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Predicting The Winner Of The World Cup

omawarisan:

So, yeah, World Cup. I’ve figured out who the winner is going to be. You can bet the farm on my prediction. If you’re smart, you’ll buy a farm today just so you can bet it.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

I don’t know much about soccer. There’s a lot of running around; the guy on each team who runs the least gets to use his hands. Everyone in the game is an actor. And when the ball hits someone in the head it is considered a good play and not cause for hysterical laughter.

So, like many Americans, I’ve watched some World Cup matches and pretended to understand the game’s finer nuances. But I learned a lot about the sport while I pretended I already knew about it. I learned that soccer stadiums are filled with lots of men who wear flags as capes and paint their faces to show support for their teams. The only women allowed to attend World Cup games are attractive eighteen to twenty-five year olds. Most importantly, I learned that it is best to watch soccer on a Spanish language television station because the announcers…

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Paying $1200 For A Compliment

I was on a live television show when I learned that I have a bald spot.

The show wasn’t about me or my hair. I was on a panel, being interviewed about a serious topic. I remember looking at the monitor at one point and thinking “that shot from behind the panel isn’t helping that guy in the blue jacket.” Then I looked down at my sleeve and remembered I had on a blue jacket.

After the show, I asked several friends why they didn’t tell me I was getting a bald spot on the back of my head. They were all surprised that I didn’t know and wondered how I missed something so obvious.

I learn a lot from unexpected sources, but not everything.

I’m Like A Kindergarten Teacher, But Not

Some of them will always talk like they’re in class. (public domain)

For twenty-four years of my career, my specialty was crisis negotiation.

As you might guess, a critical part of talking to hostage takers and suicidal people is using a very calm voice, no matter what is happening around you. I got good at sounding calm. I can’t say that I was always placid inside, but you’d have been hard pressed to hear it in my voice when I was working.

And the people I negotiated with often said things like “you’re nice to talk to”, “you’re kind of soothing” or, the best compliment I ever got -  “if I didn’t want to kill you, I’d want to have a beer with you.” I became very confident about how my voice fit the job I loved. Read the rest of this entry »


How To Save A Wet iPhone

Cases protect our iPhones from impact and software helps us find them when they get lost. But there is one enemy that it is nearly impossible to protect our phones from – water. Taking Apple’s masterpiece for a quick dip can turn it from the repository of your life’s information to a very well designed paperweight.

How To Dry Your Phone

There are no life ring apps that keep an iPhone afloat (image by Kalle Id CCbySA3.0)

If your iPhone does go for a swim, all is not lost. You might be able to revive it with some fast action. Remember, seconds count. Panic is your enemy. Every moment you spend mourning your loss is a moment that the evil water spends strangling your phone to death. Because panic will be working against you, let me give you some very simple instructions to remember. Read the rest of this entry »


Yellow Card, Red Card. Life Gets Less Hard

Like so many of us here in the United States, I know so little about soccer. I’m not even sure why our country is the only one which calls the game soccer. Sure, we have a completely different game that we call football, but perhaps we could have compromised on this name thing since all the other cool kids have settled on what to call the sport.

Face it. Most of you don’t really know if he’s got a peg leg or not. (image by jasonwhat ccbysa 2.0)

Despite our indifference to the sport at any other time, the nation becomes obsessed with soccer when the World Cup tournament starts. We really have no idea if cutting Landon Donovan hurt or helped the US team. The truth is that most of us forgot he existed after the last World Cup. For all we know, the man has a pirate style peg leg now and is no longer much of a ummmmm…whatever position he played. But during this period where soccer is in fashion, we’ll debate such matters as if we had the knowledge to do so.

I find myself thinking more about the game, even as I laugh at us for our quadrennial interest in it. I’ve advocated that we adapt soccer’s tradition of exchanging jerseys with an opponent after a match so we can use it in every day life . What better way to let someone know you appreciate their efforts than by giving them your shirt and wearing theirs around?

And that’s not the only idea I’m taking from soccer. Read the rest of this entry »


Ask, Ask and Maybe We’ll Answer: Battle of the Pancake Syrups

omawarisan:

Do you ever stay up at night wondering about important stuff like who would win a fight between Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth? Me neither. I know who would win. Get my take, and four others, over on the Nudge Wink Report

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

Now that staff performance appraisals are done for another year, it’s time to move on to:

Ask, Ask and Maybe We’ll Answer” here on NWR.

This week’s question comes from Larry in Pennsylvania, writer of the WordPress blog: idiotprufs. Larry, we’re happy you found your way to The Nudge Wink Report. We hope what’s about to happen doesn’t make you regret your decision to become a fan of NWR. And you are a fan.  Right?

Larry’s question is:

If Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima had a bare-knuckle boxing match, who would win?


Tom : Most people don’t know this, but “Mrs. Butterworth” and “Aunt Jemima” were actually ill-advised code names for famous cars. Sweet!

“Mrs. Butterworth,” obviously, was “The General Lee” from the hit TV show The Dukes of Hazzard. By process of elimination it’s then easy to deduce that “Aunt Jemima” was how Doc and…

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The World Cup Jersey Swap

I don’t know much about the sport, but this seems a silly thing to do (image by MPF cc by sa 3.0)

For the next month, teams representing thirty-two nations will battle for futbol supremacy in the FIFA World Cup. Whenever the World Cup comes around, people like me become soccer fans for the first time since our kids played in the league down at the rec center.

There is one big difference between kid league soccer and World Cup games. When the kid games end, all the players get a juice box and orange slices.  After a World Cup game, the players take off their jerseys and swap them with players from the other team. This is a really nice gesture of respect and a great way to get a cool jersey as a memento. Read the rest of this entry »


If George Bush Did A Parachute Jump

I don’t think much of politicians. Once you get away from them, I’m really loathe to lump people into a group. But I’m not shy about saying that I don’t think much of people who run for office. I’ve never met a politician who had all the answers. I’ve never known one who didn’t think they were the one who had all the answers.

There are no recorded incidents of George Bush throwing up on the Pope. (image public domain)

That said, the news that former president George H.W.  Bush parachuted from a helicopter to celebrate his ninetieth birthday is the inspiration for me to start planning my own ninetieth birthday stunt. This is the only time I have ever been inspired by a politician.

The choice of a skydive seems a natural choice for the WW II fighter pilot turned president. He’d jumped seven times before, including once when his plane was shot down over the Pacific. I think it would have been funny if he’d celebrated by reprising the 1992 incident where he vomited on the Prime Minister of Japan.

Time To Plan

Ninety years old is a few years away for me, but it’s never too early to start planning. Like Bush, I had a cool career job title. While ex-fighter pilots can fly a private plane or skydive, there is no recreational equivalent for retired hostage negotiators like me. I won’t be able to arrange for a despondent person to take hostages in a convenience store to celebrate my ninetieth birthday.

So I’ve got thirty-seven and a half years to dream up my ninetieth birthday stunt. Read the rest of this entry »


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