My friends, I was wronged. For more than a week now, I’ve struggled with the shock of the deception perpetrated upon me. I’ve told myself to put it behind myself. I can’t.
I can’t and I won’t.
On Easter, I enjoyed brunch with my wife at one of our favorite establishments. This restaurant (which I won’t name due to my intent to take legal action against everyone in the place who took part in wronging me) is a favorite of ours.
Easter was different than our usual visits. The food was still good. But instead of the usual menu, there was a huge buffet. And while I enjoyed the entrees and vegetables that I picked out, my mind was on the dessert table. Right in the middle of that table was a carrot cake.
I love carrot cake.
Carrot Cake Doesn’t Make Sense
It seems that poet Maya Angelou didn’t say the quote attributed to her on the stamp the United States Postal Service created in her honor.
The stamp reads “A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song“. Ms. Angelou, an inspirational author, poet and speaker, is responsible for so many inspirational lines. Sadly, the one about the singing bird isn’t one of hers. Another writer, Joan Walsh Anglund, produced that gem.
Maya Angelou wrote seven books in addition to her poems, plays and speeches. It is hard to conceive of how the Postal Service couldn’t track down a line that they were certain that Ms. Angelou was responsible for.
Obviously, this stamp is going to have to be redesigned with a new quote or a picture of Ms. Anglund. Since I have some time on my hands, I figured that I’d rework the stamp with some new quotes. In the spirit of the designer of the original Angelou stamp, I have created five new stamps with things Ms. Angelou never said.
It isn’t easy to come up with things that a person never said. There’s no data base to track such things. And even with someone as prolific as Ms. Angelou, the things she didn’t say far out number those that she did. I had to take a different path.
I chose to redesign the Angelou stamp using the words of another quotable American – Muhammad Ali. Read the rest of this entry »
I’ve told this you before – I don’t believe in bragging. That’s one of the cool things about me.
I passed this idea on to my son. Not the idea that I’m cool, but that bragging isn’t. He lives by a code that says that it is better to show people what he can do instead of telling them. He’s a wise man.
Unfortunately, there are some things that I do well that don’t lend themselves to showing you here. Because of that, I’ve had to tell you that I am the King Of Parallel Parking and that I am exceptionally good at peeling oranges. I’m going to have to go against my principles and brag to you about something else I’m good at.
I Can Feed Myself In Asian Rim Countries
Chopsticks. Not the piano tune called chopsticks; I’m talking about the eating utensils common to east Asian countries. I am really good at using chopsticks.
There was a time in my life that I couldn’t say that I was adept with chopsticks. If I wanted to finish eating dinner before breakfast, I had to have a fork. A fork or perhaps a knife to sharpen my chopsticks into tools that I understood how to use. My fingers just couldn’t make the sticks work. Read the rest of this entry »
I love cooking shows on television. Amongst my favorites is Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. Unfortunately, my love for learning about cool places to eat comes at a cost. I have to put up with Guy Fieri.
Before I make fun of Mr. Fieri, I should be fair. When I first watched the show, I sort of enjoyed the way he portrayed himself. It seemed that he didn’t take himself or what he was doing too seriously. Anyone who makes it clear that they know as well as the rest of us that they are not saving the world is OK by me. But I do have a problem with the man.
Guy Fieri has done the Guy Fieri act so many times that he is becoming a cartoon of himself. Yes, there are only so many ways to take a bite of food and say that it is really good. But I can’t take another declaration that someone’s grilled cheese is “the bomb” or that the ribs at a particular restaurant are “off the hook”. Read the rest of this entry »
You’ve been living with us for a few months. As you may know, this is the only time I’ve ever lived with a cat. The closest that I came to living with a cat before my wife and I adopted you was when I dated a girl who owned a cat when I was in college. Even though I didn’t live with that cat, he somehow found the opportunity and motivation to urinate on me.
Now, to be fair, that cat and I never really saw eye to eye. I get along with most people and animals. But as I think about those with whom I’ve shared a mutual dislike, I have to say that was the only situation where urine came in to play. That didn’t bode well for you and I getting along. Read the rest of this entry »
Once, the world was predictable and safe. But now we know that one of the members of the band One Direction has left the group.
Now, questions abound. How will we go forward from here? Why did this happen?
Join me at Long Awkward Pause as I answer all your questions about a group I know nothing about and a future I no longer understand.
Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:
The world was knocked a little off its axis this week by the news that Zayn Malik has left the British boy band, One Direction.
I’m sure we all know where we were and what we said when we heard the news. I remember it like it was yesterday, which it was. I was on my couch, read about it on Google News and said “who?”
But anything involving One Direction affects everyone. Even someone like me, who didn’t know that Zayn was a name, knows that the world is not the same today as it was before he left the band. It is at times like these that the world needs answers.
I am here to give the world the One Direction answers it so desperately needs. For the next several days or weeks – for as long as it takes to get the planet through the…
View original 206 more words
Whenever I travel, I can’t help but notice the different ways that airlines load passengers on their planes.
That first sentence isn’t really true. Whenever I travel by plane, I can’t help but notice the different ways that airlines load passengers on their planes.When I drive to my destination, I’m indifferent to anything the airlines do.
But the ways airlines have us board flights are nearly universally consistent in two respects – they’re inefficient and dull.
It seems to me that lining people up in the order in which they’ll be sitting, from the back of the plane to the front, and then sending that line on to the aircraft would get passengers aboard in the fastest way possible. Any flyer who boards a flight out-of-order, thus gumming up the process for those behind them, would be subject to verbal abuse by flight attendants and fellow travelers. Read the rest of this entry »