The Bureau of MascotsPosted: July 18, 2009
I have decided that one of the policies of my administration, because I am taking over at some point, is that there will be a Board of Mascots.
This afternoon, when I went to get a hair cut, I saw that the local burrito shop had its own mascot out front. Looking back over that last sentence, I realize it sounds like I get my hair cut in a burrito shop. Since that’s kind of an odd thought, I am leaving that sentence as is.
Anyhow, the mascot of the burrito shop is…a lime wedge with a sombrero and a thin, curly mustache. Huh?
What about a lime wedge indicates a burrito might be available? Why would they believe the lime wedge looking like a stereotyped Mexican bandit from an Eastwood western make me realize I was hungry?
Actually, what would motivate a self aware lime wedge to hawk burritos?
Questions like this are important to our society. No administration, Republican or Democratic, has ever addressed the important issue of stupid mascots. Mine will.
As I got my hair cut, again, not in the burrito shop, I remembered the mascot of the copy and package delivery center next door. Their mascot is a person in an airplane suit. It is tubular, has the tail fin at the bottom rear. The front of the costume is the bottom of the plane, the person inside sticks their arms into the wings.
Unless the person in the airplane suit keeps their arms straight out all the time, given the tubular shape of the airplane body, this mascot ends up looking kind of obscene.
So, we, as consumers and citizens, are left to ponder why, for instance, a lime should make us want to eat burritos.
In my administration, there will be a cabinet level position for the Secretary
of Mascots. This person will lead the Bureau of Mascots. If someone has a mascot outfit they would like to use to promote their business or team, they’d have to apply to the Bureau of Mascots for approval.
Now I know there are a lot of anti governmental regulation sort of folks who will rail against this. To them, I say two things.
First, this isn’t your administration, so be quiet.
Second, look at the photo on the right. Do you want to explain to your kid what the hell that is and why it’s waving at him from the side of the road? I didn’t think so. Neither do I.
I have no idea what the thing in the picture is. I do know that whatever it is, it would not be eligible to become a mascot or be personified in any way under standards that would be laid out by the Bureau of Mascots.
Here is another photo of an available mascot costume. The only use I can foresee for it is perhaps a school mascot.
Now, should the nickname of the athletic teams of a high school be The Fighting Effeminate Pirate Teddy Bears,
this might be an appropriate mascot. Otherwise, I really cant see who would use it.
The Bureau of Mascots would never approve this mascot for any school mascot.
The teenage years are tough enough with all the hormones and waiting for the next High School Musical Movie to come out. Add to that attending a school where this is your mascot and its a recipe for a generation of citizens who would require extensive counselling just to maintain minimum wage employment.
Yes, my administration will be different, and it will go into important matters no one else will touch. When I take over, none of you will have to live in fear of what to say to or about odd or inappropriate mascots. You can thank me later.
If you are interested in the position of Secretary of Mascots please submit your qualifications. Photos of mascots and why you would rule them out or in are encouraged.