I was a pretty cute kid…

  2. David says:

    I have several friends who love their Lesbaru’s. I bet you will enjoy it. I noticed the 2009 kinda has stadium style seating in the back so one is sort of looking over the heads of those in the front seats.

    Chers

  3. omawarisan says:

    Yeah, a 40 pound Big Wheel is kind of a tip off. On the plus side, you can really get it moving fast down hill.

    I’d give up the stadium seating for them having the satellite radio already installed. $400 to put one in at the dealer? Not happening.

  4. Kathi D says:

    The only time we actually felt like we had made a decent deal on a new car is when the dealer called the next day (car was still there being detailed) and asked us to reconsider, because we had dealt with a new salesperson and she was inexperienced, and we had paid too little. Inexperienced? Husband said he is more inexperienced at buying new cars than any of the salespeople at selling cars. Whatever. We declined to renegotiate.

  5. omawarisan says:

    Sometimes life teaches the inexperienced tough lessons, huh?

    Yeah, I’m under no illusion I won in terms of cost. I just have to satisfy myself with the idea that I made them wince and flinch.

  6. queensgirl says:

    I am very pleased that throughout this whole saga, you did not post a picture of or otherwise reference the stereotypical car salesman.

    ~Daughter of an honest, non-smoking, non-cigar-chomping, non-loud-plaid-jacket-wearing, non-gold-chain-wearing Subaru salesman. :D

  7. omawarisan says:

    You know, I should have figured I’d step on a friends toes…sorry!

  8. queensgirl says:

    You didn’t, though– you didn’t resort to generalizations, and for this I am glad. I mean, there’s just no way I could have brought myself to vote for Sarah Palin. ;)

  9. frigginloon says:

    What? She think she’s got something to say. See ya, be back soon. You betcha.
    Hmm, Oma there is now a man claiming to have been hit by a falling piece of airplane. Not a meteorite but pretty damn impressive (ooh and he doesn’t have red hair!). Just thought you needed to know that!

  10. omawarisan says:

    Stop it! I won’t write about him. I wont.

  11. Vanessa says:

    Dude. You are a stronger man than I am. Car lots scare me and are enough to turn me into Rain Man getting on a plane….


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